BUCCANEERS SET TO PLACE THE FRANCHISE TAG ON TIFFANY

Sex Appeal

Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ GM Mark Dominik took to the podium this morning to announce the team’s decision on where to place their franchise tag for 2012.  “After a long heated debate and in looking at our roster, it was clear that we had to keep Tiffany the cheerleader on the squad for the 2012 season.  She was an asset that we were not ready to part with and we hope it pays off in the long run.”  The franchise tag will put Tiffany in the top 5 median of NFL Cheerleader salaries, which comes to $70 a game.

There was speculation that the club would place the tag on 4 year veteran PK Connor Barth, however, sources from inside the Buccaneers’ war room said that the plan was changed at the last minute because “it would have been the gayest use of the franchise tag ever”.  When asked about the future for Barth, Dominik reflected “Let’s be honest, the NFL is a business. The owners know it, the players know it, the fans know it as well.  I can say that this was 100% a business decision from our standpoint.  We are in a down economy and we had to ask ourselves a couple of tough questions about what would generate revenue.  What is going to sell more lower level, season tickets: Connor [Barth] booming 50 yard field goals during warm-ups or Tiffany wearing a scantily-clad pirate outfit shaking and gyrating her moneymakers for all of God’s green Earth to see?  We had to go with the sure thing.”  Barth could not be immediately reached for comment and he was last seen drinking heavily behind a Long John Silvers.

Very little to no sex appeal

Fans and players reactions were all supportive of the decision.  “Dude, she got some big knockers.  I can see why they kept her around,” said Gerry Simpson from Clearwater, FL, “I’m a Bucs fan whenever they are relevant, otherwise I don’t care and go fishing.  But shit, I’ll watch the games every now and then if she’s going to be on the sideline.  As long as it’s not on the same time as Cops.”  QB Josh Freeman added his thoughts to the discussion, “Connor is a real stand-up guy; everyone appreciates his contributions over the past couple years.  But as Mr. Dominik said, you have to keep the important pieces in order to win a championship.  That’s our focus and we have the personnel to..ah fuck it, we suck.”

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ESPN ANNOUNCES PLANS FOR NEW, ALL TWITTER NETWORK

So what if they just replay the segments? What are you going to do, watch CNN?

The leader in sports entertainment announced plans this morning for a new addition to their family of networks.  “In an age where social media and user generated content is becoming more and more prevalent, we, the cable sports leader, have decided to expand our family of networks by adding an all new concept to television programming: #ESPN,” said ESPN president John Skipper this morning, “#ESPN will launch this fall and be dedicated to athlete and fan twitter input.  We like to think that by being pioneers, we can be the standard bearer’s for TV’s new ‘Modern Age’.”  Mr. Skipper would not give an exact date for the new launch or if any key personalities would move over to the brand.

“I think the new direction makes a lot of sense for the organization; this is the news that people want,” said Hannah Storm, ESPN’s Sportscenter Anchor and part-time cool Mom who lets their high school kids drink in the basement, “I mean, most of the time, we just read athletes twitter accounts anyways and make news stories out of that, even if it is completely baseless and gossipy. If we dedicate an entire network to it, it wouldn’t look as if we were just filling time during the live Sportscenter.”

Costas Rules!

Social media was mixed on the new ESPN direction.  Miami Heat’s Lebron James tweeted, “#ESPN this Fall?!  Can’t Wait!  Hopefully I’ll get some air time now! #fingerscrossed”.  @nbcsportsnetwork chimed in to the discussion,”@ESPN getting new network in the fall.  Good Luck! #sarcasm #gosuckaneggberman“.  Later it added, “@ESPN what is new your network going to be called?  ESPNGAY? #burn #costasrules!”.  NBC later said that their account was hacked and Bob Costas was not involved.  An unknown twitter feed, @notmarkzuckerberg, added, “Why would @ESPN use Twitter?  Twitter sucks; facebook is so much cooler! Can’t get enough of timeline! #facebookstillcool #twitterblows”.

Despite the negative reactions, #ESPN is already getting set for their launch this fall.  Below is a list of 5 new shows that will premiere on the newtwork.

  • Twitter Feed: #ESPN’s flagship program will be their twitter feed.  They will follow every athlete in the 4 major sports as well as sports personalities.  “The hope is that not only breaking news will be revealed on this feed, but also comments that can be deemed as racially insensitive and in poor taste.  This would be a great driver for ratings.”
  • Twitter War: Two analysts, athletes, or celebrities will talk sports and verbally fight each other via their Twitter accounts.  “Imagine PTI only instead of talking, they have their iPads or laptops in front of them and the entire discussion is done via twitter.  The tension!”
  • F$%king Skip Bayless!: Skip Bayless spouts off useless commentary and off-the-wall predictions while people can write in how much they hate him and wish he was dead.  “This one speaks for itself; a no-brainer really.  We may also have a spin-off for Merril Hoge and Scoop Jackson.”
  • NFL Lecture Hour: Mark Schlereth and Tedy Bruschi read NFL players’ twitter accounts and lecture them on what would have happened if they tried to pull that stunt when they played for their respected superbowl teams.  “It just seems natural; they do it every day anyways.”
  • #Punk’d!: Based off the hit MTV show in which unknown twitter followers will try to piss off an athlete via twitter.  “We’re hoping to get Ashton Kutcher to be the host.  It will be hard to juggle the new show with his #1 comedy that no one watches.”

