KYLE BUSCH WANTED TO DRIVE DURING KENTUCKY DERBY

Racing psychopath driver Kyle Busch is livid he could not participate in Saturday’s Kentucky Derby.  I’ll Have Another won the infamous horse racing Saturday afternoon with a furious Busch in attendance.

“See him tailing some of them other horses right ‘fore the end?” screamed Busch.  “If I was on that track he’d regret it, I’d bump him.  That’s racing.  I ain’t afraid to bump a horse with my car.”

Busch’s car / house / weapon

Busch arrived at the track with his crew, car and racing tights ready to participate.  The competitor is always willing to race in any event at any time.  Busch is infamous for barging into random men’s rooms and and finish urinating before anyone else already there, regardless of whether they started at the same time.

“Life’s a race,” said Busch double fisting two Red Bulls.  “Always got to compete… Ya’ll got some cocaine?”

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BLACK NASCAR DRIVER PULLED OVER MID-RACE

African American Nascar driver David Thornton was pulled over mid-race during yesterday as he competed for a Sprint Cup Series win.  A police car swerved onto the track, sirens blazing, and pulled over the young man claiming he was “speeding.”  Nascar officials say they always have a police officer on the premises and this should not be a shock.  Thornton protested that he was going “slower than a bunch guys” to no avail.

Officer Pimberry's charger made my Dodge; he came in 12th overall bumping himself up 2 spots in the standings.

The officer in question, Clay Pimberry: “Yeah we had a young, African American male, 20-25, speeding away in a car riddled with graffiti and logos speeding somewhere along the lines of 200, 220 miles per hour.  I pulled him over, he was wearing a helmet. I asked him wher ehe bought it. He said he was in a hurry and I asked him to step out of the car and he said he needed 5 or 6 of his ‘crew’ to help him do that. That’s when I requested backup.”

Thornton spent the evening in prison and his car was towed.  He will dropped 3 spots in the standings.

On the matter, fellow Nascar driver Kyle Busch said “awesome.”

PREDATORS FAN AT NASCAR EVENT TELLS EVERYONE TO “PIPE DOWN”

"GO PREDATORS!!!"

Local Nashville Predators superfan Larry “The Winger” Wangor demanded everyone in his section at a recent Nascar race to “pipe down! The Predators are on!”  Wangor watched his favorite sports franchise on his iPhone wearing his lucky overalls and straw hat, necessary attire for Nashville’s biggest hockey fan.  While the rest of the crowd continues cheering as automobiles flew by at speeds north of 200 miles an hour, Wangor did his best to remind everyone the Predators defense is better than everyone thinks and their depth holds up against anyone.

No one listened.

Keep cheering Wangor.  When the Predators are home and you are sitting front row center ice, I guarantee they will hear your cheering.

NASCAR ALLOWS FIGHTING

My chin is actually a hand leading into an arm leading into another person. My chin is a person.

NASCAR has finally legalized fighting.  Drivers may pull over mid race, exit their vehicles and throw punches at each other like frat boys after 6 Natty’s.  For years now fans have been begging Nascar to allow drivers to physically assault each other.  In a recent poll, 63% of fans claim the driving is the part they like the least.  Many drivers claim they also feel driving distracts from a crucial part of Nascar: rednecks assaulting each other.

Fighting used to be allowed in the late ’70’s.  Drivers could exit their vehicles, remove gloves, slap challenge and then throw down.  Legendary driver Dale Eanhardt famously drove through anyone willing to fight, hence his first dozen wins.  Uncomfortably, every driver unanimously picked Danica Patrick as the person they most want to fight.

NASCAR EXPLORES USING DRAGONS

Last night Daytona was ablaze with Nascar excitement and literally flaming trucks of gasoline.  Officials feared the rain delay and death-flame truck would mar Nascar’s Oscars, the Daytona 500, but it did just the opposite: ratings skyrocketed.

“The thick rain followed by ferocious fiery beasts made us realize this is the perfect way to watch Nascar,” said president Mike Helton.  “We will explore the use of dragons, griffins and any mythical fiery beast to give the fans what they want.”

Now imagine Tony Stewart getting out o his car and talking shit

Critics of Nascar claim the sport needs to be less like rednecks driving in circles and more like Mario-Kart.  Others suggesting a podracing, George Lucas-style approach, but then everyone laughed because that would a horrible fucking idea.

Nascar officials have already sent out scouts and search parties to gather the dragons.  The plan is to incorporate the animals as early as 2013, however, the parties do not return for many moons.

 

NASCAR FANS OUTRAGED OVER GAY DALE JR. COMMERCIAL

Fans of popular NASCAR driver and Wrangler spokesman Dale Earnhardt, Jr. took to social media yesterday evening to voice their disgust over a new 30 second commercial that they describe as “Queerer than a 3 dollar bill“.  “Dem Wrangler people are a bunch of gay homos!  They thinking Little Dale likes men and stuff; he likes boobies and cooters! #88notgay” tweeted @nickelback4life.  #88notgay was the top trending topic as of 11 PM last evening on Twitter.  “We apologize if our most recent ad was seen as offensive by some of Mr. Earnhardt’s supporters,” said Eric Wiseman, CEO of Wrangler International, “We were attempting to reach a demographic that we felt was overlooked with our previous ad campaigns.  In no way were we trying to bring negative attention to our product or alienate our current customer base.”

How could this pose be seen as gay?

The 30 second ad takes place in a dance club with multiple males dancing to “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge.  All of the dancers are wearing some form of Wrangler Jean product, although some alterations were made in order to create jean shorts or “Jorts“.  The camera pans to a shirtless Dale Jr. in skin tight jeans, drinking a Fuzzy Navel at the bar.  “I’m comfortable in my own skin.  Sometimes, I like going to the local bar and dancing with just guys.  It’s not gay yet, but we’ll see what happens.  I think the bartender put an extra shot of peach schnapps in here; total Zac Efron look-a-like!!  I’m comfortable in Wrangler…Guns and Budweiser suck!”  Marketing experts believe that the last line is the reason why so many fans our upset with the commercials content.

Totally just went 6 to Midnight...

“This is a great moment for NASCAR,” exclaimed Brian France, CEO of NASCAR “The outrage over Dale’s new commercial will completely overshadow how awful of a spectator sport we produce.  Our goal for the 2012 season is to increase the amount of off-the-track issues from last year and direct all of our media attention to them.  2012 couldn’t have started on a better note in our eyes.”

Despite public outcry, Wrangler Jeans says that it will continue the commercial in all media markets and is already filming another controversial ad with former NFL quarterback Brett Favre.  Little is known about the contents of the ad, but sources have confirmed that it will be marketed towards Hipsters, Apple Users, and other “Artistic, but not successful Artistic so they are just unemployed and annoy most of the population” types.