JAGS OWNER: I’M NOT GENE SHALIT

I'm the real Khan!

At a press conference this morning, Jaguar’s owner Shahid Khan became enraged when a third member of the media asked him for his take on the new movie “Joyful Noise”.  “Stop asking me for movie reviews, God damn it!  For the last time, THAT’S Gene Shalit; I’M Shahid Khan.  I own the Jaguars; I don’t even like movies!” explained Khan, “I will be happy to answer anyone who has any questions regarding our upcoming off season or anything else NFL related.  Anyone with movie questions, please leave immediately!”  The press conference promptly ended after the statement.  “I find it extremely rude that ‘Mr. Kahn’ didn’t take my question seriously,”  said Brian Stenson, the media personnel that prompted the outburst, “I know he retired from The Today Show 2 years ago, but I don’t think it was out of line to ask his opinion.  The guy couldn’t have been a bigger jerk about it.”

Khan, who became majority owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars on January 4th, has had a rough start with the Jaguar’s fan base in his early tenure.  Last Thursday, Mr. Khan stated that a true fan of the team was “a Jaguar’s season ticket holder“.  The Jaguar’s were 24th in attendance for the 2011 NFL season, a statistic that is shocking considering that they were 5-11 and had Blaine Gabbert as their Quarterback.  This most recent episode brings another black eye to a franchise who is trying to rebuild and change it’s image.

Don't Listen to Him! FOR I AM THE REAL KHAN!!

“I’m not in the position to comment on Mr. Khan’s comments earlier this morning,” said Jaguar’s GM Gene Smith, “I can comment on ‘Joyful Noise’.  I thought it had great story-telling and was a lot of fun!  I went into it thinking ‘Now what on God’s green earth could Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton have in common?’ and came out realizing a lot about myself as a person.  It’s not about our race or culture; it’s about our community, family, and the magic of music bringing together people of all backgrounds!  If I were coach, game film gets replaced by this and every other Queen Latifah movie.”  Jaguar’s Head Coach Mike Mularkey could not be reached for comment.

“Mr. Khan is a great businessman and will be a great owner in this league,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, “We’ll probably fine him $50k for his comments and $200k for Mr. Smith’s action of actually going to see ‘Joyful Noise’.  I’m also going to try to fine everyone who acted or worked on that sad excuse of a movie.  I’m then going to take the money collected from all the individuals and produce ‘Marmaduke 2: Bark in the Saddle’.  James Harrison will play the voice of the villain, Professor Pussycat.  He will be fined for his role in trying to bring down Marmaduke‘s hilarious adventure to Sea World.  It will be a delightful romp.”

HARBAUGH’S CHOICE

In what is being heralded as one of the funniest things to happen to the professional football world in a long time, brothers Jim and John Harbaugh are dangerously close to forcing their parents to make a tough decision this weekend. Both son’s professional football teams are in their respective divisional Championship games.
“It will probably come down to who we like the most. John’s the funnier of the two, but he’s spent the last three Christmases and Thanksgivings at his wife’s side of the family. And Jim is probably the more talented, but once stole the keys to my 1973 Impala, and went joy riding with a buncha his highschool teammates. That still chaps my ass,” said the legendary father of two potential hall of fame athletes.
“Honestly, it’ll be a last minute decision–a hail mary, if you will!” chimed in Jackie, his supportive wife of over 50 years.
“Good one, dear!” shot back the senior Harbaugh.
Not everyone is amused with the pending decision, though. The Harbaughs’ next door neighbor, Anna Paley, recently expressed her thoughts on the matter at favorite Harbaugh family haunt Pete’s Diner, to anyone within earshot.
“Oh, how precious for them. Two wildly successful offspring. What to do, what to do? When they make a decision, let me know, will ya? They can help me figure out if I should pick up my kid who just got early parole, or clock in for my night shift at the factory,” said the poor tipper, with the unkempt lawn.

RYAN TWINS FIGHT; FEAR CLONING

Talk about family feud. During a pre-season matchup between the New York Jets and Dallas Cowboys, Jets head coach Rex Ryan assaulted Cowboys defensive coordinator and brother Rob Ryan fearing he was a clone. Rex claims he saw Rob coming and “knew in my bones he was a d***bag clone!” Rex threw a water bottle at Rob and the two continued to roll around the floor urging reporters to “shoot the other one! He’s the fake!”

Can They Both Be The Evil Twin?

The situation was resolved once both participated in the mirror test and were able to independently control their actions. This has been the first such cloning argument since the completion of the lockout.

– Mike Sweeney