JEWISH GOLFER SPENDS 40 YEARS IN SANDTRAP

Jewish professional golfer David Sherman spent the last 40 years lost in a small sand trap just outside the 15th green.  Sherman finally exited the bunker early this morning looking old, haggard and exhausted.

“I think I see my ball! It’s ten years that way!”

40 years ago to the day Sherman decided to layup his shot with a 6 iron; a risky move that his caddy at the time thoroughly discouraged.  “There was a group behind us in a hurry, and we couldn’t let them pass us,” says Sherman.  “My people have been through enough.  We will not turn back.”

Sherman hooked it slightly as the ball landed longer than the golfer intended: dead center of the bunker.  Sherman embarked on his journey with his caddy searching for the ball.  Thus his adventure began.

The caddy questioned Sherman’s knowledge of the bunker, saying they could easily take two steps to the right.  Sherman relented.  “I call the shots.”

When he finally got the “promised land” or the 15th green, Sherman said all he wants to do is make par.  The caddy died.

“I’m not sure this is the way, I’m gonna turn around”

TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

  • According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

  • And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

RORY MCILROY CHARMS SANDTRAP INTO HAVING A DRINK

Number 1 golfer in the world Rory McIlroy convinced a nearby bunker to let his ball go and have a drink. The charming Irish youngster was laying up on the 14th hole when his ball rolled into the front, steep end of the sandtrap.  The Irishman kept his wits about him and immediately strolled over to the bunker with a clever limerick on hand and followed up with a story about the bunker’s home town, which coincidentally McIlroy’s cousin lives in.

Golf's Don Draper, the bunker must be Roger Sterling...

“Couldn’t believe it,” said The Sandtrap, “small world.”

The bunker spit Rory’s ball onto the green right into the hole for Eagle.

And that's the Christina Hendricks... aw yeah...

SPORTS WORLD SLIDING INTO HORRIFYING ALTERNATE REALITY*

*Real world to follow.

Forced to watch 6 straight hours of Big Ten basketball.

A team of philosophers, historians, and sports psychologists have found that the world of sport is, in fact, caught in a terrifying hellscape of distorted reality.

In a new report published in the journal Nature, the group finds that sometime in the past 10 – 12 years, the sports world slipped through a rip in space-time, landing in an alternate universe of cruel ironies.  A plane where, as she hypothesized last month in a Boston Globe op-ed, “a football program touted for shaping young men in all likelihood has a serial child rapist in their ranks.”

The group’s chair, Dr. Alexandra Black, began her research after the Boston Red Sox won their first world title.  “I knew something was very wrong,” she recalls now.  She sought to gather a team to investigate patterns and anomalies.  Her first partner is now the current research group’s vice-chair, Dr. Francis Upp.

“It was slow going for Frank and I those first four years or so,” says Dr. Black, who is white.  We only had scattered, anecdotal evidence– a massive, unexplained solar event in January ’04, Barry Bonds’ denial of steroid use.”  Black sighs.  I got discouraged,” she admits.  In 2008, however, Black’s colleague, astrophysics professor Wilhelm Frumt, returned from a sabbatical in Austria and agreed to join her team.  That, of course, was the year Brett Favre was pushed out as quarterback of the Green Bay Packers.  “I had always known that Upp was down; once Frumt was back, it was only a matter of time before we started seeing some really disturbing things,” Black says.

"'Tiger Woods crashes car?' Pshhh, nbd."

Indeed, Black’s conclusions seem obvious now, considering the hyper-dramatized NBA lockout and Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos being kidnapped (then sprung amidst gunfire) in Venezuela.  And, of course, there’s Penn State.  Plots all disorientingly cinematic, but with no director to yell ‘cut!’  But, Black says, there are implications for non-sports fans as well; sports, she reminds us, have always been a bellwether for the rest of humanity.  “Jackie Robinson joined the Dodgers in the 1950s, and the Civil Rights movement followed.  Why should we assume that the rest of the world won’t follow sports again– this time into the teeth of the abyss?”

GOLFERS TRADE CADDIES

"Smile Jeff" "It's Chris" "Shut the fuck up Jeff"

In a shocking deadline move Bo Van Pelt and Rickie Fowler have swapped caddies. The two world ranked challengers admitted their current slumps called for a change; both caddies were stunned. “Never thought I’d leave that squad ya know,” said one of the teary eyed nameless caddies.* “The team, the bag, the clubs, the golfer… classy organization through and through.” Considering both bag carriers’ current high salaries, which is insane, Van Pelt will also receive a minor league caddy or a high numbered iron to be named later. After completion of the trade neither golfer remembered which caddy was his.

Both caddies cried.

– Mike Sweeney

*He insisted on giving us a name. We insisted we will forget, it does not matter caddy. 

PGA ENCOURAGES CADDY TO INSULT TIGER SOME MORE

"I make enough to bail out 12 states! But I deserve it!"

The PGA persuaded Tiger Woods’ former caddy Steve Williams to continue publicly insulting the golfer for the good of golf. The PGA has felt a stark ratings decline since Woods’ public revelations of infidelity followed by months of disappointing on-field performance; neither provided the thrilling comebacks that make golf exciting for viewers. So the PGA took drastic measures: told Steve Williams to continue s***ing on Woods.

“We need Mr. Williams to step up for golf and call Tiger a ‘motherf***er’ or make implications that he is a homosexual,” said commissioner Joe Steranka. “Do it not for Woods, but for golf and the children who love it. Call Tiger Woods a ‘prick’ again.”

Williams’ comments drew heavy publicity for golf; attention it has not seen since Tiger’s hey-day. When asked if he violated the caddy-code* Williams said, “I am a caddy, a hired gun, a mercenary with no master. Loyalty means nothing!”

HADOUKEN!!!

Steranka added: “we finally had a villain and amazing champ all at once, that would’ve been ratings gold. Then Tiger goes and sucks. What else can do except drag this on through bitter, pathetic gripes from safeguarded distances?!”

How else indeed?

– Mike Sweeney

*More sacred than scout’s honor or joining the Mafia