THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

PACMAN JONES PLANNED ON “PISSING AWAY” HIS $11.6 MILLION

MAKE IT RAAAAAAIIIN!!

A judge ordered Pacman Jones to pay $11.6 million to two Las Vegas strip club employees whom were injured in 2007 when a gunmen opened fire claiming to do Jones’ bidding.  Jones and his attorney were furious at the ruling as it completely spoils Pacman’s desire to “piss it all away.”

Pacman pulled out an 8’x9′ calendar made of silver, which he carries at all times, revealing his weekly plans: light his Mercedes on fire, buy a new one, cover it in turkey grease, invent 8 distinct time machines, throw a party in which everyone must dress in a full suit of armor.  That’s only Monday.

Pacman lives a very expensive lifestyle, so this money might be hard for him to come by.  The former Titan says he’s hoping to get a larger contract this season, do some garage wrestling on the side and rob some liquor stores.

Pacman Jones in the court house.

Nike unveils daring new soccer jerseys

BEAVERTON, OR. —

In what people inside of Nike headquarters are hailing as one of the most bold fashion moves of all time, Nike design engineers revealed their newest jersey  for the men’s and women’s national soccer teams.

Representatives from the National teams in their new, controversially striped kits.

During a recent, Nike-sponsored press conference held at Nike’s Beaverton compound, the haggard but triumphant design team responsible for coming up with the idea to put stripes on a jersey discussed the revamp with Nike’s in-house press corps.

“We spent months trying to capture the essence of the national teams, and then molding their essences–essensi? I’m never sure–into one comprehensively stunning kit,” said design director Thomas Walker.

In the early days of the project, Nike’s creative braintrust reached out to members of each of the national teams, asking them to free-associate words that describe their respective squads.

According to Walker, responses from the USWNT and USMNT varied from “assertive,” “respected,” and “good,” to “frustrated,” “under-appreciated,” and “trying hard.” (Responses were submitted anonymously, so there’s no way to tell which descriptors came from which team.)

“People said we couldn’t do it–said America wasn’t ready for stripes–but we went with our gut, and I couldn’t be prouder,” continued Walker.

“I’m gonna piggy-back onto what Thomas just said, and remind everyone gathered here that when we started this project, all we had was a blank canvas, and our imaginations. Now look at us!” Shouted Rory O’Reilly to a room full of his Dry-Fitted co-workers.

Other designers described the process as one that required much personal sacrifice.

“I didn’t see my kids for weeks. The youngest boy thinks I’m his uncle,” chimed in team member Scott Albright.

“My marriage fell apart; I was served with divorce papers during a three minute mandatory hydration break,” said team member Jeremy Trine.  “But ask me if it was worth it. Seriously. Will someone please ask me? No? Okay. Well, the answer was going to be, ‘We fell out of love years ago. Right around the time of the equally groundbreaking Oregon Ducks redesign. After that project, I could basically write my own ticket.’ I’m sorry. What were we talking about?”

Nike representatives, eager to gauge the public’s response to the newly outfitted soccer stars, asked fans at a recent friendly at PPL Park between the US Women’s National Team and China what they thought.

“The stripes? Yeah, they’re okay, I guess,” answered father of four Don Albright (no relation to Scott). “Can I go back and watch the game with my kids now?”

Outside the stadium, though, Nike canvassers got more of the controversial blow-black all real artists look for.

“Americans don’t wear stripes! Stripes are flip-floppy. Solids show that we commit,” said one wild-eyed gentleman standing at a nearby bustop. “Just look at them running around,” he said, pointing to a program for that day’s game that had blown out onto the sidewalk. “They look like they’re about to take a leisurely ride down the Riviera.”

For more on people trying to come up with as many things as possible to say about stripes, please see this little video.

 

RIP JUNIOR SEAU

Last week Junior Seau was found dead three hours after the NFL announced a brilliant initiative in player safety.  Seau, 43, was found in his home from what police are ruling a suicide.  In an effort to save its players from the punishing effects of concussions, the NFL banned 4 Saints (one now a former Saint) players for multiple games for their role in the bounty scandal, reminding everyone that player safety is their number one concern.

