BROCK LESNAR RETIRES AFTER BRUTAL ASS KICKING

The trend continues: Brock Lesnar is the latest UFC fighter to retire after a brutal ass-kicking.  “I’d like to thank the UFC, but after that embarrassing display of brutality at my expense, I don’t think I can return to the Octagon,” said a remorseful, yet composed Lesnar.  The former champ joins the legions of aging UFC fighters who retire after savage feats of torment to their own bodies; it is becoming quite fashionable.

Lesnar bravely defending his last few breaths

Many fighters choose to flail and beg their way through three or four consecutive maiming assaults on their being before calling it quits, but not Lesnar.  The former WWE superstar knew the first “colossal rage storm that breaks my spirit will be my last.”  Hall of Famer Chuck Liddell said “it’s brave of Brock to give it all up after his first concussive, borderline paraplegic-forming performance.  I knew I didn’t have it in me.  I had to have my brains splattered in front of a live audience, train and watch tape of said sport-rape, only to return for one last onslaught.”

UFC is known for its dramatic exits and legendary drama.  Hall of Famer and 1930’s superstar Edgun Torbal refused to give in until he literally saw his own spleen.

Times have changed.

Liddell in his ongoing feud with dignity

Numerous conspiracy theories arise whenever a fighter is pummeled like a school girl caught in trench warfare, but president Dana White claims “we would never pull a fighter from the ring.  One of my greatest prides has been setting up a system where I can watch men die.  If all I get is a dying spirit, then I know I can sleep at night.”

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