WIKIPEDIA BLACKOUT SENDS THIS IS THE SPORTS WRITERS TO THE HOSPITAL

Wikipedia’s self-imposed blackout in protest of the Stop Online Piracy Act has taken its toll on the This Is the Sports staff.  Four writers have been rushed to the hospital since the site went dark at midnight, with ailments ranging from forced asphyxiation to light hemorrhaging.  This leaves the site woefully understaffed to cover the day in sports news, so the normal round the clock coverage of the lack of Bobs in sport will unfortunately not happen today.

The extreme bodily reactions to the blackout experienced by writers Nick Bacarella, Karin Graham, Rony Johosaphat, and Jon Vail were brought on by “not being able to dick around while they’re supposed to be working,” said Editor in Chief Mike Sweeney.  “Actually having to sit down and write an article instead of pissing away time writing the ‘Haircut’ section on Nicholas Cage’s page was just too much for them.  In Rony’s case, his head literally exploded.”

The site may have to switch to a cheaper server due to the high cost of Hemoglobin removal

Sweeney went on to say that he hopes Wikipedia returns before any more of his staff are crippled.  ” I mean, Bacarella hocked up a lung.  I thought Wikipedia being down would allow us to finally get some actual work done, but I guess not,” he said.  He then chuckled to himself saying, “You know, lungs are smaller than I would have expected.  I thought they took up more room in the chest.”

The smaller, the cuter, amiright?

All four of the writers are in stable condition and will survive, but may be on medical leave for some time.  Sweeney is putting feelers out for replacement writers throughout the blogosphere.  The number one requirement, above writing skill or punctuality: the ability to withstand short term outages of their favorite sites.  “The last time Netflix did routine site maintenance, Schroeder’s nervous system shut down for a few hours.  I mean, come on, I can’t run a business like this!”

Sweeney seemed relieved that Google would not join Wikipedia in solidarity, but others will.  As a precaution, a triage unit is being put on standby outside of the This is The Sports offices.

Advertisements

DWIGHT HOWARD DECLINES OBAMA CLASSIC, OPTS FOR GINGRICH OBLIGATIONAL

Dwight Howard, star of the Orlando Magic, has pulled out of the Obama Classic, the incumbent president’s fund raising celebrity basketball game.  Howard leaves the game in the hands of fellow stars Chris Paul and John Wall (Dr. Seuss’ favorite backcourt tandem),  and celebrities like Bono and George Clooney.

Awwww

Ewwww

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In lieu of that game, Howard is joining the Gingrich Obligational, the former Speaker’s own fund raising basketball game.  It is to be held on the same day this summer at 2600 Pennsylvania Avenue,  right down the road from the White House.

To many, it seems odd that Howard, a known Obama supporter, would switch parties for Gingrich, an accused racist and advocate of child labor.  It is payback-Howard owes Gingrich for lending him a dollar at a vending machine in a Houston Sheraton.

When asked why he would cross party lines for such a small favor, Howard replied with resignation, “I…don’t know.  He’s amazing at guilting people into things.  I looked at those puppy dog eyes and pleading lips, and I just…couldn’t say no.  I really have no idea why I’m doing this.”

Howard is the latest to join the game, after Gingrich persuaded Bulls point guard Derrick Rose and Boardwalk Empire star Michael Pitt to come aboard last week.  Sources say that Gingrich held Rose’s place in a line at a Seattle Coffee Bean while Rose used the restroom, and signed for an important postal package at Pitt’s Brooklyn apartment while Pitt was on set.

Gingrich is currently in talks with the Lopez brothers to play for him.  He got their cat out of a tree while they were at Stanford.

Tickets to the Gingrich Obligational cost $100 for loge, $300 for mezzanine, and $750 for courtside seats.  They can be purchased here.

TODD HALEY CAN’T FIND HIS COPY OF THE GIRL WITH THE DRAGON TATTOO

Todd Haley, recently fired coach of the Kansas City Chiefs, is totally fine with the sudden lack of employment.  He is even looking to catch up on his reading.  Head coaching duties have prevented him from indulging in his hobbies, sitting down with a good book being chief among them.  Owner of an eclectic and extensive library (as detailed on an MTV Cribs marathon, right between the Wee Man and Brandy episodes), Haley owns pristine first editions of classics like Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood and Albert Camus’ The Stranger.  But first on the docket is Stieg Larsson’s The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo, the acclaimed first part of the thrilling Millenium Trilogy.  Haley has been DYING to read it.

