Wikipedia’s self-imposed blackout in protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act has taken its toll on the This Is the Sports staff. Four writers have been rushed to the hospital since the site went dark at midnight, with ailments ranging from forced asphyxiation to light hemorrhaging. This leaves the site woefully understaffed to cover the day in sports news, so the normal round the clock coverage of the lack of Bobs in sport will unfortunately not happen today.
The extreme bodily reactions to the blackout experienced by writers Nick Bacarella, Karin Graham, Rony Johosaphat, and Jon Vail were brought on by “not being able to dick around while they’re supposed to be working,” said Editor in Chief Mike Sweeney. “Actually having to sit down and write an article instead of pissing away time writing the ‘Haircut’ section on Nicholas Cage’s page was just too much for them. In Rony’s case, his head literally exploded.”
Sweeney went on to say that he hopes Wikipedia returns before any more of his staff are crippled. ” I mean, Bacarella hocked up a lung. I thought Wikipedia being down would allow us to finally get some actual work done, but I guess not,” he said. He then chuckled to himself saying, “You know, lungs are smaller than I would have expected. I thought they took up more room in the chest.”
All four of the writers are in stable condition and will survive, but may be on medical leave for some time. Sweeney is putting feelers out for replacement writers throughout the blogosphere. The number one requirement, above writing skill or punctuality: the ability to withstand short term outages of their favorite sites. “The last time Netflix did routine site maintenance, Schroeder’s nervous system shut down for a few hours. I mean, come on, I can’t run a business like this!”