THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

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POINT / COUNTERPOINT: DWIGHT HOWARD

Magic center Dwight Howard has been demanding trades, declining trades, having coaches fired, causing the Magic franchise hell for over a year now.

QUESTION:  Is Dwight Howard the legendary Heath Ledger character Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain or legendary Heath Ledger character The Joker from The Dark Knight?  Point / Counterpoint!

Dwight Howard is ENNIS DEL MAR.  

Are you our of your mind?  Slash open is face and you have the spitting image of a black Heath Ledger!

Calm down.  Let’s look at the facts: Dwight Howard and The Orlando Magic are in a tortuous emotional tussle…

Howard is putting that franchise in the grave using his emotional / intellectual instability: forcing insanity on your opponent? CLASSIC JOKER!

That’s Dwight Howard. LOOK AT THE SHOULDER MUSCLES!!

It is not torture!  Howard is also caught in this whirlwind of emotion.  He wants the Magic.  He cannot have the Magic.  

He Harvey Dent-ed Van Gundy so bad that I literally saw Stan shoot a homeless person last week. Journalist’s honor! 

Exactly! Journalist! Got to see it like a critic who’s experienced love!

I have plenty of ex-wives I know love and I know the bitter, mind-bending hatred one person can force when person A, The Joker Howard, forces person B, the BatMagic to become the ridiculed bad guy, alone in the dark waiting for Bane to brutalize his ass.  

Howard is in a trailer somewhere looking in a mirror holding a Magic jersey saying “Magic… I swear…” with just enough tear inducing beauty!  This was classic Greek tragedy from the start!  

We can both agree that Howard is an infection on those around him who poisons their lives due to his unruly nature and personal demons? 

Yes. 

And we can both agree that if you painted his face and put him in a purple suit you’d assume he has 16 knives and a rocket launcher in his pocket?

No one’s debating that…

Then it’s settled: The Joker.  

Jake Gyllenhaal as Stan Van Gundy

But we know where Dwight came from.  The Joker is merely a spectre of evil wrapped inside of a man.  An acknowledgement of his legendary status as an agent of chaos.  Whereas someone like…

Gilbert Arenas!

Has no origin to speak of.  The man came out of nowhere, destroyed a franchise.  He even got near Dwight with his magic tenure!

Possible romantic tryst, you’re suggesting?

I have sources. Journalist’s honor. 

Makes sense to me. Gilbert Arenas is Heath Ledger’s The Joker and Dwight Howard is his gay cowboy lover Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar.  

Sometimes you just got to get to the root of the problem. 

I’d still like to see his face slashed open…

What?

Just because this is awesome

TERRELL SUGGS AND BOUNTY HITS, OCEAN’S 11 STYLE

Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs claims “all teams put bounties on guys, we put out hits, jobs…. a heist, if you will.”  The aggressive defender claims the Ravens go through extensive measures to make sure they get their target during the game.  Suggs adjusted his suit, tie, fedora and claimed he “might” just have another job sometime this week.

“Where you think you’re going?”  said an angry NFL official.

Suggs turned and smile: “Getting the band back together.”

THE HACKER

Ed Reed: The Hacker

Suggs arrived at safety Ed Reed’s house first.  Reed’s known by fans for his physicality, but on the field, he’s a calculating maniac.

Reed: “I thought you were out of the game? Going clean.”

Suggs: “Can’t stay out for too long, the job passes you by.”

They toast and Suggs proposed the mission: a full on hit and heist on Super Bowl winning quarterback Eli Manning.

Reed: “Must be true what they say, you have gone nuts.”

Suggs: “That mean you in?”

Reed: “I’ll get my helmet.”

THE BRUISER

Haloi Ngata: The Brusier

Suggs and Reed entered a crowded casino where Haloti Ngata sat in a Hawaiin t-shirt playing blackjack.

Suggs: “still counting cards I see.”

Ngata: “I don’t know what you’re… Hey! TS! When you get out of Goodell’s shit house?”