Patriots Brass Confirms that Wes Welker was Disciplined after Superbowl Loss

Vince? Is that you? Vince...?

Patriots’ owner Robert Kraft took to the podium to confirm rumors about a locker room incident featuring several Patriots’ players ganging up on WR Wes Welker.  “The decision to discipline Wes was mine and mine alone.  I felt that this loss could have been avoided and that the course of action we took was in the best interest of the franchise for the long and short term.  The Patriot Way must and will be upheld as long as I am in control.”

According to earlier reports, Welker was walking out of the shower after the Patriots loss on Sunday when teammates Vince Wilfork and Rob Gronkowski grabbed him, pinned him to the ground, and had Wilfork sit on his stomach with a tennis racket.  After Wilfork got up, Gronkowski emptied an entire bottle of syrup on Welker’s chest.  All while this was happening, fellow teammates were chanting “Awful Waffle!“.  Paramedics were called to the scene by a locker room attendant, but they arrived too late to save Welker from being very sticky and embarrassed.  Welker has not been seen since Superbowl XLVI and calls placed to his management were not returned as of this morning.

Pretty much, yeah.

“Wes is a great friend and teammate.  I would do anything for the man,” said Patriots’ QB Tom Brady, “That being said, he deserved everything that was given to him.  He needs to catch the ball during that situation.  That was our best opportunity of the night…well, aside from me missing Deion Branch on that crossing route, or when I under-threw Gronkowski, or when Hernandez dropped that one at the end, or that safety I took on the first play of the game, or…Shit! Is that Vince?  Is he holding syrup!?”

“I am aware of the situation that occurred Sunday night and I am working with Patriots’ officials to gather all of the facts,” stated NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “As far as any fines, we may go in a different direction for a punishment.  I’m working with Camp Anawanna Executive Director Dr. Kahn at this time.  He may have the current whereabouts of Zeke the Plumber.  We’ll then put the perpetrators out in the woods with Mr. the Plumber and have them spend the night.  Anyone who has their head plunged will receive a $50k fine.  That’s the idea at least; we’re still firming things up with the NFLPA at this time.”

Sources: James Van Der Beek Verbally Commits to Texas

The Reason Every Guy Wanted a Buck Cut

National Signing Day has always been full of twists and surprises, but the latest committal for the Texas Longhorns may be the most peculiar in recent memory.  Sources for This Is The Sports have confirmed that Texas has received a verbal commitment from actor James Van Der Beek.   “I mean, I don’t really know how legal all of this is, but so far it looks like I will be playing for the Texas Longhorns for the next 4 years,” stated an enthusiastic Van Der Beek, “Coach Brown has been recruiting me for over a decade now and that really put an impression on me.  It’s good to feel wanted, especially after the past couple of years.  Things have been pretty rough ever since “Dawson’s Creek” ended.”

Head Coach Mack Brown had this to say regarding Van Der Beek, “It’s a huge commitment for us.  He’s a little unorthodox and has a problem with authority, but Moxon has been on our blue-chip list ever since his 1999 high school season and when we found out that he didn’t actually attend Brown University, we have really pushed all of our recruiting efforts into acquiring him.  It’s good to know that all of our hard-work has paid off and we can’t wait to welcome Mox to the Longhorn family.”

“I am mortified to say the least, but I’m not very shocked that it’s happening.  Mack loved the movie “Varsity Blues” and ever since watching it he wanted to get “Mox”.  I even showed him that there was no one in the state of Texas with the name Johnathan Moxon and showed him pictures of Mr. Van Der Beek,” stated a bewildered DeLoss Dodds, Texas athletic director, “I didn’t think the S.O.B. was serious, but I guess we are using an athletic scholarship on this guy.”

On asked whether he expected to start as a true freshman, Van Der Beek admitted that he has never actually played organized football.  “I don’t even know all the rules; I know that the yellow line on the field is unofficial.  I’m also really out of shape and can’t throw if my life depended on it.  To be completely honest, I don’t really think I will ever play, but at least I’ll get to be on the team which is cool.  I’m really excited to try out for the improv club; sounds like a blast!”

