NICK SWISHER TO FLY BALL: “COME AT ME BRO!”

Bros!  U see Nicky Swish the other day?  HE CRUSHED THAT CATCH!  Absolutely crushed it!  The ball was like some honey at the frat and Swish3000 totes ripped his shirt off, strolled over there, said “WHAT UP HONEY.”

Swish has long been the bro-est bro in all of MLB.  Some SwishFAX to remind you how DECK he is:

  • Fav movie:  Wedding Crashers / Gladiator
  • Fav book: HAHA GAY!
  • Fav babe: Kate Upton… bro…
  • Fav MILF: early 40’s Halle Berry, she’s totes used up now
  • Fav team: THE A TEAM BRO!  Seriously that show still totes holds up.  Me and my gramps used to watch it always back in the day. For real RIP.

CRACK ADDICTS SAD JOSH HAMILTON DERAILED CAREER

Crack addicts nationwide are dissapointed that former star Josh Hamilton’s career has fallen apart due to involvement with Major League Baseball.  “He was so young, so powerful,” said Sniffles, a Detroit crack addict with six teeth.  “He was a hall of famer,* the next Winehouse.”  From the second Hamilton picked up the pipe and laced up his soleless shoes people knew he was a once in a lifetime prodigy.

*Located in Covington, Kentucky.  

Powerful, NSFW image right there.

Unfortunately, few knew about his secret involvement with baseball.  Throughout high school Hamilton became initiated with the sport, ignoring hard drugs of all kinds for years.  Then he turned pro for a few years, shocking everyone.  Weezy Joe: “To have him overcome such a heavy distraction was amazing.  He dabbled with baseball for years but with the help of some friends he was able to put it behind him.”

However, Hamilton relapsed in 2007.  He dabbled with baseball for about half a season with the Reds before falling completely down the rabbit hole with the Texas Rangers.   “I haven’t been this upset since Bobby,” says lifetime, one legged hobo Chuck “Momo” Morrison, former sidewalk and bus-mate of Robert Downey, Jr.

TORONTO BLUE JAYS PLAN ON BEING OKAY FOR YEARS TO COME

The 23-19 Toronto Blue Jays continue their excellent streak of decent play in 2012, a streak they have maintained since 2005.  The proud Canadian mediocrity holds the streak dear to their hearts.  “Being meh is something we’re extremely proud of,” said general manager Alex Anthopoulos.  “We want it to continue.”

“Could’ve been better but you did your best!”

Numerous Blue Jays greats visited their Spring Training practice facility to remind the guys to do their “enough-est” but not to get hurt, but if you make it halfway through what was going to be an amazing season.

The Blue Jays are here to stay right in the middle.  Look out American League.

BRYCE HARPER YOUNGEST DOUCHEBAG IN MLB HISTORY

Bryce Harper is officially the youngest douchebag in MLB history.  The Washington Nationals 19 year old centerfielder is playing remarkably well for his age, and sure is acting like he’ll be a douchebag for years to come.

That a bro? He coming at me?

It took Alex Rodriguez years to fully realize his douche potential, but Harper does not require big money or a key media market to act like a dickhead.  Late last night the phenom hit a home run and demanded his teammates carry him “chariot style” across the diamond; a gesture not seen since Manny Ramirez left the Red Sox.

Many say it was his hard work in the minors that made him such an insufferable prick.  He really made his mark by showboating, posing after home runs and blowing a kiss to a pitcher before he made it to the majors.  Experts expect him to demand teammates be traded through the media as early as next season.

“I wouldn’t be shocked if he started jerking off after every home run,” says ESPN’s John Kruk.  “We haven’t seen that since Gary Sheffield‘s hey day.”

If anyone can remove his penis on the field of play and spend 3 to 4 minutes stroking himself until ejaculation, it is Bryce Harper.

