I know what you’re thinking: “RICK DOWDMAN, YOU GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO WEEK 11?”
Sorry friends, travelers and nomads who prefer not to think of themselves as travelers but of people of the Earth, but editor in chief Mike Sweeney decided to be a dildo* and refrain all writers, bloggers, editors and my other fellow genius Sportcicians from writing. Something to do with This Is The Sports no longer being “liquid” and looking for an emergency “investment” to pay the staff. It’s all very technical and hoo-ha to me!
*Poor word choice knowing my past, but I could not think of any other verbage to describe how much of an object he was inside of my thrusting, vibrating, while biting down on hard leather as three Asians lay beside me… One day at a time. Sorry loyal readers, having a week off affected the Dowd’s ability to censor himself.
HOW ABOUT THAT NFL???!?!?!
We get a glorious Mark Sanchize win, a gritty gutsy showdown in Kansas City, and another sandwich worthy performance by the Christ-man himself, TIMMY TEBES!! When we sat down for Thanskgiving dinner at my local YMCA, we asked what we were all thankful for. Between moans of “crack” and “f***ing Republicans” I let it be known the Dowd is thankful for one thing and one thing only: TEBOWING!
I Tebowed everyone around the table letting them know where my allegiance lies. It’s with the mashed potatoes! Delicious suckers, especially filled with bacon. Only way that gets any better is with stuffing, turkey, cranberry on a massive three decker sandwich! Hey now, that sounds like the sandwich for the sandwich award now. But will it be? TELL US OH LUSCIOUS LADY TIME!
And how about those QB changes? No Schaub for the Alamo Texans! Now no Leinart?!?!? Thought this was his year. Maybe not. But it is possible he comes back. And then Kyle Orton got dangly dangled. Been there done that Ort from Ork.* No one likes to see a grown man hang on so desperately.
Speaking of, REX GROSSMAN, THE SEX IS GROSS MAN! IS BACK!!
Stuff I Learned
1. Leinart, Bush, Young: not gonna do it. I think of Dana Carvey’s classic George Bush I dance of “not gon…. not gonna do it” on SNL. These 3 should’ve been studs. Now none deserve sandwiches or the celebrity girlfriends they all regularly have. Honestly? How do they get Kardashians and what not? Dowd has a mustache! A MUSTACHE! I got nothing…. One day at a time.
2. TAWM BRADY! Tawm is king. The man can do no wrong. If it weren’t for Aaron Rodgers Mr. Giselle would be sleeping in all the sandwiches he’s earned this year. Well done. But how about more passes to WES WELKAH!?!?! I think they need to keep their passing love affair going. But will they? Time, email me soon. Don’t text. I hate texting.
PS How does he get Giselle. YOU KNOW WHY?!?!?!?!?!
3. Thanksgiving day football. Like I said, I was over at the Y, so I didn’t watch the games from DOWD STUDIOS. Very new for me. I am accustomed to my regular dose of NFL Redzone and 13 TV’s. But alas, I dealt with the standard def and watching only one game. Thank god turkey makes you tired or I never would’ve made it. WOULDA BEEN ANGRY!
4. GOMO! Tony Go Romo. He certainly did. He Romoed on the faces of those Dolphins with a stirring, gritty, gutsy, gunslingerish performance against the mighty Dolphins. But are they down for good? Do the Dolphins have what it takes to take the division? Mathmatically? NO. Gutsily? YES!
GUNSLINGA OF THE WEEK
As you all know, I appreciate a good sandwich and don’t hand out Gunslinga of the weeks very lightly. It takes good, hard earned guts, moxy and the definition of everything Number 4 was and still is if only someone gave him a chance.
Without further a-do, this week’s gunslinga is…. TURKEY! Damn right. Who else performed better than the bird that fed America? Without it, the Indians would’ve never learned to appreciate how smart the Pilgrims were. Without turkey, where would we be as a society? CAVE DWELLERS? Did that for a dark six week period in my life and trust me, it’s no YMCA.
So here ya go you lovely bird, you beat out a 4 TD performance by Sanchize to get GUNSLINGA OF THE WEEK!!
The Dowd-Jones Index
1. Packers: UNDEFEATED. It says it all needs to. They have not lost. Have they always won? Maybe. Will they always win? Possible. Do they have heart? Unless they are cyborgs, and they once played in the rain so they should have short circuited, then yes they have heart.
2. San Fran: Harbaugh got Harbaughed by his older brother, Harbaugh. But that turkey day smash up between two men from the same womb taught me something: older brothers have the advantage. They feel Earth first, thus have more knowledge than the younger ones. Look at coaches, I have a feeling everyone’s going to be hiring older gents this off season for the jobs: 90 and up! MORE KNOWLEDGE THE BETTER! It’s gritty.
3. New England / Baltimore: both 8-3. Says it all to me. 8 wins. 3 losses. Both have that record. Thus we will never ever learn who is better. This is the Dead Sea Scrolls of match ups.
4. Indianapolis 0-11. Peyton might be back in two weeks to save the season. Maybe. Enthusiastically. Proglomatically.
5. Dallas: hunting them Injuns down! These guys rassle and whirl up like a desert sand storm down there. They are phenomenally accurate in their gunglinerin.
5A. Oakland: never give up, never surrender. Words from Tim Allen to live by.
– Rick Dowdman