DEATHROW INMATE TURNS DOWN BOBCATS OFFER

Deathrow inmate Jarrod Munch turned down an offer from the Charlotte Bobcats which would have taken him off the execution slab; but Munch reportedly refused despite the guaranteed $7 million a year for 8 years.  “The timing just wasn’t right,” said Munch, lying down calmly on the table as the doctor grabbed the alcohol swabs.  “I didn’t want to put myself in a bad situation.”

This was what you get when you google “Bobcats 2012 Highlights”

Insiders claim Munch would’ve signed anywhere else but the troubled bobcats.  Charlotte went through hoops just to speak with Munch, who’s been a star in the Louisiana Penal League, and Charlotte’s best chance at getting a college level athlete with high school ball handling skills.

PAT RILEY STILL SMILING LIKE A FUCKING ASSHOLE

A little under a month ago the Miami Heat won the NBA Title and team president Pat Riley is still smiling like a fucking asshole.   The slick haired former Showtime Lakers coach has been walking around Miami with a massive shit-eating grin that makes you want to kick his fucking teeth in; but Riley is not deterred.  “It’s just a great feeling,” understated the total toolbag in a clearly rehearsed speech.  “We all did it. We had a lot going against us but we triumphed.”

Riley has made sure to tip excessive amounts of money, drive with his convertible hoods down and high five random strangers, all smiling like he got free fucking ice cream.

Riley plans on forcing his clearly fake white teeth on every poor motherfucker within walking distance until the 2012-2013 season begins.  Sweet Christ…

POINT / COUNTERPOINT: DWIGHT HOWARD

Magic center Dwight Howard has been demanding trades, declining trades, having coaches fired, causing the Magic franchise hell for over a year now.

QUESTION:  Is Dwight Howard the legendary Heath Ledger character Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain or legendary Heath Ledger character The Joker from The Dark Knight?  Point / Counterpoint!

Dwight Howard is ENNIS DEL MAR.  

Are you our of your mind?  Slash open is face and you have the spitting image of a black Heath Ledger!

Calm down.  Let’s look at the facts: Dwight Howard and The Orlando Magic are in a tortuous emotional tussle…

Howard is putting that franchise in the grave using his emotional / intellectual instability: forcing insanity on your opponent? CLASSIC JOKER!

That’s Dwight Howard. LOOK AT THE SHOULDER MUSCLES!!

It is not torture!  Howard is also caught in this whirlwind of emotion.  He wants the Magic.  He cannot have the Magic.  

He Harvey Dent-ed Van Gundy so bad that I literally saw Stan shoot a homeless person last week. Journalist’s honor! 

Exactly! Journalist! Got to see it like a critic who’s experienced love!

I have plenty of ex-wives I know love and I know the bitter, mind-bending hatred one person can force when person A, The Joker Howard, forces person B, the BatMagic to become the ridiculed bad guy, alone in the dark waiting for Bane to brutalize his ass.  

Howard is in a trailer somewhere looking in a mirror holding a Magic jersey saying “Magic… I swear…” with just enough tear inducing beauty!  This was classic Greek tragedy from the start!  

We can both agree that Howard is an infection on those around him who poisons their lives due to his unruly nature and personal demons? 

Yes. 

And we can both agree that if you painted his face and put him in a purple suit you’d assume he has 16 knives and a rocket launcher in his pocket?

No one’s debating that…

Then it’s settled: The Joker.  

Jake Gyllenhaal as Stan Van Gundy

But we know where Dwight came from.  The Joker is merely a spectre of evil wrapped inside of a man.  An acknowledgement of his legendary status as an agent of chaos.  Whereas someone like…

Gilbert Arenas!

Has no origin to speak of.  The man came out of nowhere, destroyed a franchise.  He even got near Dwight with his magic tenure!

Possible romantic tryst, you’re suggesting?

I have sources. Journalist’s honor. 

Makes sense to me. Gilbert Arenas is Heath Ledger’s The Joker and Dwight Howard is his gay cowboy lover Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar.  

Sometimes you just got to get to the root of the problem. 

I’d still like to see his face slashed open…

What?

Just because this is awesome

SPURS WATCHED NBA FINALS “THE RIGHT WAY”

“Oh score! This is fun.”

The NBA season is over and the news-cycle is dominated by the draft and Olympic team; but let us not forget the best “team” this season, the San Antonio Spurs, who watched the NBA Finals the right way.   That’s right, unlike the Knicks, Lakers and attention starved Wizards, the pride of San Antonio watched the Finals with little fanfare.

Each teammate quietly gathered at Tim Duncan’s house or purchased a modest, mid-row seat that is not on center court.  That is why these Spurs are the real champs.  None of this loud LeBron look-at-me hoob-a-loo in press conferences; none of “Hollywood” Durant’s eye catching glasses; just plain, good old fashioned basketball watching.  Here me now fathers of America: make your kids watch how the Spurs watch basketball.  It’ll make them better watchers of basketball forever.

LEBRON’S A GOOD PERSON NOW!

NBA champion and overall great guy LeBron James is finally – FINALLY – a good person.  It took 7 years of worthless effort, hard work and a few public faux pas, but James finally turned a corner, overhauled his entire personality, accepted we were all right about him, and did what we wanted him to do: become a good person.

