TOM CRUISE RELEASES KATIE HOLMES

But they looked so sane!!!

After 6 so-so years with the Cruise franchise, Katie Holmes has been released.  Cruise said it not a cost cutting maneuver and that he expects the team to contend in the coming years.  Holmes will weigh her options and try and find the right team; she still expects to be a starter.

Cruise had one of his best seasons in recent memory with the success of Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and Rock of Ages.  Katie had arguably her worst season yet, calling many fans to wonder why the franchise kept her around.

Cruise drafted Holmes back in 2005 and made her the starter in 2006.  She came from an uber-talented draft class including Jennifer Garner, Scarlett Johanssen and, rumored at the time, Bradley Cooper.

Could’ve had an Avenger and you took First Daughter?

NICK SWISHER TO FLY BALL: “COME AT ME BRO!”

Bros!  U see Nicky Swish the other day?  HE CRUSHED THAT CATCH!  Absolutely crushed it!  The ball was like some honey at the frat and Swish3000 totes ripped his shirt off, strolled over there, said “WHAT UP HONEY.”

Swish has long been the bro-est bro in all of MLB.  Some SwishFAX to remind you how DECK he is:

  • Fav movie:  Wedding Crashers / Gladiator
  • Fav book: HAHA GAY!
  • Fav babe: Kate Upton… bro…
  • Fav MILF: early 40’s Halle Berry, she’s totes used up now
  • Fav team: THE A TEAM BRO!  Seriously that show still totes holds up.  Me and my gramps used to watch it always back in the day. For real RIP.

LEBRON’S A GOOD PERSON NOW!

NBA champion and overall great guy LeBron James is finally – FINALLY – a good person.  It took 7 years of worthless effort, hard work and a few public faux pas, but James finally turned a corner, overhauled his entire personality, accepted we were all right about him, and did what we wanted him to do: become a good person.

Coincidentally, James won his first NBA title last week, right before his transition into “good guyhood.”

While I have never met LeBron, or anyone who has met him,* but his body language the past few years was that of a cowardly, heartless, winningless character.  Putting it in zombie movie cliche terms, he was the soldier who who runs a small colony but his hubris gets in the way and the zombies eat him while the heroes sneak away.  Or in inner city family drama cliche terms, he’s the older brother who’s great but addicted to crack and lets the younger brother down, but might help the younger brother succeed (hence his fourth quarter failures.)**

*My cousin saw him in a mall once, he thinks.

**This also works for boxing movie cliche.  

I AM SO HAPPY I’LL EAT THIS MIC I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!

But now James language is of someone who did exactly what I always thought he should.  I am glad he did.  To be honest, I cannot believe I am not getting a ring.  I probably should as a team consultant or something.  This happened because of me.  I am important.

Teammate and fellow champ Chris Bosh, sadly, is still a GIF-able doushe.

In a surprising twist, recent events in Kevin Durant’s life make him seem so… unlikable.  Maybe he has no heart?  Flawed character?  Only time and Skip Bayless will tell.

PACMAN JONES PLANNED ON “PISSING AWAY” HIS $11.6 MILLION

MAKE IT RAAAAAAIIIN!!

A judge ordered Pacman Jones to pay $11.6 million to two Las Vegas strip club employees whom were injured in 2007 when a gunmen opened fire claiming to do Jones’ bidding.  Jones and his attorney were furious at the ruling as it completely spoils Pacman’s desire to “piss it all away.”

Pacman pulled out an 8’x9′ calendar made of silver, which he carries at all times, revealing his weekly plans: light his Mercedes on fire, buy a new one, cover it in turkey grease, invent 8 distinct time machines, throw a party in which everyone must dress in a full suit of armor.  That’s only Monday.

Pacman lives a very expensive lifestyle, so this money might be hard for him to come by.  The former Titan says he’s hoping to get a larger contract this season, do some garage wrestling on the side and rob some liquor stores.

Pacman Jones in the court house.