War and Peace? He already that shit in Russian

Problem is, he has misplaced his copy.

He combed through his alphabetized book shelves to see if he had put it in the wrong spot.  After the umpteenth perusal, an agitated Haley became visibly panic stricken, and quickly resorted to extreme measures.

He interrogated his teenage daughter (who shouldn’t be reading the book anyway) until she screamed how she didn’t love him anymore because he was now a “worthless non-celebrity daddy.”  He punched several holes in his library walls to see if the book had somehow gotten into the insulation, much to the dismay of his wife, who kept badgering him about the status of his NFL pension.  He even tried to get his cop friend to put out an APB, not fully grasping what that actually is.  The cop, no longer enamored with Haley because of his high profile profession, gave him a citation for wasting valuable police time.  None of these attempts bore no fruit.

A despondent Haley could be seen lighting matches and throwing them absent mindedly into his backyard pool.  He bemoaned the fact that he would miss an opportunity to say the book was better than the movie.  He then mumbled something about what all of it was for, before breaking out into a high pitched crying fit.

As of this writing, the book has not been found.

UPDATE:

Haley’s young son has located the book.  It was in the top drawer of the entertainment center in the family room.

SECOND UPDATE:

He also found Haley’s body hanging from a ceiling fan in the ground floor bathroom.  Presumably, he found the book first.

THIRD UPDATE:

Haley’s corpse has been hired by ESPN.

ERIC MANGINI EDITED OUT OF CLASSIC SOPRANOS EPISODE

Eric Magini, former head coach of the New York Jets and Cleveland Browns, will no longer be a part of the Soprano family.  Mangini appeared in the penultimate episode of the revered HBO series, where Tony Soprano took it upon himself to “go say hello” to the “Mangenius” during a family dinner in Artie Bucco’s restaurant (editor’s note: Mangini was not whacked.  Tony said hello for real.  The writer has been reprimanded for his vague prose). 

David Chase, creator of the series, said that the scene will not be cut from future airings, but will instead be remastered.  “Mangini isn’t the Jets coach anymore,’ said Chase.  ‘With updates in technology, there’s no reason to compromise on my original vision, which is to keep the Sopranos a realistic depiction of the New Jersey mob.  And making sure our sports references are up to date is key to that vision.”

A deal is in the works for current Jets coach Rex Ryan to take Mangini’s place, and actors John Ventimiglia, Edie Falco, and James Gandolfini will be brought in to reprise their roles.  The Vesuvio’s set will be rebuilt at Long Island City’s Silver Cup Studios, and the entire Sopranos crew will be brought back.  The entire writing staff (excluding Matthew Weiner, who is busy with some sixties soap opera starring the dumb, good looking guy without hands from 30 Rock) is being reassembled to come up with a nickname for Bucco to call Ryan.  Any references to feet are being shelved, as the experienced writing crew doesn’t want to go for “the easy shit.”

When asked if he would undergo the same process when a new Jets coach is hired, Chase responded, “Absolutely.  Now fuck off,” before slamming the door on this writer’s fingers.  The remastered version of The Blue Comet will air in March on HBO 2.

BOSTON SPORTS BAR RUNS OUT OF SAM ADAMS; STEREOTYPES PEEVED

In what was one of the more shocking developments of an upset filled week 4 in the NFL, McCleary’s, a well known Dorchester sports pub, ran out of Samuel Adams beer, both the regular lager and the seasonal Oktoberfest brew.

Drink ma' shit!

“I don’t know what happened.  I ordered an extra keg because I knew the Pats playing the Raiders would inspire more drinking.  But by two o’clock, we were cleaned out,” said owner Joseph Gels.  Bill Sullivan, a South Boston native and avid New England sports fan, was aghast at the ordeal.  “What ehlse am I suppose’ ta drink?!  Fawkin’Miller?  Fawkin’Buhd Bill and da Pats woulda been wicked pissa if I dishawnerd our fawrfathas by puttin’ dat gahbidge in my bawdy!”

Grady Duncan, a frequent patron of McCleary’s, appeared to be the culprit for the stout drout.  “He’s a fawkin’ chowdahead, nevah leaves any fah da rest a us,” complained Sullivan.  Gels added, “He comes in here with a roll of hundreds and keeps yelling “hit me” like he’s at a blackjack table.  He’s unstoppable.” Duncan, passed out on the pool table in a puddle of his own fluids, was not available for comment.

