STUFF I KNOW WEEK 9

College football tried to steal my sweet NFL’s thunder this weekend. But Zeus would not have it! Thunder will be all over the NFL games rain or shine, there will be bolts of awesome electricity followed shortly by a large BOOM! Kind of like a hit from Ray Lewis! How crazy was it for college? Maybe I’ll tell you! Maybe you’ll read on! Maybe you’ll get hit with a lightning bolt! Good way to go I think: reading about football during a massive storm. Ideal death. Possibly.

LSU – BAMA was the best worst awesome horrific game ever. While the Dowd prides himself with making strong opinions, I am flabbergasted by this. Was this a phenomenal defensive struggle? Was it an offensive mess? Was it both? MAYBE! All I know is this game was not what we wanted. Sure Andrew Luck is college football’s premier gunslinga, but those two kids at LSU and Bama really screwed the pooch. Dropped the soap indeed they did. And it came back to bite them. speaking of….

Penn State. When I first heard this story my initial reaction was ‘what will the punishments be?’ Personally, I remmeber when Ohio State was caught: these heathens received free tattoos and other gifts, violating football rules. Granted it is college and not my love child* NFL, but rules are rules. Anyone who breaks a football rule deserves the football death penalty!** I cried and cheered for Ohio State to be burned to the ground. Football was violated, touched in a bad place, and that does not stand! Anyone fondling football deserves justice! And vengeance! They deserve Batman!***

*No, not my literal love child NFL, who turns 8 this month. Happy Birthday!

**Coincidentally, that means quality time in a Baltimore alley with Ray Lewis and Zeus. 

***The Dowd’s Halloween costume of choice this year.

BUT! Ohio State violated the sanctity of football. Penn State did not. Their sins were much more sin related, not football related. Should Joe Pa keep coaching? HECK YES! The man should be allowed to die on the field!* Holding the team hostage, you say? HECK NO! The man is like your crazy great, great grandfather: sure he’s out of touch, smells bad, and a little racist, but he also has wisdom. I remember my great great pap: “Refrigerators need to be turned off!” “That dog has the evil eyes!” “I don’t know much about these funyuns…. but I know I like them!” RIP Papi. You deserved to go out in a hail of lighting and Ray Lewis crazy.

On to the real football:

Stuff I Learned

1. Eli is ELIte. The younger Manning is now Manning number 1 in my Dowdheart. This Man-Slam* has got the big sandwich, a Super Bowl ring, already. But now he’s turned into overdrive. He’s surely added a few strips of bacon on that pastrami!

*Dowdnamed!

2. Miami finallu figured it out: LET THE RUNAROUND BEGIN! Miami looks like contenders once again. Sparano’s strategies are finally starting to take hold: don’t win the game, let the other team lose it. But can it win the whole thing? As always, our good friend Time will let us know. Hope he’s got the new iPhone! GREAT TEXT RATES!

3. Palmer? Tebow? One game? YES PLEASE. Mhm. Gunslinga meet Gunslinga. Palmer is trying to rise form the ashes, while Tebow is trying not to die for our sins, just save us in the playoffs! The two men are football Jesus’ in my eyes. Amazing game!

Gunslinga of the Week

Matt Moore: WHO ELSE? The youngslinga had 244 yards and 3 TDs! That’s better than Chad henne’s whole career. Is he what Miami needed all along? Will they still clamor for Tebow? Are they trying to raise this pupslinga’s value for an eventual trade for a wideout? Time will tell. Tony Sparano is many things, number one being unpredictable. That’s why he’s such a brilliant coach.

Here’s your hame, salami, matos and relish on a nice baguette. Enjoy it! Bigger sandwiches to come for this Moore fella I can feel it!

Dowd Jones Index

1. Green Bay – those Packers are attackers. Classic boring, great team. Much like LSU and Bama but a team not a game. Or are they? Time will tell!

2. The Jets / Giants – its all New York here! Hey I’m gunslingin’ over here! You gunglingin’ to me? You gunslingin’ to me? I’m gonna gunsling him an offer he can’t refuse! Gunslingin and the City!

3. 49ers – Ever since Jim-gate threatened to derail the Niners season, Harbaugh has been on fire. He can spit on anyone he likes if he keeps his team in it like he does. Great work from a great man! Sure he violated the sanctity of football, but it was for the win. And that’s the only time it is okay! I think.

4. NAHLENS! How about those boys? The pros and college kids from LSU came away with wins this weekend. It was probably better than Mardi Gras. Or St. Patrick’s Day. Whatever they celebrate down there. BORN ON THE BAYOU! Wins are all that matters.

5. The Patriots – tough loss, but wins are not everything. The Pats still have Belechik, Brady and Ochocinco will break out of his shell any day now! I can feel it. Meanwhile, just keep passing to WES WELKAH! The grit and guile on that boy. A sandwich is in his future, the Dowd foresees it!

5A. Oakland – Palmeranian is leading his team viciously. Gotta love it!

5B. Eagles. They haven’t played as of this writing, but they haven’t lost either… Wins are everything.

This is Dowd-Life

Spent most of the week recovering from Halloween festivities. Gotta stay in during this time due to this insane, ridiculous uptick in sexy costumes. Not good for the Dowd. These people need to learn a little modesty. Especially the ladies dressed as sexy Disney characters. No thank you. Well, yes please, but no thank you. The Dowd’s been down the slippery gravy slope and barely came out alive. One day at a time.

It violates the sanctity of Halloween. It’s about candy and hysterical costumes. Not this sex stuff. No fun for those of us who want wholesome values. I think they all deserve to be sent to a Ray Lewis Thunderbolt back alley.

– Rick Dowdman

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