CLEVELAND STORE HAS MASSIVE “GUN AND SINGLE BULLET” SALE

Local Cleveland store “Fiery Temper’s Fire Arms” is having a massive blowout sale in honor of tonight’s NBA Finals Gam 5.  With former Cleveland Cavalier LeBron James, aka the Cleveland Puppy Rapist,* one win away from winning his first NBA title, “Fiery Temper’s” is throwing a $20 gun with one bullet sale.

*Aka the Kennedy Assassin**

**Aka the Rush Kennedy Assassin (a local 95 year old lady who died of elevated heart rate).***

***Aka He Who Should Not Be Fuck Him I Hate Him

See that in his teeth? It’s Cleveland’s soul.

“It is a wonderful opportunity for all of Cleveland to prepare themselves and celebrate appropriately,” says “Fiery Temper’s” owner Eddie Abernathy.  “Fans can watch as the clock ticks closer and closer to James’ victory ready to do what is right: blow a fucking zip liner through our skulls.”

Abernathy says he has prepared for this day for years, but only recently realized all of Cleveland needs to feel this.  “I remember watching the end of Avengers when New York City was destroyed.  That’s what LeBron did to us.  Except he only attacked puppies.”*

*The Avengers sequence was filmed in Cleveland making this statement… not irony, not poetic justice… but tid bit worthy.  

All of Cleveland will be watching tonight gun and bullet in hand hoping Russell Westbrook or God does not let them down.  Abernathy wanted to stress how important this might be: “if LeBron wins, then all of Cleveland will die.  This city will be a ghost town.  And that’s something America cannot let happen.”

Sure.

The first picture I found of Cleveland

DEAD BEAT DAD JONATHAN QUICK ABANDONS STANLEY CUP IN PARK

“Um… hello? Murderers?”

Jonathan Quick may have won the Conn Smythe award but he sure is a deadbeat dad.  The lynchpin to the Kings’ Stanley Cup, Quick was the first member of the team to have the Stanley Cup; the goalie took the prized trophy to the park and left it alone for over three hours.  The Cup claims Quick told him to sit down while he “got some cigarettes.”

Quick never came back.

The Cup waited for over 45 minutes before it got worried; once it started getting darker, he sought out a payphone.  A local shop owner let the Cup wait in his corner store while right winger Dustin Brown showed up.

The Cup did not sleep a wink waiting for a phone call or a note.  Brown finally admitted that “his dad is gone” and he’ll be “bouncing around for a while.”

Quick was last seen working construction gigs and living out of his 1995 station wagon, never looking behind.

He plays so wild because he’s a NO GOOD BUM!

GREASY, FAKE BREASTED JERSEY “TRASH” FURIOUS BRONZED, FAKE BREASTED LA “SLUTS” WON

The Stanley Cup is over but the war between the coasts has just begun.  Greasy Jersey trash rioted late last night, furious their Devils lost to such “gross, bleached blonde whores.”

Countering, LA Kings faithful, who until very, very recently were unaware of the hockey franchise, rioted following their victory.  Kings’s fans added they hope “those greasy, fake titted Jersey bitches go back to their beach!”

“Eyes Up. Eyes Up. Eyes Up. Eyes Up…. What the hell’s the score?”

Jersey bitches was having none of that shit. “Okay, okay, okay, every LA girl, is trash. Done. That’s a fact. That’s a fucking fact. They’re gross and fake and all on diet pills and have to give a blow job to get work!” screamed Angie Anatolli, a local masseuse at Boardwalk Rubdowns.

I can’t believe they all actually showed! JER-Z PRIZZLE! Pride. I meant Pride.

Traci Lamps, an actress, claims she has followed the Kings all year and the Devils fans are the fairweather “hobags who are all gross with their fake tans and nails! Uh… get a reality show already biiiitch!”  Traci was unavailable for further comment since she received a call from boyfriend / manager.

It is good to see so much passion between hockey fans.  Congratulations to the big breasted, fake blondes of the Kings and our condolences to the big breasted, bronzed fans of the Devils.

The worst type of fan. The Cuba.