IDIOT FAN CONVINCED ORIOLES HAVE A SHOT THIS YEAR

The Luchidor in question

Some Idiot Fan in Baltimore is convinced the Orioles, 6-4 and leading the AL East, have a shot to win it all this year.  This moron does not care that it is only 10 games, he will not relent: “If their pitching can just hold it together they’ll be fine,” says the fucking retard.  “Adam Jones and Wieters are good for 30 homers a piece, and Markakis is definitely going to put it together.”

The fan would not listen to any sports analysts, his friends or common logic when discussing the squad.  “The Sox got all this drama, Yanks are old, Rays just don’t scare me…” When reminded of the Blue Jays, a team many think could win another division outside the AL East, this dipshit said he was not convinced.

He then tried to get the wave going amongst his fellow fans, all of whom were actually rooting for the visiting Tigers.

Stupid motherfucker is also psyched for the Redskins.

The fan section

CREEPERS MAKE LONG TRIP TO SOFTBALL SPRING TRAINING

Local creepers are packing their windowless vans and reserving their damp motel rooms to make it to softball spring training in Florida.  The nation’s creepers spent all winter growing out their fingernails, watching late night infomercials and drinking week old milk all while pining for the days of spring; now that softball season is about to begin, these creepers have a reason to go outside again.  “Mumble, grumble, mumble I like the game and the skirts, good to… in the… I like watching,” says creeping legend Abe.  Just Abe.

Just to save time most creepers use their mugshots as team photos

Creepers use this time to train for the upcoming softball season; many prepare their parking techniques on the side of the highway, arriving six hours early to a softball game, trying on new windbreaker jackets, and, of course, experimenting with new and innovative lensing.  “Most old timers stick with the classic binocular look,” says 47 creep up and comer Cody Lassater.  “But us young pups prefer telephoto lensing, some even use straight up telescopes. Those are the radicals changing this game.”

Others are experimenting with camouflage outfits, hiding low in the grass for a more “deep in shit” feel.

The new technology has elevated their game

Most creepers spend the off season getting some much needed relaxation before returning to training; but some take year round care of their minds and bodies.  “You always want to be able to… perform, so to speak,” says Wisconsin creeper Joseph Klinski.  “You got to creep year round.  Indoor soccer, local Y basketball, never want to let your swing get out of whack or binocular hold get tilted.  Always want to be ready to watch people perform at their best at your best.”

When asked what she thought of the creepers, University of Maryland centerfielder Kasey Horn said “um…”

Just then, Abe, Just Abe, parallel parked right into a parking meter, almost falling out of the car in embarrassment.  Even for the future hall of famers, it is only spring training.

One of the more... direct... vehicles

ANGELS MAKE PUJOLS WEAR MUSTACHE, CLAIM HE IS TWO PLAYERS

The Los Angeles Anaheimian Angels in America tried to pull a fast one today by “signing” Albert Pujols‘ “twin brother” Salbert.  Salbert, or Sal, is the future hall of famer’s identical twin except for his trademark mustache.  “He’s an amazing DH but might even play a little third base. I wonder if he can play it? I wouldn’t know, I’ve never seen… him… before…” said suspicious sounding manager Mike Scoscia.

Albert Pujols

The Southwestern Angels of Orange County claim Pujols’ reunited with his twin and was amazed they had all the same interests, hit the exact same way and sounded exactly alike.  “It was truly amazing to meet him,” said Pujols.  “Would you guys like to speak with him? Let me go get him.”

Pujols then left to get Sal, who emerged twirling his mustache with a strange, Boston-sounding accent.  “I love this city!”

The two players will hit back to back in the lineup creating a dangerous one-two punch.  The Angelos Halos of This Here Earth are also lobbying for the use of “Ghost Runners,” usually reserved for 8 year olds who don’t have enough players.

Salbert Pujols

It is this reporters’ suspicion that Salbert is a fraud… BUT WHO?

