UFC FIGHTER DID GAY PORN… DUH

UFC Fighter Dakota Cochrane admitted to performing in homosexual pornography while in college; a decision he now regrets.  “I needed the money,” says Dakota strangle-holding his sparring partner with his supple upper thighs. “I have never done anything remotely like that since. I had a girlfriend at the time.”

Dakota Cochrane at his current weight in.

It is a brave confession by someone willing to bury the past and move forward, but some UFC fighters have been turned off by this whole situation: while shopping for athletic tights with friend Terry, Thiago Alves said “we’re a bunch of guys getting physical, we don’t need someone like that in our league. Oh no I hate those…”

Others support such a bold UFC gesture: Ben Henderson pinned down shirtless by two moist, muscular black guys says he is fine with any homosexual behavior “I don’t mind what anyone does in their private life so long as it stays there,” he said as his trainer pre-chewed the protein powder and sprinkled it onto hs chest. “This is a man’sleague, call me a whore,” “you’re a whore” “SPIT ON ME BITCH!”  Henderson encouraged fellow mixed martial artists to have movie night and watch the film with Cochrane, who said “we don’t have to do that.  Ever.  I literally would never suggest that.”

Henderson was defiant: “WE WILL TOLERATE DAKOTA! NO LET’S WATCH TWO DUDES FUCK!”  The tirade was followed by a screening at his home with ample hor dourves.  Those in attendance remarked, “it was weird.”

The UFC, like all of us, is making progress.  Those silly gooses.

PARALYZED, BRAIN DAMAGED STAR THINKS TODAY’S PLAYERS ARE WUSSES

Paralyzed, brain damaged former NFL star Byron Jones thinks today’s players are wusses.  After hearing about Sidney Crosby‘s continued absence from the Pneguins lineup, Twins first baseman Justin Morneau still suffering from concussion symptoms nearly two years after the event and the NFL eliminating two-a-day practices in accordance with the new collective bargaining agreement, Jones thinks sports have gone soft. “Nom nom men hit nommynom,” mumbled and slurred Jones through his feeding tube. “In our day we… I think… WHO ARE YOU?”

Multiple analysts agree: “players are not tough like they used to be,” said 180 pound 50 year old Skip Bayless.  “Players should never think about their future, their lives.  How can they keep their head in the game when they are worried about ‘life after the game?’  Bradshaw never worried about what a mockery and laughingstock he’d be years after his playing days.”

Indeed.

Thank goodness for guys like Byron Jones.  And thank goodness back in the day medical professionals did not know better than to stand in his glory seeking ways, agents and managers did not remind him of his next contract when they knew Dallas was coming up this week, and coaches and fellow players knew real injuries mean you could not walk.

Thanks to the former players, the greats, the legends who are willing to speak up about players not being as tough as they used to be.  It is always good to know that when some player beats a hallowed record, it is because the entire league is not as good as it once was, so said record is not nearly as impressive.

And thanks to the fans, analysts and armchair quarterbacks of the world for knowing exactly what they would do if they were in that situation.  Without their insight and ability to fairly judge their own actions in situations they may never be in, we would never be able to find out who is a quitter, a faker, a wuss, a complainer and a goat.  If we can learn one thing from Byron Jones’ nomming, it is nothing ever bad happens to heroes running full speed, head first into 250 behemoths for our entertainment.

If it did then Skip Bayless would just be talking nonsense.

BROCK LESNAR RETIRES AFTER BRUTAL ASS KICKING

The trend continues: Brock Lesnar is the latest UFC fighter to retire after a brutal ass-kicking.  “I’d like to thank the UFC, but after that embarrassing display of brutality at my expense, I don’t think I can return to the Octagon,” said a remorseful, yet composed Lesnar.  The former champ joins the legions of aging UFC fighters who retire after savage feats of torment to their own bodies; it is becoming quite fashionable.

Lesnar bravely defending his last few breaths

Many fighters choose to flail and beg their way through three or four consecutive maiming assaults on their being before calling it quits, but not Lesnar.  The former WWE superstar knew the first “colossal rage storm that breaks my spirit will be my last.”  Hall of Famer Chuck Liddell said “it’s brave of Brock to give it all up after his first concussive, borderline paraplegic-forming performance.  I knew I didn’t have it in me.  I had to have my brains splattered in front of a live audience, train and watch tape of said sport-rape, only to return for one last onslaught.”

UFC is known for its dramatic exits and legendary drama.  Hall of Famer and 1930’s superstar Edgun Torbal refused to give in until he literally saw his own spleen.

Times have changed.

Liddell in his ongoing feud with dignity

Numerous conspiracy theories arise whenever a fighter is pummeled like a school girl caught in trench warfare, but president Dana White claims “we would never pull a fighter from the ring.  One of my greatest prides has been setting up a system where I can watch men die.  If all I get is a dying spirit, then I know I can sleep at night.”