At a recent press conference, Abby McGrew, wife of famed New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, declared that her husband would be retiring from the NFL in favor of a position at a local mall. When asked about which position specifically, McGrew hushed her voice and muttered, “He’s going to be diving for change in wishing wells.”
The news comes to a shock to the Giants and the NFL at large, as Manning had just wrapped up the best season of his career and was instrumental in his team’s hard-fought playoff berth.
McGrew continued to answer questions as her husband sat next to her, completely silent and engrossed in a game of Temple Run. Asked about the motivation behind her husband’s career move, McGrew forced out a painful admission: “To be honest, money’s a bit tight right now. Eli and I decided that it was time for our family to start bringing home some real income.”
Manning’s 6-year, $97.5 million contract in 2009 seems to be more than enough for the average family. However, McGrew informed the media that her husband’s paychecks, though lucrative, were not making it home: “Ever since Eli entered the NFL, he’s found it hard to get his checks from accounting to our house. He tends to… lose them.”
A flurry of questions erupted from the media, at which point Manning paused his game and indignantly defended himself: “Checks are so tiny! You forget them in your pants, they get washed. You host a bonfire, they get kindled. That’s why I’m switching to wishing wells. Change makes noise when you carry it around, it’s impossible to lose. You can’t hear checks. Duh.”
As the press conference drew to a close, Manning regained his composure and expressed his optimism for the future. “Seven years of ouchball and I didn’t earn a dime. Then I stop by the mall one day for some day-old Auntie Anne’s, and I find $7.34 in one of the fountains.”
Manning paused, and smiled. “That’s how you know God is watching over you.