UCLA has had a disasterous year on and off the court, but if this SI report is to be believed… UCLA IS THE COOLEST FUCKING PLACE EVER!!!
SI’s George Dohrmann broke the story that UCLA’s basketball program, which went to three straight Final Four ending in 2008, has fallen off the rails in recent years due to excessive partying, fighting and boozing, sometimes before practice. Awesome.
Oh this doesn’t fit in with John Wooden’s Pyramid of Success? Well pyramids were built by enslaved Jews. Who’s the real bad guy?
The report paints head coach Ben Howland as someone aware of the situation but unable or unwilling to control it; meaning he is the cool dad who lets you and your friends drink in the basement. Guess who we’re siding with in the divorce? Yeah, Cool Dad.
Reeves Nelson used to be that kid with the weird name who got kicked off the team presumably for not being European.* Turns out he’s Tyler Fucking Durden starting fight clubs left and right and pissing on people. Pissing! He’s Judd Nelson from Breakfast club!** Sure you don’t want him to mess with you, but you totally go to his party. HE’S KEVIN CORRIGAN FROM SUPERBAD! They are the Delta House of college basketball. Sure no one has any faith in them, sure they are idiots, sure they are drunks, but they will drive a car into your parade and bang your wife.
*A necessary trait for a tall white guy to make the NBA.
**Yeah, I equated Tyler Durden with John Bender. Face it, Bender’s probably going to show random people his penis and blow up a building too.
UCLA is like the Harlem Globetrotters only replace the stupid whistling and half court shots with solo cups and dick measuring contests. What’s better than baseball? Beer league. What’s better than football? NFL Blitz and a 30. What’s better than hockey? Kicking in a stranger’s teeth without having that whole “game” to deal with.*
Can’t wait to see UCLA lose a buzzer beater because they are all doing keg stands. College basketball, ladies and gentlemen, college.