DESPITE SUPERBOWL COMMERCIAL, DETROIT STILL SUCKS

Christmas Day Parade in Detroit

Further analysis here.

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PACQUIAO – MARQUEZ III ENDS IN CONTROVERSIAL CLIFFHANGER

The International teaser poster

Fans were furious last night as the much-hyped boxing match between Manny Pacquiao and Juan Marquez ended in controversy. Millions gathered to watch the definitive end to the critically acclaimed, gritty trilogy only to be stunned when at the climax of the 12th round; with the fight about the end… it cut to black. Minutes later the lights turned on and all the fighters were gone; no winner was announced.

“We all thought the ring went out or something,” said ringside ticket holder Walter Corban. “But then nothing happened? No ending?” He was not the only one who was confused. “They were trying to be artsy!” yelled Anthony Teller. “Don’t give me that s***! They copped out and couldn’t think of a good way to finish what all these fans came to see.”

Pacquiao – Marquez 1 is considered one of the best fights of the decade and making boxing matches serious again. The fight brought back serious themes and character to the fight game. The sequel fared even better: “Pacquiao-Marquez II is the greatest boxing fight I have ever seen,” said fight critic Damian Wells. “As good as the fighting of the 70’s, which featured true¬†auteurs¬†in the ring and none of this studio interference.”

Many felt this fight could not live up to its predecessors; how many good third fights are there? But this certainly bucked the trend. Of course, up until the controversial “non”-ending.

“I thought it was brave and thought provoking,” said FIT art student Greg Stamos. But Greg sucks and is a f***ing idiot.

The last image before they cut to black

– Mike Sweeney

FLOYD MAYWEATHER SUCKER PUNCHES VALET; UNANIMOUS WINNER

It was exactly like this minus the gloves, ring, boxing and years of training by the opponent

In another display of championship power, Floyd Mayweather sucker punched an unsuspecting valet; he was declared unanimous winner by knockout.

Mayweather was spending a relaxing weekend in Las Vegas resort, when local valet, Alejandro “Oley!” Dominguez, weighing in at 168 lbs, held the door for the exiting champion. As Oley hailed down Mayweather’s car, Mayweather got into his trademark low, high fist position. Oley turned around a CLOCK! Mayweather floored the unsuspecting valet with a barrage of punched, ending with a destructive, jaw-shattering left hook. Classic Mayweather!

The valet lie on the ground for a few moments as many onlookers stood in suspense and screamed for an ambulance. After a solid 4 seconds, a passing referee called the fight: Mayweather wins again!

Many critics claim the punch was illegal, as the two men were merely passing each other in the street and one was not even a boxer; others say Mayweather was leading the fight the whole time and would have won via points even without the knockout.

Related: ESPN expert analysis on Mayweather’s punch.

– Mike Sweeney