FRED WILPON AGREES TO BECOME GHOST RIDER

Is he yelling or laughing? Either way: Hystorrifying.

Mets majority owner Fred Wilpon sold his soul to the Devil early this morning, agreeing to become the Ghost Rider in exchange for stability for his beloved (and financially dismal) franchise.  The Wilpons were famously fleeced by legendary scammer (and less than steller Poker player) Bernie Madoff, leaving the Mets franchise in a dire financial situation that is affecting the team on and off the field.

But Wilpon may have finally resolved the situation by going straight to Lucifer himself.  Rumors swirled early last week that Wilpon was speaking to the Devil, but only as a consultant or perhaps the two were possibly friendly as both are avid golfers.  However, the bombshell dropped that Wilpon will serve as the flaming skull Ghost Rider in order for Satan to go over the Mets financial records and act in an advisory fashion to GM Sandy Alderson.

“We’re very excited for the Dark Lord to return to a franchise that he made his home back in the ’80’s,” said Alderson.

Satan was thrilled to have Wilpon on his team: “We have a deal in place, but nothing is official until he passes a physical and the paperwork goes through the GM’s office.”  The deal is reportedly for eternity or damnation, whichever comes first for Wilpon, with an option for servitude as Grim Reaper in the last two billion years.

Wilpon putting on the uniform during his initial press conference. "Feels good," he growled.

It was an interesting free agency period for Lucifer as the Ghost Rider was a heavily coveted position: Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, former manager Tony La Russa and Satan’s good friend Jerry Jones all were interviewed.  But Wilpon’s wonderlic score and ceaseless desperation put him over the top.  Actor Nicolas Cage, who portrayed the Rider in two Hollywood films, reportedly met with Satan and lit his own head on fire to show his desire, but the two could not agree on terms.

“It’s definitely a good fit,” said Satan, “Now he just needs to perform on the field.”

THE MADNESS: NCAA RUNS OUT OF BRACKETS

The NCAA sold a record 16 million brackets Sunday night and immediately sold out.  No more brackets will be available after a monster selection Sunday.  Fans are outraged and dissapointed they won’t be able to get any more brackets and be forced to watch March Madness without it.

“I hit refresh and refresh right at midnight and they were gone,” said a Kentucky fan.  “Now how can I enjoy the games?  Have you seen college basketball? ALL THEY DO IS PASS!!”

Usually a few brackets appear on ebay, Craigslist or other sites, but selling brackets second hand is illegal.  The NCAA has cracked down on scalping brackets rather strictly.

Any fans’ best bet is to try and call a radio station; many stations buy hundreds of tickets beforehand and give them away in contests.

REPORTERS AGREE: SPRING TRAINING IS MEANINGLESS

It's like a hot high school girlfriend: looks nice, but in eventually won't matter

After a few weeks of intense reporting, speculation and scrutiny, the baseball media has agreed spring training is meaningless.  Rumors swirled earlier last off-season that spring training statistics and performance meant absolutely nothing with regards to a players’ in-season performance; but only recently has it been confirmed.  “We are stunned to believe the new results that spring training statistics and games are meaningless,” said Spring Traning Coordinator Newt Hammimngs.*  “We’re willing to appeal this decision and have our good name and reputation returned.”

*Not a type, this fictional man’s last name has three M’s in it.  

All the major media outlets have hordes of journalists working round the clock in Florida or Arizona to get catch and analyze every last useless detail.  It was SBNation editor Jeff Sullivan who discovered the void of meaning.  “It doesn’t really matter. So… talking about it is… a waste of time?”

Many are contending the results that their hard work, money, hotel rooms, constant typing could be in vain.  In fact, they all wrote 2,000 articles about it.  Lot of words.  About spring training.  And why it is… HAHAHA ANGRY BIRDS!!!

Spring Training contended the spring stats proving a breakout season for Brent Morel.  Yeah.  Sure Brent Morel.  Sure Spring Training.