THE NCAA: THE HERO WE DESERVE BUT NOT NEED… OR DESERVE… OR WANT…

I want a cattle prod THIS big.

The NCAA is “thrilled” the Jerry Sandusky Scandal erupted, finally giving them the opportunity to “step on someone’s throats.”  NCAA president Mark Emmert said “that Miami thing a couple years back was fun.  And the Terrelle Pryor thing was a good teet to suck on.  But we haven’t been able to really hang a school upside while poking it with cattle prods.  I’m talking breaking his back, throwing him in some pit, and seeing if he can climb out to fight me again.”

Journalists were confused about Emmert’s shockingly candid quotes; just as shocking, his foaming mouth, rolled up sleeves and a presumably blood-stained bib around his neck. Emmert says he and his fellow NCAA officials came “right from the feast.”   The NCAA president refused the “death penalty” since Penn State’s “punishment must be more severe.”

Mark Emmert wearing some sort of scuba gear on the Penn State field

Many have criticized the NCAA for using this situation to remind collegiate programs of their governing power and that they cannot be challenged, seeing as how this only punishes future recruits and those far removed from the scandal.

Others have argued that Penn State’s peace and prosperity was built on a lie.  Once the lie was broken, chaos erupted and people took to the streets.  Those trying to fight back unfortunately were beaten, threatened or unable to stand up.  While all seemed lost, they waited for a savior with enough power and inspiring influence to sweep in and save the day on a flying Bat-like-machine….*

*Ed Note: Not sure if Mark Emmert is Batman or Bane in this analogy.  Either way he sucks even if his voice is clearer.  

Oooooh now it makes sense. He’s both characters because this shit’s all about him! I GET IT!

ESPN is saying the crippling of the football program is like Sandusky’s abuse of children.  The NY Post says the school should be burned and all named Paterno should be branded like Jews during the Holocaust.  Both sides are wildly polarizing and there is very little middle ground.

Local Penn State student Chris Likens said “I understand why people would be angry. And why they acted the way they did. I just hope those kids….” and they he just rambled like an idiot about some kids who have nothing to do with this.

Tragedy? How about that rushed ending in TDKR am I right?

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POINT / COUNTERPOINT: DWIGHT HOWARD

Magic center Dwight Howard has been demanding trades, declining trades, having coaches fired, causing the Magic franchise hell for over a year now.

QUESTION:  Is Dwight Howard the legendary Heath Ledger character Ennis Del Mar from Brokeback Mountain or legendary Heath Ledger character The Joker from The Dark Knight?  Point / Counterpoint!

Dwight Howard is ENNIS DEL MAR.  

Are you our of your mind?  Slash open is face and you have the spitting image of a black Heath Ledger!

Calm down.  Let’s look at the facts: Dwight Howard and The Orlando Magic are in a tortuous emotional tussle…

Howard is putting that franchise in the grave using his emotional / intellectual instability: forcing insanity on your opponent? CLASSIC JOKER!

That’s Dwight Howard. LOOK AT THE SHOULDER MUSCLES!!

It is not torture!  Howard is also caught in this whirlwind of emotion.  He wants the Magic.  He cannot have the Magic.  

He Harvey Dent-ed Van Gundy so bad that I literally saw Stan shoot a homeless person last week. Journalist’s honor! 

Exactly! Journalist! Got to see it like a critic who’s experienced love!

I have plenty of ex-wives I know love and I know the bitter, mind-bending hatred one person can force when person A, The Joker Howard, forces person B, the BatMagic to become the ridiculed bad guy, alone in the dark waiting for Bane to brutalize his ass.  

Howard is in a trailer somewhere looking in a mirror holding a Magic jersey saying “Magic… I swear…” with just enough tear inducing beauty!  This was classic Greek tragedy from the start!  

We can both agree that Howard is an infection on those around him who poisons their lives due to his unruly nature and personal demons? 

Yes. 

And we can both agree that if you painted his face and put him in a purple suit you’d assume he has 16 knives and a rocket launcher in his pocket?

No one’s debating that…

Then it’s settled: The Joker.  

