Is it just me or does Aaron Rodgers give you a footballgasm?*
*Kidding. Lulz as you internet honchos say. I take a daily prescription medication made from a rare leaf only found in the south of Thailand. Said medication keeps me limp for the safety of myself and others.
But seriously, if I was medically cleared, it’d be a Rodgers throb all day. That man tore apart the Giants secondary in 50 seconds! He does not even need minutes to destroy. Merely seconds! Put a pigskin in that man’s hands and he can do anything. He’s like Ryan Gosling from Drive, only Rodgers would beat out that dude from The Hangover for sexiest man alive. #teamryan.
I need to calm down…. Let me take a cold shower and come back for some Stuff I Learned…
Stuff I Learned
1. The Dolphins are DOLPHINitely winning! Boom! They man handled the Carson Palmer Raiders. Sparano has turned them around. Give him the sandwich! That guy has the team he needs with the Reggie Bush he wants. These boys are for real, maybe not this year’s Super Bowl, but most definitely next year’s. You heard it here first DOLPHINS 2013. GOSLING 2011.
2. TEBOW over even the great Gosling for QB of the year. That guy can come back from anything and everything and has. Is he Jesus or Superman? My money on Superman. He crash landed here to a brilliant score from John Williams and uses heat vision against all AFC West teams. Heck yeah Tebow. I’m going to name my Aaron Rodgers erection the Tebowner.*
*Okay last one. Remember Dowd…. on day at a time one day at time one day at a time…
3. Indy put 24 on New England? WHO NEEDS PEYTON?!?! WHO NEEDS ANDREW LUCK?!?! Clearly their 0-11 is a fluke. Those boys fought tooth and nail against Bill Belichick’s soulless succubi. Are they turning it around? Miami did. Not sure if they will, it’s possible or definite. WHO KNOWS?
4. The Rams suck.
Gunslinga of the Week
No Schaub? No Leinart? NO PROBLEM! T.J. Yates championed the 9-3 Texans in his first ever start for them this season and possibly ever. That guy gunslanged up and down the field making everyone forget about the legendary Leinart. When I saw the pretty, handsome, Gosling-esque Leinart, I knew their season was done. YATES JUST ONE MINUTE EVERYONE! Enjoy the sandwich amigo! Let’s get Sloppy Joe up on these slingeros!
The Dowd Jones Index
1. Packers. 12-0. Says it all. The 12 is the amount of wins. The 0 is the amount of losses. The dash is everything in between.
2. Steelers. Ever since The Dark Knight Rises filmed in their home town they’ve been rolling over opposing teams like Batman in the Batpod. Genius team. Geniuser movie.
3. Denvah! Tebow wins no matter what. He has a bad case of Stage 5 win no matter what!
4. Arizona. 19 points on the board. 19 Dowd points on the indez.
5. Jets. Gang green had a better weekend than their city mates Big Blue. But both colors are thoroughly enjoyable. Both in the rainbow as well. Great scheme.
5A. Everyone else is tied here. Except Miami. They are champions.
– Rick Dowdman