Bryce Harper is officially the youngest douchebag in MLB history. The Washington Nationals 19 year old centerfielder is playing remarkably well for his age, and sure is acting like he’ll be a douchebag for years to come.
It took Alex Rodriguez years to fully realize his douche potential, but Harper does not require big money or a key media market to act like a dickhead. Late last night the phenom hit a home run and demanded his teammates carry him “chariot style” across the diamond; a gesture not seen since Manny Ramirez left the Red Sox.
Many say it was his hard work in the minors that made him such an insufferable prick. He really made his mark by showboating, posing after home runs and blowing a kiss to a pitcher before he made it to the majors. Experts expect him to demand teammates be traded through the media as early as next season.
“I wouldn’t be shocked if he started jerking off after every home run,” says ESPN’s John Kruk. “We haven’t seen that since Gary Sheffield‘s hey day.”
If anyone can remove his penis on the field of play and spend 3 to 4 minutes stroking himself until ejaculation, it is Bryce Harper.