DEAD BEAT DAD JONATHAN QUICK ABANDONS STANLEY CUP IN PARK

“Um… hello? Murderers?”

Jonathan Quick may have won the Conn Smythe award but he sure is a deadbeat dad.  The lynchpin to the Kings’ Stanley Cup, Quick was the first member of the team to have the Stanley Cup; the goalie took the prized trophy to the park and left it alone for over three hours.  The Cup claims Quick told him to sit down while he “got some cigarettes.”

Quick never came back.

The Cup waited for over 45 minutes before it got worried; once it started getting darker, he sought out a payphone.  A local shop owner let the Cup wait in his corner store while right winger Dustin Brown showed up.

The Cup did not sleep a wink waiting for a phone call or a note.  Brown finally admitted that “his dad is gone” and he’ll be “bouncing around for a while.”

Quick was last seen working construction gigs and living out of his 1995 station wagon, never looking behind.

He plays so wild because he’s a NO GOOD BUM!

GREASY, FAKE BREASTED JERSEY “TRASH” FURIOUS BRONZED, FAKE BREASTED LA “SLUTS” WON

The Stanley Cup is over but the war between the coasts has just begun.  Greasy Jersey trash rioted late last night, furious their Devils lost to such “gross, bleached blonde whores.”

Countering, LA Kings faithful, who until very, very recently were unaware of the hockey franchise, rioted following their victory.  Kings’s fans added they hope “those greasy, fake titted Jersey bitches go back to their beach!”

“Eyes Up. Eyes Up. Eyes Up. Eyes Up…. What the hell’s the score?”

Jersey bitches was having none of that shit. “Okay, okay, okay, every LA girl, is trash. Done. That’s a fact. That’s a fucking fact. They’re gross and fake and all on diet pills and have to give a blow job to get work!” screamed Angie Anatolli, a local masseuse at Boardwalk Rubdowns.

I can’t believe they all actually showed! JER-Z PRIZZLE! Pride. I meant Pride.

Traci Lamps, an actress, claims she has followed the Kings all year and the Devils fans are the fairweather “hobags who are all gross with their fake tans and nails! Uh… get a reality show already biiiitch!”  Traci was unavailable for further comment since she received a call from boyfriend / manager.

It is good to see so much passion between hockey fans.  Congratulations to the big breasted, fake blondes of the Kings and our condolences to the big breasted, bronzed fans of the Devils.

The worst type of fan. The Cuba.

PREDATORS FAN AT NASCAR EVENT TELLS EVERYONE TO “PIPE DOWN”

"GO PREDATORS!!!"

Local Nashville Predators superfan Larry “The Winger” Wangor demanded everyone in his section at a recent Nascar race to “pipe down! The Predators are on!”  Wangor watched his favorite sports franchise on his iPhone wearing his lucky overalls and straw hat, necessary attire for Nashville’s biggest hockey fan.  While the rest of the crowd continues cheering as automobiles flew by at speeds north of 200 miles an hour, Wangor did his best to remind everyone the Predators defense is better than everyone thinks and their depth holds up against anyone.

No one listened.

Keep cheering Wangor.  When the Predators are home and you are sitting front row center ice, I guarantee they will hear your cheering.

1998 NHL PLAYOFFS ENDS!

BREAKING: After a thrilling 14 year sprint, the Detroit Red Wings have won the 1998 Stanley Cup Finals!

The Red Wings faced a brutal 168 month schedule tackling some of the best teams in the sport; however, they prevailed defeating the 2004 Washington Capitals in a four game sweep.  The NHL playoffs are a complicated one: each series is a 7 game matchup, which including off days can take quite a lot of time.  But it is all worth it says defensemen Bob Rouse: “it really makes you remember what’s important, what you put all that hard work in for.”  Rouse’s 14 year old son approached the man for a hug; he did not recognize him and skated away.

Considering half the squad is senior citizens, they look pretty good

Many criticize the NHL for stretching the playoffs too long, diluting some of the talent solely for profits.  If you’ve spent the last 14 years glued to the television watching 1998’s post season, you’d disagree.

The Red Wings are set to start the 1999 season tomorrow.