Ray Easterling, 62, shot himself on April 21st after suffering from post-concussion effects for years;  he was a key witness in the class action lawsuit against the NFL regarding post-concussion effects and retired player compensation.  Does the NFL now lessen the credibility of Easterling by saying he had “money problems” or other reasons to be depressed?  Is his death great for the lawsuit in that it attracts sympathy?  People dying is now PR fuel for each side.

I have no idea why Seau ended his life.  Some question whether his 2010 car accident was indeed a suicide attempt.  For all I know, the gun firing could have been an accident (it has officially been ruled a suicide).  But a relatively young, recently retired 43 year old with young kids and a Hall of Fame pedigree died, not some 85 year old man.

The Commissioner’s office really needs to start wondering what happens if / when high profile bodies start piling up.  What will the NFL’s reponse be if Brett Favre commits suicide?  Tom Brady?  Peyton Manning?  Are they famous enough for the public to turn on the league and pressure them?   It is a war of PR and public opinion and right now the NFL is winning by suspending players in the name of player safety for doing something in 2009 (!!!!) that many other teams admit to doing meanwhile they are in a lawsuit trying to avoid paying injured veterans suffering from post-concussion effects.  Do the players need someone like Peyton Manning, charismatic and funny, to be as brittle as Muhammed Ali by age 45?

I played sports.  Okay, I tried to.  And even in high school I had coaches repeatedly tell me to “kill someone” if he comes across the middle.  “Knock him the fuck out.”  It’s sports.  It’s our national “who’s got a bigger dick” competition.  If someone offered me ten grand to knock out someone I would take probably too long considering it.  Why?  BECAUSE I COULD REALLY USE TEN GRAND!  I don’t think the average NFL player, who only gets paid during the season, so he is flush with cash at the moment, thinks “hm… ten grand?  That’ll make me hit harder than my 250 body that runs 40 in 4.5 seconds already does.”

These guys are behemoths.  They always, always, always, hit hard.

Who is the most violent hitter in the NFL off the top of your head?  Me: Troy Polamalu.  That guy is a wrecking machine.

Know what?  He seems like the nicest man in the world.  I doubt the Steelers have a bounty on their sidelines, but Polamalu sure looks like he is crippling some people.  Should he be suspended? He is hurting people and getting paid for it… BY THE NFL (M. Night Shyamalan twist)!!

Gambling should be punished.  Players should be suspended for gambling in the locker room, etc.  It is a league, corporate facility and they should not be throwing cash around.  Furthermore, the extreme organization in the Saints’ bounty scandal is odd.  But we cannot assume if the Saints were not betting on the sidelines then 40 year Brett Favre would not get hurt.  Maybe he got hurt BECAUSE HE WAS 40 YEARS OLD.

It is a shame that billionaire owners making billions in the biggest money making machine in the United States (soon we’ll all have NFL faces on our money) cannot shell out more for veterans who bring people into their stadiums, pay $15 to park, eat $9 hot dogs and drink two or three $11 beers.  They don’t have to, the NFL is winning the PR war: most people I run into on the street really think the Saints players should be banned.  Is this because they thought about it?  Or because ESPN, the NFL’s PR network, says so? *

*A long, angry post about how ESPN is the sports-world’s FOX NEWS is coming one of these days. 

I’m watching Outside the Lines right now as they discuss the concussion “crisis.”  Know what?  It was ESPN that was outraged one weekend last season when numerous players were knocked out with big hits.  “Suspend guys!” ESPN writers and analysts screamed; NFL complied.  If ESPN wants to pressure the NFL to take care of these guys, they can.  But then the NFL might get mad at them and Monday Night Football would go to NFL Network.

A friend mentioned “these guys all waste their money too. They are forced to retire at 30, then piss away all their money, of course they are depressed.”  If this is true (not saying it is) shouldn’t the NFL help them?  Shouldn’t the NFL (and Player’s Union) aid players going through this, or at least make an active effort.

That is what makes this hard for me: so many people blame the players. “It’s a violent game.” “They wasted their money, know how much I make?” “Guys are thugs.”  Sure concussions and injuries are occupational hazards, but so is the generator we are using on our production set; if that explodes shattering half my face, is it a “violent job?” Did I “waste my money?” “Am I “a thug?”  No.  I was doing my job.  I got hurt.  Not my fault.