Jake Gyllenhaal as Stan Van Gundy

But we know where Dwight came from.  The Joker is merely a spectre of evil wrapped inside of a man.  An acknowledgement of his legendary status as an agent of chaos.  Whereas someone like…

Gilbert Arenas!

Has no origin to speak of.  The man came out of nowhere, destroyed a franchise.  He even got near Dwight with his magic tenure!

Possible romantic tryst, you’re suggesting?

I have sources. Journalist’s honor. 

Makes sense to me. Gilbert Arenas is Heath Ledger’s The Joker and Dwight Howard is his gay cowboy lover Heath Ledger’s Ennis Del Mar.  

Sometimes you just got to get to the root of the problem. 

I’d still like to see his face slashed open…

What?

Just because this is awesome

“HUNTER” VOTED LACROSSE-IEST NAME

In a recent player’s poll between all collegiate athletes, “Hunter” was voted the most “lacrosse” sounding name.  It combines the modern “uniqueness” that is so popular among parents these days with the mix of suburban prep school safety.

All Star LAX player Hunter Palmeiri

Lacrosse has been dominating recent player polls:

  • Voted most likely to have players with Phish tattoos
  • Most like hockey without having foreigners
  • Easiest to play in Hollister shirts

Notably, 62% of all lacrosse players are named Hunter or Josh.

RIP JUNIOR SEAU

Last week Junior Seau was found dead three hours after the NFL announced a brilliant initiative in player safety.  Seau, 43, was found in his home from what police are ruling a suicide.  In an effort to save its players from the punishing effects of concussions, the NFL banned 4 Saints (one now a former Saint) players for multiple games for their role in the bounty scandal, reminding everyone that player safety is their number one concern.

Ray Easterling, 62, shot himself on April 21st after suffering from post-concussion effects for years;  he was a key witness in the class action lawsuit against the NFL regarding post-concussion effects and retired player compensation.  Does the NFL now lessen the credibility of Easterling by saying he had “money problems” or other reasons to be depressed?  Is his death great for the lawsuit in that it attracts sympathy?  People dying is now PR fuel for each side.

I have no idea why Seau ended his life.  Some question whether his 2010 car accident was indeed a suicide attempt.  For all I know, the gun firing could have been an accident (it has officially been ruled a suicide).  But a relatively young, recently retired 43 year old with young kids and a Hall of Fame pedigree died, not some 85 year old man.

The Commissioner’s office really needs to start wondering what happens if / when high profile bodies start piling up.  What will the NFL’s reponse be if Brett Favre commits suicide?  Tom Brady?  Peyton Manning?  Are they famous enough for the public to turn on the league and pressure them?   It is a war of PR and public opinion and right now the NFL is winning by suspending players in the name of player safety for doing something in 2009 (!!!!) that many other teams admit to doing meanwhile they are in a lawsuit trying to avoid paying injured veterans suffering from post-concussion effects.  Do the players need someone like Peyton Manning, charismatic and funny, to be as brittle as Muhammed Ali by age 45?

I played sports.  Okay, I tried to.  And even in high school I had coaches repeatedly tell me to “kill someone” if he comes across the middle.  “Knock him the fuck out.”  It’s sports.  It’s our national “who’s got a bigger dick” competition.  If someone offered me ten grand to knock out someone I would take probably too long considering it.  Why?  BECAUSE I COULD REALLY USE TEN GRAND!  I don’t think the average NFL player, who only gets paid during the season, so he is flush with cash at the moment, thinks “hm… ten grand?  That’ll make me hit harder than my 250 body that runs 40 in 4.5 seconds already does.”

These guys are behemoths.  They always, always, always, hit hard.

Who is the most violent hitter in the NFL off the top of your head?  Me: Troy Polamalu.  That guy is a wrecking machine.

Know what?  He seems like the nicest man in the world.  I doubt the Steelers have a bounty on their sidelines, but Polamalu sure looks like he is crippling some people.  Should he be suspended? He is hurting people and getting paid for it… BY THE NFL (M. Night Shyamalan twist)!!

