Yankees shortstop and captain Derek F***ing Jeter reportedly gives gift baskets and signed memorabilia to women he spends the ::ahem:: evening with. The Motherf***ing Captain recently ended his years long relationship with actress Minka Kelly, supposedly after seeing her “act” on ABC’s Charlie’s Angels reboot.*
“Look, if this was some regular guy in a bar, a CEO or even Derek Jeter, this would be frowned upon. But this is Derek F***ing Jeter we’re talking about,” said doorman Fred Costello.
Professional attractive woman Amber Stokes claims she had a relationship with the F***ing King of the Yankees: “It was a great time. We met at a bar, had a few drinks, then went back to his place.” She elaborated: “I wasn’t offended at all getting the gift basket. It’s Derek F***ing Jeter. Just talking to the F***ing Yankees Hit King would be enough but noooo.”
This Is The Sports writers immediately crossed their legs and leaned in as one** brave writer asked the question we all had on our minds: “did he use former Yankees heroes names?” “Oh I get it,” said Amber, “because he and the Yankees are all about history, very funny. But yes he did. He demanded I wear a mustache and he called me Munson.”
Man. Wish I could be Derek F***ing Jeter.
*Come on! SIX SEASONS AND A MOVIES!!
**He will remain anonymous***
***It rhymes with Wony.****