Olympic Sprinter Tests Positive for SPANX

World record holder in the 100 and 200 meter dash and reigning “fastest man alive” Usain Bolt tested positive for the popular women’s undergarment accessory favored by single women, new mothers, and female screenwriters. His participation in this year’s Olympic games are now in doubt.

“Spanx’s dynamic combination of seventy percent nylon and thirty percent lycra means that Usain is more aerodynamic than anyone else on the track,” said U.S. track and field men’s coach Andrew Valmon. “This certainly calls into question his legacy and presents the athletic community with yet another performance enhancing obstacle.”

The Olympic racing community hasn’t been this rattled since sprinter Marion Jones was found to have used steroids to help catapult her to the top of the track and field world. Jones had multiple Olympic medals taken away, and spent six months in prison as a result.

U.S. hurdler and fellow London Olympian Lori “Lolo” Jones, weighed in saying, “I thought about asking Usain out after the Games. Just something casual outside the Olympic Village where we could really get to know one another. But now that I know his body’s a lie…honestly, the appeal’s kinda gone now.”

Bolt’s PR firm had no comment, except this photo:


Ken Burns announces 11-part docuseries on Quidditch

The respected auteur best known for his acclaimed PBS Home Video series The Civil War and Baseball, as well as “The Ken Burns effect,” recently announced plans for a new docuseries charting the evolution of Quidditch from an airborne game played by the young wizards and witches in the beloved Harry Potter books, to an earthbound game played by America’s finest liberal arts undergraduates. “I feel like I barely scraped the surface of things in both Baseball and The Civil War,” said Burns in a statement issued earlier today on Deadline Hollywood. “The relatively short but rich history of American Quidditch will allow me to (fingers crossed) take a consummate look at Quidditch’s rapid ascent as one of the premiere dicking around games played by college students today.” Principle shooting is set begin at Middlebury College, at the start of the 2012-2013 school year. To date, the yet-to-be named project will feature the voice talents of Philip Bosco, Amy Madigan, Wallace Shawn, Bob Costas, Tilda Swinton, and James Earl Jones, with narration from Garrison Keillor.

Nike unveils daring new soccer jerseys


In what people inside of Nike headquarters are hailing as one of the most bold fashion moves of all time, Nike design engineers revealed their newest jersey  for the men’s and women’s national soccer teams.

Representatives from the National teams in their new, controversially striped kits.

During a recent, Nike-sponsored press conference held at Nike’s Beaverton compound, the haggard but triumphant design team responsible for coming up with the idea to put stripes on a jersey discussed the revamp with Nike’s in-house press corps.

“We spent months trying to capture the essence of the national teams, and then molding their essences–essensi? I’m never sure–into one comprehensively stunning kit,” said design director Thomas Walker.

In the early days of the project, Nike’s creative braintrust reached out to members of each of the national teams, asking them to free-associate words that describe their respective squads.

According to Walker, responses from the USWNT and USMNT varied from “assertive,” “respected,” and “good,” to “frustrated,” “under-appreciated,” and “trying hard.” (Responses were submitted anonymously, so there’s no way to tell which descriptors came from which team.)

“People said we couldn’t do it–said America wasn’t ready for stripes–but we went with our gut, and I couldn’t be prouder,” continued Walker.

“I’m gonna piggy-back onto what Thomas just said, and remind everyone gathered here that when we started this project, all we had was a blank canvas, and our imaginations. Now look at us!” Shouted Rory O’Reilly to a room full of his Dry-Fitted co-workers.

Other designers described the process as one that required much personal sacrifice.

“I didn’t see my kids for weeks. The youngest boy thinks I’m his uncle,” chimed in team member Scott Albright.

“My marriage fell apart; I was served with divorce papers during a three minute mandatory hydration break,” said team member Jeremy Trine.  “But ask me if it was worth it. Seriously. Will someone please ask me? No? Okay. Well, the answer was going to be, ‘We fell out of love years ago. Right around the time of the equally groundbreaking Oregon Ducks redesign. After that project, I could basically write my own ticket.’ I’m sorry. What were we talking about?”

Nike representatives, eager to gauge the public’s response to the newly outfitted soccer stars, asked fans at a recent friendly at PPL Park between the US Women’s National Team and China what they thought.

“The stripes? Yeah, they’re okay, I guess,” answered father of four Don Albright (no relation to Scott). “Can I go back and watch the game with my kids now?”

Outside the stadium, though, Nike canvassers got more of the controversial blow-black all real artists look for.

“Americans don’t wear stripes! Stripes are flip-floppy. Solids show that we commit,” said one wild-eyed gentleman standing at a nearby bustop. “Just look at them running around,” he said, pointing to a program for that day’s game that had blown out onto the sidewalk. “They look like they’re about to take a leisurely ride down the Riviera.”

For more on people trying to come up with as many things as possible to say about stripes, please see this little video.


Congratulations, Coach Summitt

Upon news of her pseudo-retirement, legendary Tennessee Lady Vols basketball coach Pat Summitt was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the country’s First Bastketball Fan. Summitt’s impact on the game has been inestimable, and there’s really nothing to say other than: Congratulations Coach, and thanks for all you’ve done.

