Archie Walkenshire writes for TITS’ segment: Across The Pond.   Archie is a mutt of the UK consisting of English, Scottish and Welsh ancestry.  After attending numerous prestigious boarding schools, Archie has traveled the world exploring sports in unfamiliar terrain; never forgetting his trade-mark charm.  

Manchesta City finally gave a good glob trobblin to them cunts over at United.  Chant united now you blook hordey fuckalls!!

Consume the one who scored!!

Now that’s a tosty icicle if you eva shoved one down your yappers!  City ain’t had the title since 1969: the year I was born.  My first memory is me mum shoving her teet in my mouf as I watch Man City win the cup and the glory!  My next memory did not come until 4 years later, but I forgot all them from binge drinking and concussions.

And now Chelsea CHELSEA! CHEL! SEA! wins the UEFA Cup in penalty kicks. ARE YOU WANKING SAUSAGE GRINDING ME!?!?!?! Penalty kicks is like aving no footy at all.  “All right boys, line up, pull up yer skirts and kick one frew dem wickets ahead!”


Footy’s about grace, determination and moltov cocktails hitting school children! It’s a game of constant running and survival.  If any sport could be a fiery riot, it would be football.  American Football would be a MASH unit.

I write this sitting in a pub writing on napkins wif a my quill pen in one hand and a bowie knife in the other!  Once I finish this I’ma turn this city into 28 Days Later!



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