Welcome ladies and gentleman to STUFF I KNOW. The first edition of Dowdman’s weekly NFL report. Exciting Week 4 we had.
Sorry I have not been able to update more regularly. I got a late start this season due to some personal
discretions decisions I had to deal with. The Dowd is open with his audience: so thanks to all those who supported me through my most recent stint in a sex addiction treatment center. It was a hard, painful road, but I know with the support of all at This Is The Sports I can put this and the last 3 incidents behind me.
Ed Note: We regret to inform everyone we are officially canceling our internship program.
FOOTBALL! Hazaa! The only thing I like more than a sweet pastrami on rye is gunslingin’ passes and rough-em-up defenses storming the grid iron. Here are some things I learned:
STUFF I LEARNED:
- Vikings are toast. They’re dead in the water. They’re a moist PB&J that’s been stomped on: A MESS!! Biggest need is at quarterback. Perhaps the Gunslinga is still available? MAYBE! Would he want the challenge? Has the game passed him by? Time will tell. But then again, it might not. Time may be mute. Or a foreigner. Does Time speak any human language? I think so. Maybe.
- Victor Cruz fumbled. That’s as obvious a fumble as I’ve ever seen. But the refs got the call right. If a player gives up, then he is down. If he no longer is pushing for forward motion he is done; and the G-Men gave up well into the second quarter. They won by accident. Classic Eli. Always the overcooked Reuben never the simple tuna on a baguette.
- Cam Newton is for real. Look at him GUNLSING! People were wary of a rookie quarterback with tools but not the NFL “package.” Let me tell you a story. Are you listening? Here it comes. Wait… Listening? HA! You’re reading this so you can’t be listening. Unless someone is reading it to you. Are you blind? The Dowd loves his blind fans! Likes… not loves… Sorry, that’s something I learned in sex rehab. One day at a time. What was I talking about? Oh yeah! When I was General Manager of the New Mexico Pueblos Arena Football Team, we were never afraid of rookie QBs. We started 12 in my 5 seasons. Young QBs bring the hunger necessary to win big games. They have the gunslingerry required to take risks. Are they stupid risks? Maybe. I think. But stupidity goes a long way in the NFL. All I’m saying is the Panthers are SB bound.
- Speaking of the Super Bowl: Madonna? At halftime? Yuk. Sure the Dowd likey.
Despite her age I’d still pour peanut butter on her and rub my hands on glass shards just to feel something…But her music I don’t care for… One day at a time….
- Broncos need TEBOW. The Gunglinga sits on Denver’s bench doing what exactly? Not Wildcatting. Not running. Not quarterbacking. Hell, he’s a one man team! He’s a glorious turkey BLT on lightly toasted white and a dash of mayo. All he needs is the right team to be his side of fruit salad. The boy’s a Swiss Army Knife rolled into Batman’s Utility Belt. It’s like having infinite gadgets at your disposal. Can he win? Time will tell. Perhaps? I’m not sure but I think he will. Super Bowl contenders? If he plays, yes. If he doesn’t, maybe.
GUNSLINGA OF THE WEEK:
Jason Campbell 25/39, 344yards, 1TD, 2INTs.
As always, the numbers don’t always express the gunslingeress that we seek here. His pass late in the game forced right into double coverage THAT’S WHAT THEY CAN’T TEACH. That’s the grit and guile of Super Bowl worthy quarterbacks. I’m not saying Oakland is Super Bowl material, but they might go all the way. Who knows?
Congrats Campbell, you won the Weekly Pastrami, Turkey, Cole Slaw, Russian dressing on Rye Award!
THE DOWD-JONES INDEX:
Ranking the teams Dowd points by Dowd points.
- Lions – undefeated and they got that moxy. There’s only one stat I look at: WINS. Why? Two reasons: they’re what makes team not lose and they’re right under the teams names on most websites. If they weren’t important they’d be footnotes. The Dowd Man never footnotes. All I say is important.
- Patriots – 3-1. Wins aren’t everything. This is still a Bill Belichick team. He is their coach (but for how long? I’m not saying his job is on the line, but it could be…. I think).
- Green Bay – every Lambeau Leap makes me remember the Gunslinga himself gunslingin’. The sport was better with him around.
- Baltimore – a gritty 3-1. That’s what the Dowd likes. They come in and play terrible football and still win. That’s what makes great teams, playing terrible, pathetic, piss poor, lack of fundamental football against teams even more inept and coming out with the win. That’s what championships are made of: terrible, terrible football. Is it just me or does this team need a new QB? Yeah Flacco is good. Is he elite? I don’t think so. I could be wrong, but I think I doubt that. Maybe they should swing a trade: Ray Rice, Cory Redding, and some draft picks for TEBOW. The young gunslinga is hungry and worth it. No way this could blow up (maybe?!).
- Giants – an unconvincing team. They only won because they capitalized on a bad call. Football is not about that. Has Tom Brady, a true champion, ever capitalized on bad calls? NOT ONCE!
- (OR 5A) Cowboys– They have the materials to be winners. Can they win? Won’t know until they win more. They don’t win enough to be winners. But they aren’t losers either. Winning’s a choice.
- (OR 5B) Chargers – I have not seen their games yet but I’m told good things. I think… I forget, was it them or Houston? Maybe Houston. Maybe not! Either way, Chargers are Superbowl contenders.
The rest couldn’t hold a lick to any of these teams. But anything could happen! Any given Sunday. Except the Chiefs. Not happening (BUT IT MIGHT!!).
THIS IS THE DOWD-LIFE
How about this past week? Phenomenal football. I was watching in DOWD-STUDIOS. That’s my awesome name for my studio apartment! Isn’t it great. When people say, “Dowd, you’ve lived it all, how does it get any better?” Here’s how: studio apartment, my own bathroom, two single beds = ONE MASSIVE BED!, recliners for everything and I mean everything: seat, book shelf, drawer, closet, shelf for my bus pass, I have twelve leather recliners at the Dowd Studios.
That’s the couches: NOW FOR TV’S. I love television. And while I love the NFL Red Zone package, that’s not enough football for yours truly. I need a separate screen for each game. But not just this week’s, last week’s games as well! I have 24 televisions stacked on top of each other playing recorded and live games. Only downside is I had to craigslist them all, so none are flat screen (amazing how cheap old TV’s are, people are just throwing them away like Subway sandwiches! ZING! Though I like their grilled chicken….).
CERN discovered something faster than light: time travel is back! If the Theory of Relawhateva is disproven, we may have time travel soon. BOOM! Good thing I’m saving up for an additional 12 screens: now I can watch football is past, present and future. Life. Is. Good.
– Rick Dowdman
MAILBAG: email Rick at email@example.com