Suggs: “As far as he’s concerned I’m still there.”

Ngata: “did the ol’ James Harrison Mop Job, eh? Classic.”

Suggs: “We’re pulling a hit. We need a bruiser.”

Ngata: “A bruiser? Going old school, eh. Classic TS.”

Reed: “You in? Or you too busy with your cards?”

Ngata: “Who’s the kid?”

Suggs: “He’s with me.”

Ngata, holding a King, slips his card over: ACE.  Blackjack.

Ngata: “looks like I’m done here.”

THE VETERAN

Ray Lewis: The Veteran

Suggs, alone now, enters Ray Lewis‘ house.

Lewis: “I know what you’re gonna say.  Answer’s no.”

Suggs: “Come on Ray, we been through a lot.”

Lewis: “I’m too old for this shit!  My body.. it ain’t what it was.”

Suggs: “One last job. For me.”

Suggs hands Lewis a spit covered mouthguard.  Lewis puts it in.

Lewis: “whet’s schoo it.”

The four players all entered the stadium wearing suits, ties and fedoras.

Suggs: “let’s do it.”

PART 11 TOMORROW: THE HEIST!

OMAR LITTLE SENT TO FIND SAINTS’ ‘SNITCH’

The New Orleans Saints have contracted local badass Omar Little to find out who snitched on their bounty program.  Little, a man known for getting answers and carrying a shotgun, has worked with many franchises before for internal investigations.  “We are currently trying to find answers on our end,” said Saints coach Sean Payton.  “We believed Mr. Little can provide a valuable service.  His reputation speaks for itself with his involvement taking down the Barksdale organization, a substantial service taking down the Stanfield organization, obliterating the Wilson organ…” “I ain’t had nothing to do with that,” interrupted Little.  Payton, and everyone, stared at Omar confused and concerned.

“Continue.”

"Jonathan Vilma? We need to have a little talking to."

An NFL investigation alleges the Saints were involved in a bounty program; financial rewards were given to defensive players who hurt opposing players, including possibly ending the careers of Kurt Warner and the first ever Tebow, Brett Favre.  Little has been seen whistling through the Saints facilities searching for those who may have ‘snitched’ on the organization.  He allegedly snuck into the locker room dressed as a janitor, revealing the mop to be a shotgun and demanded answers from several special teams members.

Allegedly.*

*Unrelated: Saints special teams player Byron Tate was recently shot in the leg in the team’s locker room.  

Little refused to disclose whether or not he had any answers or leads; he just stared at me.  Right in the eyes.  I peed… I urinated my pants when he looked at me…

The NFL has no problem with Little surveying the team, so long as he does not interfere with their own investigation.  Last time and NFL squad contacted Omar Little several Seattle Seahawks were involved in severe bribary scandals.*

*Never heard about that did you?  Oh, indeed.

Little wanted it to be known that his investigation will not be called “Omargate.”  When he decides on an appropriate suffix he will find us… who’s whistling?

DONALD STERLING PROVES YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL

High in the Staples Center is a corner box drenched in shadow; so dark even the most diehard fans do not know it exists.  The black hole of the stadium.

Far below the LA Clippers play.  Chris Paul drives the lane before dumping off an alley-oop pass to Blake Griffin.

The crowd cheers.  From the dark black hole someone laughs…

Sterling's Christmas photo. Quite conservative this year.

THE MAN

Donald Sterling is proving this season that you can have it all.  Once seen as the kooky old nut of LA’s number two basketball team, Sterling has turned his demonic frown all the way into a despondent scowl.

As recently as a year ago Sterling was seen by many fans as an owner who did not care; an owner who’s willing to sit on his laurels; an owner willing to let the team suffer so long as he profited; an owner who’s racism was between excessive and borderline illogical; an owner / real estate mogul who refused to rent houses to Hispanics because they “smoke, drink and just hang around the building;” an owner who was sued by the US Department of Justice in 2009; an owner who refused to pay for Kim Hughes’ cancer treatment.

