In our first edition of Across The Pond, we bring you commentator Archie Walkenshire.
Archie is a mutt of the UK consisting of English, Scottish and Welsh ancestry. After attending numerous prestigious boarding schools, Archie has traveled the world exploring sports in unfamiliar terrain; never forgetting his trade-mark charm.
CHEERS AMERICANS! Now we all get to spend two pafetic weeks of your Homer Simpson-ing about as we wait for the SUPERBOWL! Dats right, anova fucking American football game. Not only did we avtasit frough an entire week of university games, all coined the AMERICA BUD LITE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN BOWL! Now weavta sit frough the SUPERBOWL!!
Typically obnoxious, loud, and excessive like all fings American. It’s not just a game. ELL NO WHY WOULD IT BE?!?! It’s a media event. Most of you are sitting watching the adverts to see which Michael Bay film you wanna spend 35 quid on during the summer while eating chili dogs and bacon steaks. Some of you are just there because THERE’S NUFFING ELSE ON TELLY THE WHOLE DAY!!
But most of you are there to watch a game dat ‘as 11 minutes of actual sport. 11 MINUTES!! Dats enuff time to get wankered on Guffton Brew, sing the Liverpool and Manchester United fight songs, AND THEN HAVE A FIGHT BETWEEN BOTH SIDES OF FANS!!!
I unnerstand. You gents need your day. Your entire game. But why go on and tuffle the whole hedge? GUY RITCHIE’S OLD EX IS DA BLOODY ALFTIME SHOW! Madonna? MADGE? That old poncing trout couldn’t get a Gallivan out of Hashireford! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
All because in 2004 American Monty Python cast member Justin Timberlake ripped open Michael Jackson’s tits on telly? AV YOU SEEN VIDEOS OF THE ROYAL WEDDING? THAT HAPPENED 12 BLOODY TIMES!! Americans demand to be less controversial? So you go out and hire every life-long rock and roll drug addict you could find? When I fink safe and family friendly I fink Mick Jagger, Keith Richards, Tom Petty and Madge. Safe, family, heroin sniffing, bar brawling, orgy involved family fun. SOUNDS LIKE YOUR OL’ PENNSYLVANIA STATE, EH!!?!?!
Oh don’t get in a tuss! OUR ENTIRE COUNTRY WAS SYSTEMATICALLY PHONE TAPPED BY A NEWSPAPER OWNED BY ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL MEN IN THE WORLD! America lost a football coach, England’s gone all 1984. Again, we’ve beaten you at somefing.
And speaking of controversies, what’s wif all American tragedies adding “gate” to the end of it? Whenever we av an uproarious fuckall happen, we call it FUCK THOSE FILTHY CUNTS AT _______ FOR GIVING US A ROYAL TUG OF THE WOCK!!! No “gate.”
Enjoy your version of “football.” I’ll make out like one of your Jews on Boxing Day (or as you call it, Christmas): I’ll make my way to the pub, have 30-40 drinks, eat some ethnic food and gleefully download illegal films because England will neva eva av anyfing as stupid as SOPA!
Why so bitter Archie?
We gave you Ricky Gervais, Harry Potter, guns and Kate Beckinsale. You gave us NFL Europe and Whitney.
FUCK OFF YOU CUNTS!!!