Sources: James Van Der Beek Verbally Commits to Texas

The Reason Every Guy Wanted a Buck Cut

National Signing Day has always been full of twists and surprises, but the latest committal for the Texas Longhorns may be the most peculiar in recent memory.  Sources for This Is The Sports have confirmed that Texas has received a verbal commitment from actor James Van Der Beek.   “I mean, I don’t really know how legal all of this is, but so far it looks like I will be playing for the Texas Longhorns for the next 4 years,” stated an enthusiastic Van Der Beek, “Coach Brown has been recruiting me for over a decade now and that really put an impression on me.  It’s good to feel wanted, especially after the past couple of years.  Things have been pretty rough ever since “Dawson’s Creek” ended.”

Head Coach Mack Brown had this to say regarding Van Der Beek, “It’s a huge commitment for us.  He’s a little unorthodox and has a problem with authority, but Moxon has been on our blue-chip list ever since his 1999 high school season and when we found out that he didn’t actually attend Brown University, we have really pushed all of our recruiting efforts into acquiring him.  It’s good to know that all of our hard-work has paid off and we can’t wait to welcome Mox to the Longhorn family.”

“I am mortified to say the least, but I’m not very shocked that it’s happening.  Mack loved the movie “Varsity Blues” and ever since watching it he wanted to get “Mox”.  I even showed him that there was no one in the state of Texas with the name Johnathan Moxon and showed him pictures of Mr. Van Der Beek,” stated a bewildered DeLoss Dodds, Texas athletic director, “I didn’t think the S.O.B. was serious, but I guess we are using an athletic scholarship on this guy.”

On asked whether he expected to start as a true freshman, Van Der Beek admitted that he has never actually played organized football.  “I don’t even know all the rules; I know that the yellow line on the field is unofficial.  I’m also really out of shape and can’t throw if my life depended on it.  To be completely honest, I don’t really think I will ever play, but at least I’ll get to be on the team which is cool.  I’m really excited to try out for the improv club; sounds like a blast!”

The Hutch

To add to the controversy, UT’s student body seems to be against the Longhorns new QB in waiting.  “My first reaction was like “O my God, eww”.  Like, I think he’s really cute, but like he could be my Dad he’s so old, so to me that’s, like totally creepy right..?” explained Jennifer Robertson, a Sophomore history major, “And what he did to Joey was so wrong I almost cried.  I’m glad she found love with Pacey, but like honestly, Dawson shouldn’t have led her on like that.”  Nick “Hutch” Hutchinson, Junior finance major, added to Jennifer’s resentment, “Dude, not cool, Mack, seriously.  My buddy Hodge was telling me that this dude is gay; like he likes guys.  Totally not joking, bro.  We need a QB that goes out to the bars, drinking beers, gets some biddies, and then goes out there and just kills it on the field.  All swag, Straight murderin’.  Also, he’s gotta be in PiKA.  PiKA what you know!  Word up to Sledge, Cups, and my little Deets!  DEETS!!!”


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