NATION’S GEOGRAPHY WILL SHIFT TO ACCOMMODATE COLLEGE FOOTBALL REALIGNMENT

“Since when is Boise, Idaho anywhere near the East?” Sometime next August, cynics might find the answer to their question hovering above them.

Engineers across the country are putting together an ambitious plan to move the cities and states of the contiguous United States, in order to rationalize the disconnect between their conference memberships and their physical geography.

Lead engineer (left), with anthropomorphic grasshopper.

When the grumblings first started, around the time the University of Colorado at Boulder  joined the Pacific-12, an e-mail began floating around the school.  Attached was an unsigned and most-likely tongue-in-cheek proposal to move the city of Boulder, CO to a stretch of wilderness on the Oregon-California border “in order to become a true pacific institution.”  It found its way to the facebook page of a study group from Professor Mark Childress’s ENG 5681 class, “Superstructures and Hazards.”  As an ongoing semester project, the class was tasked with reverse engineering the top-secret NORAD bunker in the mountains of their state.  As the kids looked it over, they realized that moving the city would be more than possible with the methods used to build NORAD– methods, by the way, employed more than a half-century ago.

As shown, SMU and greater Dallas (bottom circle) will swing around the South on its way to the Big East, if the university accepts the conference's bid.

The e-mail spread past the bounds of the university to other engineering websites, where engineers would add plans to relocate more cities to conference appropriate locales. Salt Lake City, like Boulder, will be helicoptered towards the western coast. The organized collapse of old coal mining tunnels would bring Louisville closer to the east. What began as an Internet meme among engineering students morphed accumulated detail, organization, and volunteers, until it became a viable project. From there, all the project needed was the go-ahead from an eager Obama Administration, which not only would welcome the jobs created but also the interest generated in the much touted STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Math) fields of study.

During the transport, non-essential personnel in the affected cities and towns are asked to stay indoors; speed limits will be lowered to 15 mph citywide while cities are in motion, and citizens will be urged to avoid using restroom facilities unless flying over the state of New Jersey.

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2 responses to “NATION’S GEOGRAPHY WILL SHIFT TO ACCOMMODATE COLLEGE FOOTBALL REALIGNMENT

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