The Artist is the winner of Best Picture at Academy Awards LXXXIV!

I'm going to Disneyworld because Euro Disney SUUUUUUUCKS!

After being down at the half, producer Harvey Weinstein gave a rallying speech to eventual Best Director Michael Hanagdjsnsdkfbdh and Best Actor winner Jean DuJardin, the rest is history.  Hanhgdjnshdjd made a miraculous performance late in the game against heavyweights Martin Scorsese (movies’ Vince Lombardi), Woody Allen (movies’ Ditka) and Terrence Malick (the mumbling disgruntled Belichik).  No one thought such a throwback team could win the big dance, but without a conventional team on the map, The Artist took it home during the ensuing free for all.

Continuing the win was DuJardin, Hnagdhsjsbs’s teammate on The Artist.  DuJardin miraculously got this far in the rankings* despite speaking only two words in his film; a brilliant display of game managing and little showboating.  His win was all but secure: regular titans George Clooney (movies’ Tom Brady) brought his A game by appealing to straight and gay backings with some delicious arm candy at the start of the game and a beautiful man on man kiss with host Billy ‘The Kid’ Crystal early in the game; a shocking move not seen since Clint Eastwood arrived grimacing with a handgun in 1992.

*I know, we need a playoff. 

DuJardin’s other top contendor was Brad Pitt (movies’ Tom Brady) whose Moneyball, a film about the Oakland Athletics, had a strong regular season but faltered quickly in the playoffs.  The Frenchman stood firm and smiled throughout Crystal’s painful, gun wrenching jokes and mugging in order to give an emotional and screamy acceptance speech, the way a champion only can.

In the woman’s… ah who cares no one watches them anyway.

The Artist winning the Best Picture certainly was not shocking, but was it the Best Picture this year?  On an even cinema in Kansas would it win 9 times out of 10?  5 out of 10?  We’ll never know.  Unless we actually count the wins from the Independent Spirit Awards, Golden Globes, SAG Awards, WGA Awards, LA Film Festival, Cannes, Producers Guild, etc.


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