Coincidentally, James won his first NBA title last week, right before his transition into “good guyhood.”

While I have never met LeBron, or anyone who has met him,* but his body language the past few years was that of a cowardly, heartless, winningless character.  Putting it in zombie movie cliche terms, he was the soldier who who runs a small colony but his hubris gets in the way and the zombies eat him while the heroes sneak away.  Or in inner city family drama cliche terms, he’s the older brother who’s great but addicted to crack and lets the younger brother down, but might help the younger brother succeed (hence his fourth quarter failures.)**

*My cousin saw him in a mall once, he thinks.

**This also works for boxing movie cliche.  

I AM SO HAPPY I’LL EAT THIS MIC I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!

But now James language is of someone who did exactly what I always thought he should.  I am glad he did.  To be honest, I cannot believe I am not getting a ring.  I probably should as a team consultant or something.  This happened because of me.  I am important.

Teammate and fellow champ Chris Bosh, sadly, is still a GIF-able doushe.

In a surprising twist, recent events in Kevin Durant’s life make him seem so… unlikable.  Maybe he has no heart?  Flawed character?  Only time and Skip Bayless will tell.

CLEVELAND STORE HAS MASSIVE “GUN AND SINGLE BULLET” SALE

Local Cleveland store “Fiery Temper’s Fire Arms” is having a massive blowout sale in honor of tonight’s NBA Finals Gam 5.  With former Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James, aka the Cleveland Puppy Rapist,* one win away from winning his first NBA title, “Fiery Temper’s” is throwing a $20 gun with one bullet sale.

*Aka the Kennedy Assassin**

**Aka the Rush Kennedy Assassin (a local 95 year old lady who died of elevated heart rate).***

***Aka He Who Should Not Be Fuck Him I Hate Him

See that in his teeth? It’s Cleveland’s soul.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for all of Cleveland to prepare themselves and celebrate appropriately,” says “Fiery Temper’s” owner Eddie Abernathy.  “Fans can watch as the clock ticks closer and closer to James’ victory ready to do what is right: blow a fucking zip liner through our skulls.”

Abernathy says he has prepared for this day for years, but only recently realized all of Cleveland needs to feel this.  “I remember watching the end of Avengers when New York City was destroyed.  That’s what LeBron did to us.  Except he only attacked puppies.”*

*The Avengers sequence was filmed in Cleveland making this statement… not irony, not poetic justice… but tid bit worthy.  

All of Cleveland will be watching tonight gun and bullet in hand hoping Russell Westbrook or God does not let them down.  Abernathy wanted to stress how important this might be: “if LeBron wins, then all of Cleveland will die.  This city will be a ghost town.  And that’s something America cannot let happen.”

Sure.

The first picture I found of Cleveland

POPOVICH COACH OF THE YEAR

“Good lord none of them can hear me, I SAID REBOUND!”

Spurs coach Gregg Popovich was named Coach of the Year after taking an aging, bittle and horrible roster of ghoulish looking senior citizens to the playoffs.

“God they suck,” said analysts Jeff Van Gundy.  “They are the worst, best team I have ever seen,” mumbled Charles Barkely as he sat on a chair made of cheeseburgers.

Pops really brought this team together: every game he brought along a priest, Rabbi, Imam, Buddhist monks and 3 Wiccan priestesses.  Before each game all the ministers of their respective faiths went to elaborate lengths to beg their gods for mercy and to “just sneak away with a win.”

Turns out the gods were on Pops’ side all season.  When asked what most of gods said, Pops answered: “we will slowly destroy Stan Van Gundy.”

AMAR’E STOUDEMIRE BLEEDS ON FIRE

Amare’s Basbeball stitching tattoo

Knicks center / forward Amar’e Stoudemire injured his right hand in the locker room after punching glass in front of a fire extinguisher.  However, many players now defend Stoudemire’s life svaing decision: “There was a small fire near Carmelo‘s locker,” says defensive player of the year Tyson Chandler. “Amar’e is a smart guy: he knows the safest way to put out a fire is to slash open your hand and bleed on it.”

“Fire extinguishers are notoriously unreliable,” says head coach Mike Woodson.  “Good thing Amar’e took a few classes on fire safety: blood puts out fires.”

This is the second heroic incident Amar’e has pulled since arriving in New York.  Last season a little girl lost her cat in a tree.  Stoudemire arrived at the scene, immediately slashed open his hand and bled all over the little girl.  While the cat was never seen again, she never missed her cat again.

The armed services repeatedly asked Mr. Stoudemire to travel to Iraq and bleed on IED’s, but it would interfere with the regular season.

Stay a hero Amar’e.  Stay a hero.

The Amare we deserve, but not the one we need right now

Congratulations, Coach Summitt

Upon news of her pseudo-retirement, legendary Tennessee Lady Vols basketball coach Pat Summitt was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by the country’s First Bastketball Fan. Summitt’s impact on the game has been inestimable, and there’s really nothing to say other than: Congratulations Coach, and thanks for all you’ve done.

*Graph brought to you by Microsoft Paint™ and the We Don’t Know How Graphs Work, Co.