Gambling should be punished.  Players should be suspended for gambling in the locker room, etc.  It is a league, corporate facility and they should not be throwing cash around.  Furthermore, the extreme organization in the Saints’ bounty scandal is odd.  But we cannot assume if the Saints were not betting on the sidelines then 40 year Brett Favre would not get hurt.  Maybe he got hurt BECAUSE HE WAS 40 YEARS OLD.

It is a shame that billionaire owners making billions in the biggest money making machine in the United States (soon we’ll all have NFL faces on our money) cannot shell out more for veterans who bring people into their stadiums, pay $15 to park, eat $9 hot dogs and drink two or three $11 beers.  They don’t have to, the NFL is winning the PR war: most people I run into on the street really think the Saints players should be banned.  Is this because they thought about it?  Or because ESPN, the NFL’s PR network, says so? *

*A long, angry post about how ESPN is the sports-world’s FOX NEWS is coming one of these days. 

I’m watching Outside the Lines right now as they discuss the concussion “crisis.”  Know what?  It was ESPN that was outraged one weekend last season when numerous players were knocked out with big hits.  “Suspend guys!” ESPN writers and analysts screamed; NFL complied.  If ESPN wants to pressure the NFL to take care of these guys, they can.  But then the NFL might get mad at them and Monday Night Football would go to NFL Network.

A friend mentioned “these guys all waste their money too. They are forced to retire at 30, then piss away all their money, of course they are depressed.”  If this is true (not saying it is) shouldn’t the NFL help them?  Shouldn’t the NFL (and Player’s Union) aid players going through this, or at least make an active effort.

That is what makes this hard for me: so many people blame the players. “It’s a violent game.” “They wasted their money, know how much I make?” “Guys are thugs.”  Sure concussions and injuries are occupational hazards, but so is the generator we are using on our production set; if that explodes shattering half my face, is it a “violent job?” Did I “waste my money?” “Am I “a thug?”  No.  I was doing my job.  I got hurt.  Not my fault.

It is hard to sympathize with athletes; I rarely do.  They make lots of money doing things we loved doing as kids.  They are living the dream.  But how do you sympathize with billionaires?  I cannot stress this enough: billionaires who refuse to increase the post-career benefits to guys who struggle to remember their kids names; guys who gets migraines from sunlight; guys who constantly took one year contracts for the league minimum just to stick around; guys who said they were fine because the team needed a big stop; guys who said they were fine because if they got cut they’d lose their house.  It is almost cartoonish.

We refuse to vote for presidential nominees if they seem “too rich” but we side with NFL owners against the people who make them richer?  When a player ends his life we think “yeah it happens” rather than “was anyone helping him?”

Maybe the league thinks since retirees are no longer NFL players they are not worth their time.

Go Saints.

TODAY IN OVEREXPOSED WOMEN’S SPORTS

Let’s just dive right in, shall we?

Chastain, with shirt buckled in, defeats MJ at golf.

  • According to her Twitter feed, Venus Williams had to write a paper. And it was hard. And apparently about math.

I'd rather be tennising.

  • And as if winning fancy golf tournaments and writing on a deadline wasn’t enough for them, it appears that females are ruining sports, in general.(Though you probably already knew that.) Thanks to the allegedly questionable fashion choices on the part of some lady journos, Major League Baseball announced at the end of last year that they will be instigating and enforcing a new dress code policy for media members, presumably set to kick in with the start of the 2012-2013 season. The new guidelines are the result of a pow-wow held by MLB officials in response to a September 2010 incident regarding a) The New York Jets and 2) a Mexican TV reporter. According to one, good-for-nothing girl writer, things have gotten “a little too casual” out at the ol’ ball game. So if any of you were hoping to spy an errant bra-strap or a little extra leg during post-game interviews, well you can just forget it. Better luck watching NFL or NBA coverage, because, let’s face it: anything goes in those two dens of vipers.

So now you know what the ladies have been up to. Check back next week for some more pillow talk and your weekly dose of sports as social commentary (hint: it will probably have something to do with some old broad whose color palette may or may not include “Masters Green”).