It is hard to sympathize with athletes; I rarely do.  They make lots of money doing things we loved doing as kids.  They are living the dream.  But how do you sympathize with billionaires?  I cannot stress this enough: billionaires who refuse to increase the post-career benefits to guys who struggle to remember their kids names; guys who gets migraines from sunlight; guys who constantly took one year contracts for the league minimum just to stick around; guys who said they were fine because the team needed a big stop; guys who said they were fine because if they got cut they’d lose their house.  It is almost cartoonish.

We refuse to vote for presidential nominees if they seem “too rich” but we side with NFL owners against the people who make them richer?  When a player ends his life we think “yeah it happens” rather than “was anyone helping him?”

Maybe the league thinks since retirees are no longer NFL players they are not worth their time.

Go Saints.

TEBOW, JETS, REX, FEET, SANCHIZE….

Tim Tebow’s trade to the Jets, Sexy Rexy Ryan’s locker room rounded shit show, has created too much.  It is almost a gift from the comedy gods.  Or a curse.  It literally makes no football sense.  It makes only media circus sense.  Everyone hates him.  Everyone loves him.  We could not figure out how to cover this… so here’s our attempt:

REX RYAN NAMES EVERY WILDCAT PLAY AFTER PORN STARS

TEBOW BEGS REX RYAN TO STOP LICKING HIM

JETS HOPE TEBOW CAN MOTIVATE SANCHEZ TO COMPLETE 40% OF HIS PASSES

SANCHEZ RELIEVED TO KNOW BACKUP QB IS “DEFINITELY WORSE THAN ME”

JETS CUT EVERY RECEIVER

NEW YORK MEDIA GIVES UP ON SOURCES, WILL WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT

JETS EXPECT PUNTING, LOTS OF PUNTING

UUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

TEBOW MEETS JETS FANS, GIVES UP ON RELIGION

REX RYAN FORCES TEBOW TO WATCH GAME OF THRONES

NEW YORK MEDIA FIRST TO EVER HAVE SEX WITH TEBOW

TEBOW KEEPS WINKING AND SMILING, REPULSING JETS FANS

REX RYAN GOES TO TEBOW’S CHARITY EVENT “TO GET PUSSY”

TEBOW REPLACES SANCHEZ AS NEW YORK’S WORST PASSER AND ELI AS DUMBEST GUY WHO ALWAYS SMILES

NFL GETS DRUNK, SHOWS UP AT SAINTS’ TO “PARTY”

The NFL showed up in New Orleans extremely intoxicated late last night looking for a “fun time” with former flame the New Orleans Saints.  However, the Saints were not having it.  The two were formerly a hot item as recently as 2010 when the two had a steamy relationship starting the night of the Super Bowl.  Recently, the two have not been friendly.

Yeah, they totally banged.

Sources say ever since the bounty scandal the two have not spoken, even though the NFL has texted the Saints numerous times.  The NFL has recently asked LSU for some advice, but they sided with their close friend.

Still begging for the Saints love, the league got hammered in the city and showed up at the Superdome at 4:37 am, screaming for the Saints to come out.  The franchise reluctantly opened the door, only once the NFL broke down into tears begging for forgiveness.  Once inside, the Saints cracked open a bottle of wine and the two talked about Brees, bounties, Sean Payton and even a little bit about coach Bill Parcells.

The Saints, admittedly against better judgement, downed the drin and had one last go with the league; “one for the road” so to speak.

The NFL could be seen drunkenly stumbling out of the stadium early in the morning.  The Saints would not comment and said they are “fully committed to themselves right now.”

DOLPHINS FREE AGENCY FAILURES INSPIRE “THIS IS THE SPORTS” WRITER TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE; WRITER ALSO FAILS

Following a Dolphins free agency debacle that could only be described as “analogous to skipping through Sanford in a black hoodie,”  This is the Sports contributor and Miami Dolphins supporter Rony Josaphat tried to end his life on Saturday.  However he, like Miami GM Jeff Ireland, completely failed in achieving his one simple goal.  Of course in this case, the goal wasn’t simply making an underachieving team better, but making his own life worse, by ending it.