The Hutch

To add to the controversy, UT’s student body seems to be against the Longhorns new QB in waiting.  “My first reaction was like “O my God, eww”.  Like, I think he’s really cute, but like he could be my Dad he’s so old, so to me that’s, like totally creepy right..?” explained Jennifer Robertson, a Sophomore history major, “And what he did to Joey was so wrong I almost cried.  I’m glad she found love with Pacey, but like honestly, Dawson shouldn’t have led her on like that.”  Nick “Hutch” Hutchinson, Junior finance major, added to Jennifer’s resentment, “Dude, not cool, Mack, seriously.  My buddy Hodge was telling me that this dude is gay; like he likes guys.  Totally not joking, bro.  We need a QB that goes out to the bars, drinking beers, gets some biddies, and then goes out there and just kills it on the field.  All swag, Straight murderin’.  Also, he’s gotta be in PiKA.  PiKA what you know!  Word up to Sledge, Cups, and my little Deets!  DEETS!!!”

COUGHLIN TO RYAN: STOP THE PRANK CALLS

The Battle for New York City took another surprising twist yesterday with a plea from Giants’ Head Coach Tom Coughlin.  “I want to take care of a personal matter at this time before I answer any questions about the upcoming game.  Rex, please stop prank calling me and my assistant coaches.  We know it’s you and frankly, it’s extremely childish.”  When asked to clarify about the phone calls, “He’s calling us pretending to be all sorts of characters from Brady to my Mother.  He uses the same voice every-time and doesn’t try to disguise it.  Once was in all good fun; now it’s just harassment.”

The Jets denied any wrong doing, saying that the phone calls occurred on a private residence.  “We are doing an internal investigation right now and will not accuse anyone at this time,” Jets’ owner Woody Johnson said when asked about Coach Ryan’s actions, “Rex has been known to prank call people in the past, but there was never malicious intent.  We will stand by our Head Coach until we have all the facts of the case.”  Sources inside the Jets organization have hinted that this episode was brought on by the Giants recent win in the NFC Championship game.  Coach Rex Ryan had invited some players over to watch the contest.  Alcohol and illicit drugs have not been ruled out as a contributing factor.

Below is a transcript of one of the prank calls received by Coach Couglin.  The following contains graphic language:

2:37 AM

Tom Coughlin: Hello?

Caller #1: (Yelling) HEY FAGGOT!  It’s Bill!

TC:  Bill?  Wait, Bill Belichick?

1: Of course, who’d ya think?  Congrats on beating the red team.

TC: Oh the Niners?  Yeah, they were a great team and I think our guys really showed…

1: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up.  I’m going to beat you in the superbowl, ball face!  Get it?  Your face looks like a pair of balls!

Caller #2: (Background) No No!  Tell him you’ll put your balls on his face.

1: (Background) Shut up, I got this, Mark!

TC: Am I on Speaker?  Is there someone else on the line?

1: O shit, um yeah!  Of course, Brady is hear with me.  We like kissing each other (Laughter)

TC: O Ok…?

2: And we like touching butts.

1:  (Laughter) Yeah, I forgot about that.  We touch our butts together all the time.  And watch “Twilight” movies.

2: (Snorts something) Holy Shit!  That’s so gay!  Brady and Belichick are gay!  Why would they do that?

TC: Ok, well I’m going to go now.  I have to watch film…

1: Wait, quick question-

(Click)

Gun to my head, I totally would.

2:51 AM

TC: Hello?

1: It’s gay Bill again!  I said I had a question!

TC: I don’t think this is Bill-

1: Shut up.  Marry Fuck Kill- Gandalf, Mr. Miyagi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  GO!

TC: Wait what the Hell?!

1: Don’t think, just answer!

2: Rex, he knows!  Hang up!

TC: Wait, Rex!?  Is that you?!  Cut this out NOW!

1: If you don’t marry Gandalf, you’re a faggot!

(Click)

Aww, what are you gonna cry, Baby? Cry for me, Baby, CRY!

3:26 AM

TC: Rex, I swear to God I’ll go public with this.

1: You’re so old.  You’re going to die soon!

TC: Don’t say that.

1: You probably smell old.  Old, smelly, sooner dead guy!

TC: I’m hanging up, Rex.

1: FUCK!  I just want to win a Superbowl.  Fucking people are making fun of me.  You’re making fun of me.

TC: I’m not making fun of you, Rex.

1: Yes you are!  You and everyone else is being mean and I hate it.  It’s not my fault; It’s the offense.  Sanchez, Schottenheimer, Burress.  I hate them all!

TC: Hey, come on now, cut that out.  We’re not all being mean to you.

1: (Sobbing and snorting) I don’t want to be couch anymore…Sancehz is a poop head.

TC: Stop that.  Come on, Rex.  Listen, I promise I’ll defend you and the Jets if you please stop calling me tonight.

1: You…You would do that?

TC: I promise.

1: Wow…thanks Tom.  You know what I just realized?