HASHTAG PLAYOFFS: WHAT TO EXPECT FROM NHL

Here’s our quick rundown of the NHL’s 2012 race to the Stanley Cup:

  • Team hipsters, such as Patrick Hornqvist, to wear playoff beards ironically.
  • Rangers will flaunt their red, white and blue jerseys exclaiming scoring on them is akin to 9/11.  Only the English speaking players will understand this.
  • Penguins and Flyers will spend bus trips exploring everything that Pennsylvania has to offer.
  • Numerous analysts describe the Florida Panthers as the “Tebow Broncos” so fans understand they should not be here.
  • Don Cherry’s tailor will keep giving him suits that call attention to his devastating mental illness.

Stop laughing and call a f***ing doctor!

  • Your friend who knows nothing about hockey will keep saying “got to ride the hot goalie, got to ride it.”‘
  • Bounty scandal will ensure hundreds of players get the NHL’s strictest punishment: 5 minutes.
  • Literally everyone will have a concussion.
  • Coyotes goalie Mike Smith to try and avoid fights by forcing players to talk it out over a beer.
  • Coyotes goalie Mike Smith will have beer on him.

NHL NETWORK UNVEILS “GRAPHICS”

The NHL network has made huge leaps forward by announcing new and exiciting “screen graphics” to air live during telecasts.  The network, stationed in local Wisconsin garage, has taken numerous strides to increase production value and bring viewers roughly near the 21st century.  “This is a great step forward for us,” said Benson St. Louis, the station’s programming director.  “We’re excited to catch up within the same generation as the current times.”

Production crew for NHL Network

The network has recently made huge strides to create a more “immersive” viewing experience, the screen graphics is just the tip of the iceberg.  Next year the NHL hopes to get a “real website” and is working round the clock on geocities.com as well as a cooking show that also discusses hockey.  “We’re really hoping to get some great popular guest stars, like that Bieber fellow and Paul Reiser!”

Some were thrown during last year’s controversial decision to include multiple camera angles, instant replay and post-game shows.  “We’re so excited, by 2013, we expect to have 24 hour coverage of hockey,” boasted St. Louis.  The network currently focuses primarily on its 6 hours of original programming as well as Walker, Texas Ranger reruns.

UPDATE: The Network recently purchased 7 Jean Claude Van Damme films to be included i its programming deck.

NEW HD CAMERAS SEE INSIDE SOUL

Sony has developed a new HD camera designed specifically for sports intended to revolutionize the sports viewing experience.  The HD SS-3000 Vex* will be introduced in the NBA and NHL Playoffs to see if fans respond.  “These cameras are the future,” said Sony Tech Wizard Tom Gray.  “The modern viewer has 24/7 sports networks and thousands of blogs disecting every second of the play, now you can witness the player’s thoughts and feelings as it happens.”

*The Hi-Def Soul Searcher 3000 (third generation) Vex (means nothing just added some “pishaw!”). 

The camera views and records each athletes emotions and thoughts as plays form.  “We intentionally separated ‘thoughts’ and ‘feelings’ into two different categories.  ‘Thoughts’ will show what the player is cognitively assessing, like how much further until I reach the rim.  ‘Feelings’ allow fans to be there emotionally with their favorite players driving down the lane.”

The cameras were used for a test audience during the recent Heat-Lakers game.  Fans got to watch in a private booth, provided by Sony, and watch the game through their patented HD SS Gogglometers, a high tech eye wear piece designed to help view the deepest darkest, most hidden corners of their favorite players.  Some of the highlights included:

  • Seeing how scared Dwyane Wade was every time Kobe Bryant approached him.
  • Derek Fisher’s insatiable desire to have a slice of pizza the entire game.
  • LeBron seeing himself dressed as Captain America whenever he dunks.
  • What really happened in that hotel room in Colorado in 2003.
Gogglometers view: Avalanche center Ryan O'Reilly driving up center ice: his emotion is "quixotic"

The only setback was two Gogglometers exploding while trying to dissect Metta World Peace.

However, the experiment was a resounding success.  Fans felt closer to the game, almost “ghost-like… a higher being,” according to Stan Perkins, who rubbed his mustache giggling before driving off in his windowless van.

Sports commentators are very excited to find out how this changes the debate world.  Now analysts can confirm which players lack “heart” and are “not all there” in ways never before seen.  Who is clutch?  Who let his team down?  What did he do last night at that night club?  Who’s biggest in the shower?  Essential questions.  Now with answers.

Sony is currently developing new systems to use the cameras with scripted dramas and sitcoms; it will have two modes allowing soul searching of the actor or the character being portrayed.  It is still struggling with “really good actors” such as Dexter’s Michael C Hall and Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Kandi Burruss.

Amazing defense by LeBron! Why is he thinking about water? NO HEART!