Philadelphia 76ers ownership held a press conference this afternoon to unveil the newest addition to the franchise: Sal, The South Philadelphian. “After doing market research and getting feedback from our fans via social media, we’re happy to welcome Sal to the 76ers family and hope this is the start of a long and fruitful partnership,” said Joshua Harris, majority owner of the Sixers. Sal will be replacing the now defunct Hip-Hop Bunny Rabbit; a move that was welcomed by fans of all ages. “He was awful. Imagine if Bugs Bunny took steroids and was cast as a corner boy in ‘The Wire‘,” said longtime fan Richard Rosario, 43, “I am 100% behind this move. I think the new mascot actually reflects who we are as city.”
Salvatore Antenucci, 61 and the Sixers’ new mascot, is excited to bring a new meaning to Sixers’ Basketball. “I grew up on 3rd and Oregon, moved to 6th and Passyunk with my now ex-wife and haven’t moved since. Philly sports is all I know; One word: Da Best.” Sal, an unemployed construction worker, will be at Sixers home games in some sort of Philly sports garb, jeans, and work boots. Most of his routines include but are not limited to heckling the Referees, sneakily drinking from a flask behind the event staff’s back, eating multiple hoagies while then later complaining about his heartburn, and leading fans in a “Fire Andy [Reid]” chant. “I have an artificial hip, so I can’t do any of those Dunk Layups or Flippity Slams like the old, bunny, whatever the fuck. I will sit in a recliner and try to finish a soft pretzel and 2 Yuengling’s during TV timeouts. Maybe hit on one of those dancin’ broads.”
“The sky is the limit for Sal’s usability at our functions,” explained Harris, “In addition to game day, we’re already lining him up to do special events in the community: Sal at the local strip club, Sal going to a middle school and saying something mildly inappropriate/racist to a class of 4th graders, Sal at Children’s Hospital handing out “Dallas Sucks, Romo Swallows” t-shirts. To reiterate, the sky is the limit and we think it’s a great investment going forward.”
Sixers are back in action Friday as they play host to Washington which is sure to be an exciting match up of zzzz….