ESPN ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR NEW, ALL TWITTER NETWORK

So what if they just replay the segments? What are you going to do, watch CNN?

The leader in sports entertainment announced plans this morning for a new addition to their family of networks.  “In an age where social media and user generated content is becoming more and more prevalent, we, the cable sports leader, have decided to expand our family of networks by adding an all new concept to television programming: #ESPN,” said ESPN president John Skipper this morning, “#ESPN will launch this fall and be dedicated to athlete and fan twitter input.  We like to think that by being pioneers, we can be the standard bearer’s for TV’s new ‘Modern Age’.”  Mr. Skipper would not give an exact date for the new launch or if any key personalities would move over to the brand.

“I think the new direction makes a lot of sense for the organization; this is the news that people want,” said Hannah Storm, ESPN’s Sportscenter Anchor and part-time cool Mom who lets their high school kids drink in the basement, “I mean, most of the time, we just read athletes twitter accounts anyways and make news stories out of that, even if it is completely baseless and gossipy. If we dedicate an entire network to it, it wouldn’t look as if we were just filling time during the live Sportscenter.”

Costas Rules!

Social media was mixed on the new ESPN direction.  Miami Heat’s Lebron James tweeted, “#ESPN this Fall?!  Can’t Wait!  Hopefully I’ll get some air time now! #fingerscrossed”.  @nbcsportsnetwork chimed in to the discussion,”@ESPN getting new network in the fall.  Good Luck! #sarcasm #gosuckaneggberman“.  Later it added, “@ESPN what is new your network going to be called?  ESPNGAY? #burn #costasrules!”.  NBC later said that their account was hacked and Bob Costas was not involved.  An unknown twitter feed, @notmarkzuckerberg, added, “Why would @ESPN use Twitter?  Twitter sucks; facebook is so much cooler! Can’t get enough of timeline! #facebookstillcool #twitterblows”.

Despite the negative reactions, #ESPN is already getting set for their launch this fall.  Below is a list of 5 new shows that will premiere on the newtwork.

  • Twitter Feed: #ESPN’s flagship program will be their twitter feed.  They will follow every athlete in the 4 major sports as well as sports personalities.  “The hope is that not only breaking news will be revealed on this feed, but also comments that can be deemed as racially insensitive and in poor taste.  This would be a great driver for ratings.”
  • Twitter War: Two analysts, athletes, or celebrities will talk sports and verbally fight each other via their Twitter accounts.  “Imagine PTI only instead of talking, they have their iPads or laptops in front of them and the entire discussion is done via twitter.  The tension!”
  • F$%king Skip Bayless!: Skip Bayless spouts off useless commentary and off-the-wall predictions while people can write in how much they hate him and wish he was dead.  “This one speaks for itself; a no-brainer really.  We may also have a spin-off for Merril Hoge and Scoop Jackson.”
  • NFL Lecture Hour: Mark Schlereth and Tedy Bruschi read NFL players’ twitter accounts and lecture them on what would have happened if they tried to pull that stunt when they played for their respected superbowl teams.  “It just seems natural; they do it every day anyways.”
  • #Punk’d!: Based off the hit MTV show in which unknown twitter followers will try to piss off an athlete via twitter.  “We’re hoping to get Ashton Kutcher to be the host.  It will be hard to juggle the new show with his #1 comedy that no one watches.”
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