In an official ruling by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the term “special teams” has been deemed offensive and will no longer be used. “For too long we have used derogatory language to describe our nation’s punters, kickers, returners and long snappers,” proclaimed Goodell. “Not to mention the horde of backup lineman and linebackers.” The term describes the transitional plays during football such as punt, kickoff and return plays. Former Seahawks longsnapper Matt Overton, and tricksnap aficionado, said “in 2007 I refused to move to the back of the bus with the rest of the special teams. We had our own lockers, our own water bottles, our own towels… We were second class citizens and we said ‘no more!'”
This is a great triumph for those who’ve long felt disheartened by the treatment of these players. “We’re like a powerplay team in hockey, or playing man-up in basketball,” yelled Chicago Bears return legend Devin Hester, “not some bastard child field goal and units and backup players!” Even Patriots coach Bill Belechik admitted he was thrilled, as he repeatedly has used many starting players on special teams in order to “make it less retarded.”
For those who do not think special teams matter, the 2010 Chargers went 9-7 despite a league leading offense and defense; their special teams was so retarded they still missed the playoffs. Potential name changes include: TACTICAL POSITIONS; TRANSITIONAL GAMESMAN; ESSENTIAL RESERVE DEPLOYMENT; FUN TIME FAST GUYS
– Mike Sweeney
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