But Satanic spirits close to Sterling say that is “all part of his charm.”

While conjuring up a combination of AIDS and cancer, three blind old witches of fate swore their weekly meeting with Sterling was filled with humor.  “He always puts a smile to our faces,” cracks Two, the second child of The Vaunted Triplets of Fate.  “He always comes with a snack to sacrifice.  When he meets us, it is not for fun, it’s because he wants to.  It’s about the ‘human’ connection.”

3 was actually his prom date #awkward

SEASON IN JEOPARDY

From the get go the 2011-2012 season looked like a long shot; not if Sterling had anything to say about it.  During the tense lockout negotiations, Sterling ordered numerous kitten to be strangled as a sacrifice to RANCLAR, God of Death and Shadow.  Sterling’s outrageous acts even stunned Metta World Peace, nee Ron Artest.  “I wouldn’t want to be left alone in a room with that man,” said Ron Ron.  Yes.  Ron Artest is intimidated by Donald Sterling.

The sacrifices finally paid off and 2011 basketball happened just in time: Sterling was willing to move from kittens to small infants.  “I have no doubt in my mind if we didn’t sign a deal Donald Sterling would’ve stabbed a baby in front of us,” said player’s rep Derek Fisher, covered in sweat.  That is the type of negotiating skill that kept both parties at the table.  In fact, even controversial Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert admitted “neither side dared to leave that room if Sterling was in there with a baby and any sot of blunt object.  Even a stack of papers. We’re NBA owners, sure we’re monsters. But not baby millers. That’s… something else.”

“That’s how much that man loves ball,” says longtime assistant Wormtail. “He will kill kids.  How many?  Irrelevant question.”

Longtime assistant Wormtail beat out 665 applicants for the job

Now the Clippers sit at 11-6 and are considered LA’s premier team.  Sterling has finally turned his laughingstock into the toast of the town: could not have happened to more a maniacal despot.

PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE

Staring into the dark abyss that is Sterling’s cavernous hole gives the semblance that he has not had “fun” in quite some time.

Sure he hasn’t.

Sterling’s been even more prevalent in the community this year from buying out an entire’s store’s worth of lottery tickets so others cannot have any to drawing pictures of average citizens with Glasgow smiles on their faces, everyone knows Sterling loves to laugh.

Sterling's breakfast

Oh how he loves to maniacally laugh.

“Sometimes we’ll be exiting the stadium and he’ll just cackle,” said a chuckling Wormtail. “It’s almost like he knew something just happened to someone.  I don’t know, but he has his weird sixth sense about… things… happening to other people.”  Wormtail added Sterling will randomly rub his fingers together saying “yes…yes…” when not even prompted.  Something even Wormtail admits is “claustrophobia-inspiring.”

SMOOTH SAILING HERE ON OUT

2012 might be the end of the world, but it’s all good for Sterling.  He relaxes on his yacht, Goebels II (Goebels I having the attack guns repaired) and drinks it all in.

“I’ve come very far,” wrote Sterling, his voice unfit fo the human ear to process.  “So I think I’ll just bask in the moon light a little bit more.  The sun is rather harsh, but it will pay one day… one day…” and even wrote that he was maniacally laughing and rubbing his fingers together prompting members of This Is The Sports to wonder why the room was so small.

Sometimes it takes ruthless villainly for a born bastard to be able to sit back, relax and watch people die of horrific diseases he helped invent in a secret lab run by the Ghost of Hitler.  And Donald Sterling is just the man for the job.  Smiling the entire time.

Google "Donald Sterling Smiling" and this is the only one of those jpegs that the average human can process

COUGHLIN TO RYAN: STOP THE PRANK CALLS

The Battle for New York City took another surprising twist yesterday with a plea from Giants’ Head Coach Tom Coughlin.  “I want to take care of a personal matter at this time before I answer any questions about the upcoming game.  Rex, please stop prank calling me and my assistant coaches.  We know it’s you and frankly, it’s extremely childish.”  When asked to clarify about the phone calls, “He’s calling us pretending to be all sorts of characters from Brady to my Mother.  He uses the same voice every-time and doesn’t try to disguise it.  Once was in all good fun; now it’s just harassment.”