Diary entries, corroborated by statements from hospital staff, show that Mr. Josaphat first tried to end his life by “trading away a vital organ,” much like the Fins traded away big-play receiver Brandon Marshall.  After doctors refused to take his heart, pancreas, spleen, or lungs, Mr. Josaphat finally convinced the medical staff to let him part with one of his kidneys.  The medical staff, however, neglected to tell Josaphat that although the kidney is indeed a vital organ, a full life can be lived with only one of the two all humans are born with.  Thus, while Josaphat was discharged fully expecting to drop dead in minutes, he was halfway into his third Whopper Jr.(TM) at the Burger King next door before realizing that he wasn’t as dead as he’d like to be and had, in fact, enriched his life with the notion that he has saved another.  “This,” he was overheard to have said, “must be what Jeff Ireland feels like after his stupidity resulted in a giveaway that did the opposite of what he wanted.”

 

Yay empathy!

Later, according to police reports, Mr. Josaphat decided to end his life by spear-fishing in shark-infested waters off the coast of Australia.  Josaphat, according to friends, cannot swim, and would rightly meet his end if confronted with an unfavorable situation underwater.  Surely enough, he took the plunge and, after about a half-hour of being out of sight of dive master John Purvis, Josaphat was buoyed back to the boat in the middle of a pod of bottlenose dolphins, with his arms full of tasty fish.

“He was clearly frustrated,” Purvis said; “he told me that the dolphins kept him from drowning, kept the sharks away and steered all the fattest fish toward him.  He said that this must be how Jeff Ireland felt when he dove into the race to woo Peyton Manning and failed spectacularly as well.”  But instead of failing to get a big fish because superior competition ate him alive, Josaphat’s diary elucidates, “I failed to get the superior competition to eat me alive, and instead ended up with all those big fish.”

Finally, Josaphat decided to study up on poisonous foliage native to his current surroundings in Southern California.  According to rangers at Topanga Canyon Park, he scoured the mountain paths for hours, looking for dangerous berries.  As the sun set and visibility diminished, he decided to grab a fistful of whatever he came upon, and ate it.  Much to his chagrin, the berries he ate were toxic, but not life-threatening. After a couple days of convulsions and explosive diarrhea, Josaphat would recover.  “This,” he allegedly whispered to a park ranger, “must be how Jeff Ireland felt like when he tried to get Matt Flynn after losing Peyton Manning, but ended up with David Garrard. Like, ‘nice try, but you’re still a failure and a loser and you suck at life.'”

 

 

–Rony Josaphat, who was forced to write this article with a dull crayon as neither sharp objects nor electricity is allowed at his current location. 

PEYTON MANNING MEDICALLY CLEARED FOR BEST BUY ADS

Peyton Manning has been medically cleared to perform in Best Buy commercials in 2012.

Manning has had numerous surgeries the past 12 months including as recently as September.  The hall of fame spokesman and SNL host’s commercial career has been jeopardized by the surgery as he missed the entire Fall 2012 audition season; Best Buy president showed concern over Manning’s ability to continue.  “Sure he’s healthy, but we won’t know if he can perform until we start rolling.”

Many speculated Manning would be released from his contract in favor of a much younger, developing sales person, such as Jonah Hill, fresh off an Oscar nod.  We won’t truly know how healthy Manning is until he looks us in the eye, smiles and convinces us Best Buy is the place for tablet computers.

MANNING-GATE: BRONCOS CLAIM THEY “NEVER LIKED TEBOW”

The Denver Broncos are trying to lure in free agent quarterback Peyton Manning despite having QB sensation Tim Tebow.  “Tebow? Seriously, come on. We never really liked him,” said team Preisdent John Elway.  Added Head Coach John Fox: “I never wanted to play Tebow in the first place.  They made me.  They like Tebow.  I like Peyton. Even before he was a free agent I said we should sign him.”

"Cash Rules Everything Around Me CREAM get the money, dolla dolla bills ya'll..."

The Broncos made it to the AFC Divisional round and lost to the Devil-worshipping Patriots 45-10 behind Tebow’s unconventional throwing motion and accuracy problems.  Team officials and fans all swore behind the Tebow’s “leadership skills and magic” that made them so great.  “I don’t ever want another quarterback!” said John Fox in November.

“I don’t remember that, you misquoted me… never happened but you misquoted me,” said John Fox this morning.

Manning said he will consider all offers before signing.  The Broncos say they are prepared to cut Tebow or worse.