DOLPHINS FREE AGENCY FAILURES INSPIRE “THIS IS THE SPORTS” WRITER TO ATTEMPT SUICIDE; WRITER ALSO FAILS

Following a Dolphins free agency debacle that could only be described as “analogous to skipping through Sanford in a black hoodie,”  This is the Sports contributor and Miami Dolphins supporter Rony Josaphat tried to end his life on Saturday.  However he, like Miami GM Jeff Ireland, completely failed in achieving his one simple goal.  Of course in this case, the goal wasn’t simply making an underachieving team better, but making his own life worse, by ending it.

Diary entries, corroborated by statements from hospital staff, show that Mr. Josaphat first tried to end his life by “trading away a vital organ,” much like the Fins traded away big-play receiver Brandon Marshall.  After doctors refused to take his heart, pancreas, spleen, or lungs, Mr. Josaphat finally convinced the medical staff to let him part with one of his kidneys.  The medical staff, however, neglected to tell Josaphat that although the kidney is indeed a vital organ, a full life can be lived with only one of the two all humans are born with.  Thus, while Josaphat was discharged fully expecting to drop dead in minutes, he was halfway into his third Whopper Jr.(TM) at the Burger King next door before realizing that he wasn’t as dead as he’d like to be and had, in fact, enriched his life with the notion that he has saved another.  “This,” he was overheard to have said, “must be what Jeff Ireland feels like after his stupidity resulted in a giveaway that did the opposite of what he wanted.”

 

Yay empathy!

Later, according to police reports, Mr. Josaphat decided to end his life by spear-fishing in shark-infested waters off the coast of Australia.  Josaphat, according to friends, cannot swim, and would rightly meet his end if confronted with an unfavorable situation underwater.  Surely enough, he took the plunge and, after about a half-hour of being out of sight of dive master John Purvis, Josaphat was buoyed back to the boat in the middle of a pod of bottlenose dolphins, with his arms full of tasty fish.

“He was clearly frustrated,” Purvis said; “he told me that the dolphins kept him from drowning, kept the sharks away and steered all the fattest fish toward him.  He said that this must be how Jeff Ireland felt when he dove into the race to woo Peyton Manning and failed spectacularly as well.”  But instead of failing to get a big fish because superior competition ate him alive, Josaphat’s diary elucidates, “I failed to get the superior competition to eat me alive, and instead ended up with all those big fish.”

Finally, Josaphat decided to study up on poisonous foliage native to his current surroundings in Southern California.  According to rangers at Topanga Canyon Park, he scoured the mountain paths for hours, looking for dangerous berries.  As the sun set and visibility diminished, he decided to grab a fistful of whatever he came upon, and ate it.  Much to his chagrin, the berries he ate were toxic, but not life-threatening. After a couple days of convulsions and explosive diarrhea, Josaphat would recover.  “This,” he allegedly whispered to a park ranger, “must be how Jeff Ireland felt like when he tried to get Matt Flynn after losing Peyton Manning, but ended up with David Garrard. Like, ‘nice try, but you’re still a failure and a loser and you suck at life.'”

 

 

–Rony Josaphat, who was forced to write this article with a dull crayon as neither sharp objects nor electricity is allowed at his current location. 

NHL NETWORK UNVEILS “GRAPHICS”

The NHL network has made huge leaps forward by announcing new and exiciting “screen graphics” to air live during telecasts.  The network, stationed in local Wisconsin garage, has taken numerous strides to increase production value and bring viewers roughly near the 21st century.  “This is a great step forward for us,” said Benson St. Louis, the station’s programming director.  “We’re excited to catch up within the same generation as the current times.”

Production crew for NHL Network

The network has recently made huge strides to create a more “immersive” viewing experience, the screen graphics is just the tip of the iceberg.  Next year the NHL hopes to get a “real website” and is working round the clock on geocities.com as well as a cooking show that also discusses hockey.  “We’re really hoping to get some great popular guest stars, like that Bieber fellow and Paul Reiser!”

Some were thrown during last year’s controversial decision to include multiple camera angles, instant replay and post-game shows.  “We’re so excited, by 2013, we expect to have 24 hour coverage of hockey,” boasted St. Louis.  The network currently focuses primarily on its 6 hours of original programming as well as Walker, Texas Ranger reruns.

UPDATE: The Network recently purchased 7 Jean Claude Van Damme films to be included i its programming deck.