Man oh man! Sometimes the stuff I know just is the stuff I ain’t be knowing! Let’s bring out the bullet points: FIRE AWAY
- Eagles? Done or doner?
- AFC East starts to look like it should: GREATRIOTS ON TOP!
- Jim Harbaugh can coach football in every level: college, pro, space
- TEBOW! He need not your passes!
- The Dowdman streamed NFL Red Zone and HE. APPROVES. BABY!
- STUFF I KNOW:
The Eagles being done reminds me: Andy Reid is a terrible coach. Sometimes when the Eagles win football games I forget, but when they lose I remember all too well he stinks. If only there was an easier way? Ah well, maybe there is.* It’s possible. The Eagles were supposed to contend for the big Superb Bowl Game but alas, sit at 3-6 are done. BUT ARE THEY OUT OF IT? Time will tell us via carrier pigeon. That’s because time is classy.
*Ed Note: watching the game?
Reid could be done by season’s end: coaching carousel begin! Who could it be? Will Bill Cowher or Jon Gruden come out of the booth? My gut says no, my intestines says yes, the left side of my bladder says possibly! That’s a tie between the body parts I listen to the most. Will Paterno make a run at the NFL? Will anyone hire an 84 year old man who spent 10 years covering for his best friend who was a known pedophile? Rex Ryan got hired didn’t he? MAYBE!
Perhaps other former Jets hall of fame coaches Herm Edwards and Eric Mangenius! Perhaps the two men on one sideline! More Genius! More Herm! Think about it? The press conferences will be amazing! The defense will always play a safe cover 2! And the offense will suck!…. But how about those press conferences?
Stuff I Learned
1. Bill Belichick will not yield! Especially not to Sex Ryan!* Belichick has taught us time and time again that when it comes to depraved lunatics, nothing is better than being the quiet, careful, brooding, concocting shell of what used to be human under a hoodie. Sure Rex is filthy: slovenly, unkempt, clearly avoids showering like the plague, has a taste for the finer things like bacon grease and lard, but he’s one of us! He’s your creepy neighbor. He’s your uncle you walk in on having sex with his 10 years younger new girlfriend he brought to Thanksgiving way too soon after his divorce. He’s the teacher everyone is pretty sure is looking down the girl’s sweaters. He’s the old guy in the stands of a high school game with a 40 smiling at the cheerleaders claiming “it ain’t illegal to look!” That’s Rex. Bill is a whole new fetus eating, Satan worshipping, linebacker sacrificing horde. He’s like the Nas Ghul. Or a Sith Lord. My NFL insiders tell me he cannot masturbate unless he is physically assaulted by an animal.**
*True I should not poke fun… one day at a time. Whatever he wants to do with a luscious pair of lady size 7 feet is his business not mine. Between him, a bottle of hot honey and his mouth… one day at a time.
**The Dowd makes no judgement on such acts. In fact, he applauds anyone who tries to experiment in a way to find pleasure… One day at a time.
2. TIMMY TEBOW NEEDS NOT THROW! Tebow destroyed the Chiefs in a brilliant, risky, gunslingin’ performance: 2 completed passes. 2! The first coming in the third. The second was a bomb in the fourth! Phenomenal football. That’s what is great about Tebow: pace. He doesn’t need to throw it 40 times. Just two effective passes. The man must’ve read the Bible passage: forget that pass and make it rain!* Sure it was not the definition of “gunslingin'” but it was still gunslingin. Gunslunged through and through.
*Cannot seem to find the exact verse but it is there….
3. NFL Red Zone: finally ADHD is fun! The Red Zone package, which I stream online illegally due to this little snafu I’m having with the cable company and “payments” is downright phenomenal. Scott Hanson is a dream come true int he booth. I get to see all my NFL action. Sure I have 27 TV’s here in Dowd-Studios, but 6 are set to NFL Red Zone.* It’s like watching 10 football games at once: split screen? YES PLEASE! Dowd-proved.
*4 to Food Network, 1 on Ice Road Truckers, the rest football.
Gunslinga of the Week
Matt Schab! Shachation!* He will deliver us to the promised land. WE MUST PROTECT THIS ALAMO! The Houston Texans came away with a Schaubnomenal 37-9 win against comeback kings the TB Bucs. Only blemish with the Texans? The name. Houston is the Houstoners. Not the Texans. Texas would be the Texans. It’s just stupid. But not dumb enough to prevent Schaub from eating a large Turkey BLT will melted swiss on toasted white today for his sammich award. Good eating Schaubtastic!**
The Dowd Jones Index
1. The Steelers: sure they did not get mentioned much this week, but the Steel Millers are true greatness. Gritty defense. Gritty offense. Gritty special teams. Gritty long snapping. The key to great football is the grit of your long snap. without it you are nothing. NOTHING!
2. Ravens: not quite as gritty on the long snapping front, but extra credit for the guile of their punting unit.
3. GREATRIOTS. Proved today they are the pick of the litter for the AFC East. they took the division from the Bills and Jets proving longer named teams always win in the end.
4. 49ers: Harbaugh’s got these boys rolling on a roll. Can they win it all? I think maybe it is possible. Time better get writing that letter cus we need to know!!
5. Cowboys: Good ol’ GOMO’s destruction of the Bills showed us Dallas is for the realness. They are here to stay and kick butts! Buffalo butts! See you in the Super Bowl Gomo!
5A. Broncos: not completely convinced they are the all time champs yet. in fact, they need to win a Super bowl to prove whether or not Tim Tebow is a hall of famer. Sure he’s a amazing, but worthy of Canton? I think I think so. Not sure. My future self will have to write me a letter and send it back in time, that’s how I’ll be told. In time.
5B. Everyone else. That’s right. We just don’t know. Dowd-Studios and Dowdman racked their collective genius heads but could not decipher who goes here. Does anyone deserve it? Are we in for a year with only one team going to the Super bowl? MAYBE!
– Rick Dowdman