*Graph brought to you by Microsoft Paint™ and the We Don’t Know How Graphs Work, Co.


Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

  • According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

  • And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).


Typical Canadians shooting things first, and asking if there are fancy athletes in the vicinity later

Typical Canadians shooting first, and asking if there are fancy athletes in the vicinity later

Hours after arriving in Vancouver for the CONCACAF tournament, where the U.S. women’s soccer team hopes to qualify for this year’s London Games, a lone Canadian gunman entered the players’ hotel and opened fire in the adjoining bar.

None of the players were hurt, though the incident kept star goalie/dancer Hope Solo from making a post-practice caffeine run. “Was about to walk to starbucks [sic] when all hell broke loose in the lobby of our hotel! Life is precious…” Tweeted the Nike spokeswoman and Golden Glove Winner.

“Well, here we go again. First it was their heroics last year in Germany, and now the mainstream media feels compelled to mention that they were almost victims of a senseless tragedy,” lamented male soccer star Landon Donovan, on his way inside a Los Angeles area Pinkberry.

“I have it on good authority that ESPN ran the story somewhere on its futball homepage. To say nothing of all the press This is the Sports–where sports goes to get their sports–has been giving the team. I mean, when was the last time anyone gave a fig about the men’s national team? If we had been shot at, would anyone have cared?”

Sometime soon after making this remark, a tree in a distant forest allegedly fell down.


In what is being heralded as one of the funniest things to happen to the professional football world in a long time, brothers Jim and John Harbaugh are dangerously close to forcing their parents to make a tough decision this weekend. Both son’s professional football teams are in their respective divisional Championship games.
“It will probably come down to who we like the most. John’s the funnier of the two, but he’s spent the last three Christmases and Thanksgivings at his wife’s side of the family. And Jim is probably the more talented, but once stole the keys to my 1973 Impala, and went joy riding with a buncha his highschool teammates. That still chaps my ass,” said the legendary father of two potential hall of fame athletes.
“Honestly, it’ll be a last minute decision–a hail mary, if you will!” chimed in Jackie, his supportive wife of over 50 years.
“Good one, dear!” shot back the senior Harbaugh.
Not everyone is amused with the pending decision, though. The Harbaughs’ next door neighbor, Anna Paley, recently expressed her thoughts on the matter at favorite Harbaugh family haunt Pete’s Diner, to anyone within earshot.
“Oh, how precious for them. Two wildly successful offspring. What to do, what to do? When they make a decision, let me know, will ya? They can help me figure out if I should pick up my kid who just got early parole, or clock in for my night shift at the factory,” said the poor tipper, with the unkempt lawn.


First Selfish Female Athlete in Recorded History Claps for Herself...or Maybe America

First selfish female athlete in recorded history claps* for herself...or maybe America

It all started in 1908, when the first, Super-Secret-Pinky-Swear women’s sports convention was held. Representatives from the original Seven Sisters established a charter stating that female collegiate athletes were required to “treat each other with dignity and respect,” and a whole lot of other bullshit that’s not conducive to sports.

(It was also here that the adorable idea of “role model” was first conceived. “Oh, as if we’re not enough!” raged a coalition of chambermaids, school marms, and hookers protesting outside the convention, as recorded by one of the attendees in her diary later that evening.)

Since then, athletic women the world-over have struggled to assert themselves as competitive, dominant, inventive masters of Sport.

Over the years, there have been a few female athletes with drive, ambition, and a giant pair of metaphorical balls fighting for the right to be appreciated on the playing field. Unfortunately at every turn, they’ve been met with disappointment, snubbed by their more gracious and womanly counterparts. “We really thought Sheryl [Swoopes] was going to be the one to break the glass ceiling. But she ended up being a real class act,” said the world’s most likable aggressive female athlete, during a post-game interview, and on her way to a diabetes awareness benefit dinner. “I guess it’s back to the drawing board,” she shrugged. “Can I get anybody anything before I leave? Everybody good? How are your kids doing?”

Not surprisingly, a recent study comparing the off-season lives of WNBA and NBA players found that female ballers tend to favor quiet domestic pursuits and catching up with girlfriends (the straight kinds), while men enjoy flashier honey-do lists.

(The study was so boring, we couldn’t be bothered to show even one of its many multi-colored pie charts.)

“Would it kill them to just do a little trash talking now and agin, or threaten to sue someone or like, get into a knife fight? Anything! I can’t sell this slop for much longer! Fuck, man. I’ve got two mortgages.”  Raged one of five female sports agents currently in existence, in the study’s concluding remarks.

Whether female athletes are able to break the kindness mold remains to be seen. With the Olympics right around the corner, and global rivalries becoming somewhat notable, perhaps 2012 will be the year of the angry female athlete. But probably there will just be a lot of hugging and handshaking, and good, clean fun.

*Actually brushing dirt off from a community garden she and her teammates planted during half-time of the Women’s World Cup final.