Todd Haley, recently fired coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, is totally fine with the sudden lack of employment. He is even looking to catch up on his reading. Head coaching duties have prevented him from indulging in his hobbies, sitting down with a good book being chief among them. Owner of an eclectic and extensive library (as detailed on an MTV Cribs marathon, right between the Wee Man and Brandy episodes), Haley owns pristine first editions of classics like Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood and Albert Camus’ The Stranger. But first on the docket is Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, the acclaimed first part of the thrilling Millenium Trilogy. Haley has been DYING to read it.
Problem is, he has misplaced his copy.
He combed through his alphabetized book shelves to see if he had put it in the wrong spot. After the umpteenth perusal, an agitated Haley became visibly panic stricken, and quickly resorted to extreme measures.
He interrogated his teenage daughter (who shouldn’t be reading the book anyway) until she screamed how she didn’t love him anymore because he was now a “worthless non-celebrity daddy.” He punched several holes in his library walls to see if the book had somehow gotten into the insulation, much to the dismay of his wife, who kept badgering him about the status of his NFL pension. He even tried to get his cop friend to put out an APB, not fully grasping what that actually is. The cop, no longer enamored with Haley because of his high profile profession, gave him a citation for wasting valuable police time. None of these attempts bore no fruit.
A despondent Haley could be seen lighting matches and throwing them absent mindedly into his backyard pool. He bemoaned the fact that he would miss an opportunity to say the book was better than the movie. He then mumbled something about what all of it was for, before breaking out into a high pitched crying fit.
As of this writing, the book has not been found.
Haley’s young son has located the book. It was in the top drawer of the entertainment center in the family room.
He also found Haley’s body hanging from a ceiling fan in the ground floor bathroom. Presumably, he found the book first.
Haley’s corpse has been hired by ESPN.