The Jets denied any wrong doing, saying that the phone calls occurred on a private residence.  “We are doing an internal investigation right now and will not accuse anyone at this time,” Jets’ owner Woody Johnson said when asked about Coach Ryan’s actions, “Rex has been known to prank call people in the past, but there was never malicious intent.  We will stand by our Head Coach until we have all the facts of the case.”  Sources inside the Jets organization have hinted that this episode was brought on by the Giants recent win in the NFC Championship game.  Coach Rex Ryan had invited some players over to watch the contest.  Alcohol and illicit drugs have not been ruled out as a contributing factor.

Below is a transcript of one of the prank calls received by Coach Couglin.  The following contains graphic language:

2:37 AM

Tom Coughlin: Hello?

Caller #1: (Yelling) HEY FAGGOT!  It’s Bill!

TC:  Bill?  Wait, Bill Belichick?

1: Of course, who’d ya think?  Congrats on beating the red team.

TC: Oh the Niners?  Yeah, they were a great team and I think our guys really showed…

1: Yeah yeah yeah, shut up.  I’m going to beat you in the superbowl, ball face!  Get it?  Your face looks like a pair of balls!

Caller #2: (Background) No No!  Tell him you’ll put your balls on his face.

1: (Background) Shut up, I got this, Mark!

TC: Am I on Speaker?  Is there someone else on the line?

1: O shit, um yeah!  Of course, Brady is hear with me.  We like kissing each other (Laughter)

TC: O Ok…?

2: And we like touching butts.

1:  (Laughter) Yeah, I forgot about that.  We touch our butts together all the time.  And watch “Twilight” movies.

2: (Snorts something) Holy Shit!  That’s so gay!  Brady and Belichick are gay!  Why would they do that?

TC: Ok, well I’m going to go now.  I have to watch film…

1: Wait, quick question-

(Click)

Gun to my head, I totally would.

2:51 AM

TC: Hello?

1: It’s gay Bill again!  I said I had a question!

TC: I don’t think this is Bill-

1: Shut up.  Marry Fuck Kill- Gandalf, Mr. Miyagi, Obi-Wan Kenobi.  GO!

TC: Wait what the Hell?!

1: Don’t think, just answer!

2: Rex, he knows!  Hang up!

TC: Wait, Rex!?  Is that you?!  Cut this out NOW!

1: If you don’t marry Gandalf, you’re a faggot!

(Click)

Aww, what are you gonna cry, Baby? Cry for me, Baby, CRY!

3:26 AM

TC: Rex, I swear to God I’ll go public with this.

1: You’re so old.  You’re going to die soon!

TC: Don’t say that.

1: You probably smell old.  Old, smelly, sooner dead guy!

TC: I’m hanging up, Rex.

1: FUCK!  I just want to win a Superbowl.  Fucking people are making fun of me.  You’re making fun of me.

TC: I’m not making fun of you, Rex.

1: Yes you are!  You and everyone else is being mean and I hate it.  It’s not my fault; It’s the offense.  Sanchez, Schottenheimer, Burress.  I hate them all!

TC: Hey, come on now, cut that out.  We’re not all being mean to you.

1: (Sobbing and snorting) I don’t want to be couch anymore…Sancehz is a poop head.

TC: Stop that.  Come on, Rex.  Listen, I promise I’ll defend you and the Jets if you please stop calling me tonight.

1: You…You would do that?

TC: I promise.

1: Wow…thanks Tom.  You know what I just realized?

TC: What’s that?

1: You probably can’t have sex because your dick is so old and wrinkly.

TC: You’re an asshole.

1: Old Dick! Old Dick! Old Dick!

(Click)