Boston based behavioral psychologist Neil Bernard, sitting in a corner booth cheering his hometown Seattle Seahawks on a small television, had a clinical view of the situation: “You never want to separate a Boston boy from his native drink.  Studies show that f***ing terrible things happen during this depravation.  Fights, looting, pillaging, conception…this won’t end well.”

Bernard’s ominous view of the situation came to fruition moments later when Ricky Lansing, a self professed Sam Adams “supah snawb,” could no longer deal with sobriety, doused his car in military grade gasoline and crashed it through the bar front.  The ensuing fireball killed most of the patrons in the bar, including Sullivan and Bernard.  There was not much left, save an ironically unscathed empty Sam Adams keg.

As rescue teams dug through the wreckage, Gels looked at the smoking, fiery hole where his bar used to be with a nonplussed look on his face.  “You think this is the first bar I’ve had to build from scratch,” he scoffed as he dialed his good buddy Donnie at the local State Farm agency.  “This is Boston.  We set s*** on fire.”

UPDATE:

After sifting through the debris at what was formerly McCleary’s, the firefighters found a keg of Sam Adams Old Fezziwig Ale in the alley behind the bar.  “Well, that would have been useful about 45 minutes ago,” said Gels.  He then offered to prop up this reporter in a kegstand as we stood in the ashes of his boyhood dream.  It was still fresh and delicious (the drink, not the dream).

-Chris Bacarella

NEW YORK METS ONE UPPED, ACCEPT CHALLENGE

A day after two of the greatest collapses in Major League Baseball history were solidified within an hour and a half of each other, the New York Mets, the Michaelengelos of the choke job, laughed off the notion that they now had company.

The Mets: Crashing and Burning Even Before They Came Into Existence

“Blowing a 10 game lead with a month left?  Please, I won’t be impressed until they do it again next year,” said first base coach Mookie Wilson.  Relief pitcher Manny Acosta went on to say that his team could double down on Bostonand Atlanta’s “bet” by blowing a 22 game lead next year.  Catcher Ronny Paulino said that next season’s team would make the 07 and 08 Mets look like “a group of competent f***s.”   He ensured reporters that the Mets would win zero games next September.

Measures are already being taken to ensure this historic collapse: businessman Omar Minaya is looking to buy a majority holding in the Madoff crippled organization, Moises Alou has been hired as equipment manager, and Julio Franco will be brought in to bat cleanup.  It is unclear what role Miguel Cairo will play, but it is reported to be “significant.”

Not one member of the team mentioned how they planned to put the team in a position to initiate their collapse.*

– Chris Bacarella

*Classic Mets, everyone stays mum but we all know it’s coming.

COLT MCCOY THINKS HE’S IN A WESTERN

Cleveland Browns Quarterback Colt McCoy expressed concerns about the officiating after Sunday’s victory over Indianapolis.  McCoy believes “there’s a war a brewing” on the field between, as he puts it, “the white hat cowboys and the black hat no- good-niks.”  McCoy is reportedly taking measures to protect himself, should this “War of Zebra Aggression” actually ferment.  This includes keeping a Walker .44 handy and donning a Civil War era metal shield, a clear NFL dress code violation.

Dern Oriental Dry Cleaner Dern Shrunk My 10 Gallon Hat!

Browns coach Pat Shurmur attributed this misunderstanding to McCoy’s upbringing.  “He’s Texan; they all think ‘someone’s poisoning the water hole,’” Shurmer said with emphatic finger quotes.  “They’re just making protein shakes, Colt.”  Shurmur did admit, however, that he was impressed at McCoy’s astute recognition of symbolism.

Head Umpire Mike Carey assured reporters that there is no bad blood between him and his crew.  “Have you seen me officiate a game?  When I call a penalty, I give each hand gesture my all and use my vast karate knowledge.  I’ll judo chop any insubordinate motherf*****,” Carey said.

Previously, McCoy had taken umbrage with the fact that the flying pigs are not thrown on a spit and barbecued once they are caught.  He has also called out Commissioner Roger Goodell on his “piss-poor Plantation management skills.”

It is uncertain whether McCoy will be able to handle facing Dallas or Washington later in his career. “Could you imagine us playing actual Cowboys or Redskins?  I think I would have to sit him, for everyone’s safety,” Shurmur said.

– Chris Bacarella