Early Friday morning, baseball-playing ostrich A.J. Burnett was sent from the New York Yankees to the Pittsburgh Pirates for two prospects and a gratuitous but oh-so-delicious $13.1 million. The trade did not come as a surprise to the 35-year-old mega-bird, but the announcement still moved him to tears.
Sources close to Burnett say that, despite his struggles on the mound, he wanted to stay in New York. As a child in North Little Rock, Arkansas, Burnett yearned to escape to the Big Apple, a desire inspired by the 1990 commercial smash Goodfellas. And once he arrived, he never wanted to go anywhere else.
“A.J. fell in love with the movie in the first five minutes,” his father said, in a TITSclusive interview. “He was all over it, even at six. The drugs, the screwdriver murders, the meatballs in sauce… everything. He wanted a life in the mafia. He craved the violence and the money, but he just couldn’t find a way to New York. That’s where baseball came in. Pitching was his ticket to the big time, and until a couple hours ago, he was living his dream.”
After several seconds of silent contemplation, the elder Burnett added, “Yeah, he’s always been a little fucked up upstairs.”
But now that Burnett has to pack his bags and move to Pittsburgh, it seems that his boyhood aspirations are crumbling around him. According to ThisIsTheSports mafia expert Chris Bacarella, Burnett’s drug-peddling activities are about to see a significant downturn:
“Everyone in (*rolls dollar bill, snorts line of cocaine*) west Pennsylvania’s too (*line*) busy mining – that is what (*line*) they do, right? – to get high (*line line line line*).”
The rest of Bacarella’s analysis will be available when he emerges from his drug-induced coma.
As for Burnett’s future, it is likely that his relocation will force an early retirement. Without the drug racket he’s used to, Burnett doesn’t see any reason to continue his baseball career: “I see myself spending a year in Pittsburgh, if that. Besides, you can only eat so many fried mayonnaise balls before your blood solidifies. I can feel the agita already.”
From there, Burnett’s press conference devolved into a round of ceaseless Goodfellas quotations, after which he knocked off two reporters on his way out the door.