According to various NBA sources, the Washington Wizards (1-12) are in preliminary talks with free agent G Barack Obama. Rumors began last night when reporters saw the President’s motorcade outside of the Wizard’s practice facility.
Spokesmen from either side of the bargaining table wouldn’t confirm or deny the reports as of early this morning. “We are always open to acquiring new talent for the organization,” said Wizard’s GM Ernie Grunfeld, “We have a good team…well, not good but ummmm…? I mean, shit, we are awful, but we have a full roster. Did that answer your question?” White House press secretary Jay Carney didn’t add much to the rumor mill, “If you look at his record, it is obvious that President Obama has always maintained a positive view on the sport of Basketball. His focus right now is the economy and upcoming election. If we feel that this is the best avenue to achieve both of those goals, then we are willing to negotiate.”
Barack Obama, 50, has been the President of the United States for the past 3 years and has no experience in professional basketball. Although the move has some NBA insiders scratching their heads, political analysts praise the strategy by the White House. “It’s an absolute win-win no matter how you look at it,” explained MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, “If he goes there and rides the pine, the Wizard’s will still be awful and he won’t have to deal with any tough decisions. If he goes out there and scores a double-double each night, his approval ratings will go through the roof. Nothing influences a Gallup poll like a Sportscenter highlight.”
“Are you serious? What the hell are they doing?,” said Wizard’s Head Coach Flip Saunders, “I mean Christ Almighty, who the fuck is running this franchise? We are giving Rashard Lewis just under $22 Million dollars a year! Mike Bibby is still getting paid! And now they want to get the O-Dogg to run point? He was getting worked by college kids!” After taking a swig from a flask, he then added, “I swear if I wasn’t in so deep with the Japanese Yakuza, I would quit this dog and pony show.” He was later found passed out in his office with a bucket of KFC original recipe and a notebook filled with the phrase “Kill Darko“.