Cleveland Browns Quarterback Colt McCoy expressed concerns about the officiating after Sunday’s victory over Indianapolis. McCoy believes “there’s a war a brewing” on the field between, as he puts it, “the white hat cowboys and the black hat no- good-niks.” McCoy is reportedly taking measures to protect himself, should this “War of Zebra Aggression” actually ferment. This includes keeping a Walker .44 handy and donning a Civil War era metal shield, a clear NFL dress code violation.
Browns coach Pat Shurmur attributed this misunderstanding to McCoy’s upbringing. “He’s Texan; they all think ‘someone’s poisoning the water hole,’” Shurmer said with emphatic finger quotes. “They’re just making protein shakes, Colt.” Shurmur did admit, however, that he was impressed at McCoy’s astute recognition of symbolism.
Head Umpire Mike Carey assured reporters that there is no bad blood between him and his crew. “Have you seen me officiate a game? When I call a penalty, I give each hand gesture my all and use my vast karate knowledge. I’ll judo chop any insubordinate motherf*****,” Carey said.
Previously, McCoy had taken umbrage with the fact that the flying pigs are not thrown on a spit and barbecued once they are caught. He has also called out Commissioner Roger Goodell on his “piss-poor Plantation management skills.”
It is uncertain whether McCoy will be able to handle facing Dallas or Washington later in his career. “Could you imagine us playing actual Cowboys or Redskins? I think I would have to sit him, for everyone’s safety,” Shurmur said.
– Chris Bacarella