TC: What’s that?

1: You probably can’t have sex because your dick is so old and wrinkly.

TC: You’re an asshole.

1: Old Dick! Old Dick! Old Dick!

(Click)

WIZARDS NEGOTIATING WITH FREE AGENT BARACK OBAMA

Got My Vote

According to various NBA sources, the Washington Wizards (1-12) are in preliminary talks with free agent G Barack Obama.  Rumors began last night when reporters saw the President’s motorcade outside of the Wizard’s practice facility.

Spokesmen from either side of the bargaining table wouldn’t confirm or deny the reports as of early this morning.  “We are always open to acquiring new talent for the organization,” said Wizard’s GM Ernie Grunfeld, “We have a good team…well, not good but ummmm…?  I mean, shit, we are awful, but we have a full roster.  Did that answer your question?”  White House press secretary Jay Carney didn’t add much to the rumor mill, “If you look at his record, it is obvious that President Obama has always maintained a positive view on the sport of Basketball.  His focus right now is the economy and upcoming election.  If we feel that this is the best avenue to achieve both of those goals, then we are willing to negotiate.”

Barack Obama, 50, has been the President of the United States for the past 3 years and has no experience in professional basketball.  Although the move has some NBA insiders scratching their heads, political analysts praise the strategy by the White House.  “It’s an absolute win-win no matter how you look at it,” explained MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, “If he goes there and rides the pine, the Wizard’s will still be awful and he won’t have to deal with any tough decisions.  If he goes out there and scores a double-double each night, his approval ratings will go through the roof.  Nothing influences a Gallup poll like a Sportscenter highlight.”

“Are you serious?  What the hell are they doing?,” said Wizard’s Head Coach Flip Saunders, “I mean Christ Almighty, who the fuck is running this franchise?  We are giving Rashard Lewis just under $22 Million dollars a year!  Mike Bibby is still getting paid!  And now they want to get the O-Dogg to run point?  He was getting worked by college kids!”  After taking a swig from a flask, he then added, “I swear if I wasn’t in so deep with the Japanese Yakuza, I would quit this dog and pony show.”  He was later found passed out in his office with a bucket of KFC original recipe and a notebook filled with the phrase “Kill Darko“.

JAGS OWNER: I’M NOT GENE SHALIT

I'm the real Khan!

At a press conference this morning, Jaguar’s owner Shahid Khan became enraged when a third member of the media asked him for his take on the new movie “Joyful Noise”.  “Stop asking me for movie reviews, God damn it!  For the last time, THAT’S Gene Shalit; I’M Shahid Khan.  I own the Jaguars; I don’t even like movies!” explained Khan, “I will be happy to answer anyone who has any questions regarding our upcoming off season or anything else NFL related.  Anyone with movie questions, please leave immediately!”  The press conference promptly ended after the statement.  “I find it extremely rude that ‘Mr. Kahn’ didn’t take my question seriously,”  said Brian Stenson, the media personnel that prompted the outburst, “I know he retired from The Today Show 2 years ago, but I don’t think it was out of line to ask his opinion.  The guy couldn’t have been a bigger jerk about it.”

Khan, who became majority owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars on January 4th, has had a rough start with the Jaguar’s fan base in his early tenure.  Last Thursday, Mr. Khan stated that a true fan of the team was “a Jaguar’s season ticket holder“.  The Jaguar’s were 24th in attendance for the 2011 NFL season, a statistic that is shocking considering that they were 5-11 and had Blaine Gabbert as their Quarterback.  This most recent episode brings another black eye to a franchise who is trying to rebuild and change it’s image.

Don't Listen to Him! FOR I AM THE REAL KHAN!!

“I’m not in the position to comment on Mr. Khan’s comments earlier this morning,” said Jaguar’s GM Gene Smith, “I can comment on ‘Joyful Noise’.  I thought it had great story-telling and was a lot of fun!  I went into it thinking ‘Now what on God’s green earth could Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton have in common?’ and came out realizing a lot about myself as a person.  It’s not about our race or culture; it’s about our community, family, and the magic of music bringing together people of all backgrounds!  If I were coach, game film gets replaced by this and every other Queen Latifah movie.”  Jaguar’s Head Coach Mike Mularkey could not be reached for comment.

“Mr. Khan is a great businessman and will be a great owner in this league,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “We’ll probably fine him $50k for his comments and $200k for Mr. Smith’s action of actually going to see ‘Joyful Noise’.  I’m also going to try to fine everyone who acted or worked on that sad excuse of a movie.  I’m then going to take the money collected from all the individuals and produce ‘Marmaduke 2: Bark in the Saddle’.  James Harrison will play the voice of the villain, Professor Pussycat.  He will be fined for his role in trying to bring down Marmaduke‘s hilarious adventure to Sea World.  It will be a delightful romp.”