A.J. BURNETT TO PIRATES, FORCED TO LIVE REST OF LIFE “LIKE SCHNOOK”

Early Friday morning, baseball-playing ostrich A.J. Burnett was sent from the New York Yankees to the Pittsburgh Pirates for two prospects and a gratuitous but oh-so-delicious $13.1 million. The trade did not come as a surprise to the 35-year-old mega-bird, but the announcement still moved him to tears.

 

Above, the Burnett boys.

 

Sources close to Burnett say that, despite his struggles on the mound, he wanted to stay in New York. As a child in North Little Rock, Arkansas, Burnett yearned to escape to the Big Apple, a desire inspired by the 1990 commercial smash Goodfellas. And once he arrived, he never wanted to go anywhere else.

“A.J. fell in love with the movie in the first five minutes,” his father said, in a TITSclusive interview. “He was all over it, even at six. The drugs, the screwdriver murders, the meatballs in sauce… everything. He wanted a life in the mafia. He craved the violence and the money, but he just couldn’t find a way to New York. That’s where baseball came in. Pitching was his ticket to the big time, and until a couple hours ago, he was living his dream.”

After several seconds of silent contemplation, the elder Burnett added, “Yeah, he’s always been a little fucked up upstairs.”

But now that Burnett has to pack his bags and move to Pittsburgh, it seems that his boyhood aspirations are crumbling around him. According to ThisIsTheSports mafia expert Chris Bacarella, Burnett’s drug-peddling activities are about to see a significant downturn:

“Everyone in (*rolls dollar bill, snorts line of cocaine*) west Pennsylvania’s too (*line*) busy mining – that is what (*line*) they do, right? – to get high (*line line line line*).”

The rest of Bacarella’s analysis will be available when he emerges from his drug-induced coma.

 

Sigh... every damn time...

As for Burnett’s future, it is likely that his relocation will force an early retirement. Without the drug racket he’s used to, Burnett doesn’t see any reason to continue his baseball career: “I see myself spending a year in Pittsburgh, if that. Besides, you can only eat so many fried mayonnaise balls before your blood solidifies. I can feel the agita already.”

From there, Burnett’s press conference devolved into a round of ceaseless Goodfellas quotations, after which he knocked off two reporters on his way out the door.

CRICKET MATCH ENTERS RECORD-SETTING 4th CENTURY

Known for their ponderous length, cricket matches have been OH DEAR GOD JUST CALL IT A TIE ALREADY.

A cricket match between the Commonwealth of Australia and the Republic of India inaugurated its 300th anniversary today, making it the longest contest in the history of the sport by 34 seconds. The milestone was marked at 9:00 GMT by continuing the silence that has been characteristic of the game since the last surviving player died in 1762.

Deadlocked since that year at 376,897,098,983, 765,865,176,708 to Deadlocked since that year, neither side has expressed desire to concede the match. In fact, when asked whether his team’s odds of winning had dwindled due to the demise of its players, the Mayor of Australia quipped, “You think we’re just going to forfeit because all of our players died a long time ago? Let me tell you something, if these brave Australian cricketers had adopted that kind of give-up attitude at the start, they’d all have died a long time — Oh. I see what you mean.”

Posed the same question, the President of India responded, “We’re confident we’ll come out on top. Indians are known for their strong constitutions, and as soon as this little irrevocable death bug passes, the whole team will be raring to go.”

The cricket pitch, circa 1900.

High-ranking officials aren’t the only ones buzzing about this landmark event; anthropologists are getting in on the fun as well. Several were out on the pitch today, including Carl Sweetney: “Look at how funny they did things back then! They spell ‘Australia’ with YE on the scoreboard. A-U-S-T-R-A-L-Y-E. Australye! Classic!”

Evidently, this tricentennial has reignited Australia and India’s respective interests in cricket, interests the Mayor of Australia does not want to see wane: “Don’t make us go back to rugby. It hurts. It hurts so bad.”

"Please sir, I don't have any more teeth to give!"

ELI MANNING ABANDONS NFL, TAKES POST AS WISHING WELL DIVER

At a recent press conference, Abby McGrew, wife of famed New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning, declared that her husband would be retiring from the NFL in favor of a position at a local mall. When asked about which position specifically, McGrew hushed her voice and muttered, “He’s going to be diving for change in wishing wells.”

The news comes to a shock to the Giants and the NFL at large, as Manning had just wrapped up the best season of his career and was instrumental in his team’s hard-fought playoff berth.

McGrew continued to answer questions as her husband sat next to her, completely silent and engrossed in a game of Temple Run. Asked about the motivation behind her husband’s career move, McGrew forced out a painful admission: “To be honest, money’s a bit tight right now. Eli and I decided that it was time for our family to start bringing home some real income.”

Manning’s 6-year, $97.5 million contract in 2009 seems to be more than enough for the average family. However, McGrew informed the media that her husband’s paychecks, though lucrative, were not making it home: “Ever since Eli entered the NFL, he’s found it hard to get his checks from accounting to our house. He tends to… lose them.”

WOO! Payday! Time to get this to the --

-- what smells like turkey? *investigates* *loses check*

A flurry of questions erupted from the media, at which point Manning paused his game and indignantly defended himself: “Checks are so tiny! You forget them in your pants, they get washed. You host a bonfire, they get kindled. That’s why I’m switching to wishing wells. Change makes noise when you carry it around, it’s impossible to lose. You can’t hear checks. Duh.”

As the press conference drew to a close, Manning regained his composure and expressed his optimism for the future. “Seven years of ouchball and I didn’t earn a dime. Then I stop by the mall one day for some day-old Auntie Anne’s, and I find $7.34 in one of the fountains.”

The fountain that made Mark Brunell the best quarterback in New York.

Manning paused, and smiled. “That’s how you know God is watching over you.