WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS: ST. LOUIS CARDINALS

Highlights of the 2011 season:

YAAAAAAAY!

February 20: Adam Wainwright’s injury forces everyone else to try hard.

March 7: Albert Pujols survives slight fender bender.

April 2: Play baseball in the NL Central.

May 8: Albert Pujols battles back from runny nose

 June 8th: Tony La Russa double switches enough to let everyone play.

July 12: Albert Pujols not killed

August 5: Colby Rasmus traded; team finally able to gossip about him.

August 18: Oft traded Edwin Jackson (5 teams in 4 years) arrives with awesome camping gear.

September 30: Braves collapse.

October 29: Everyone forgot about the 1-7 Rams.

June 1999: Albert Pujols drafted.

Looking at that reminds him: “I am not on the Cubs!”

What’s Next?

Sell Rams to Los Angeles and give empty stadium to Pujols as “guest home.” That should make him stay.

Tour Anheiser Busch brewery and its’ many nearby retail outlets.

Find out who misspelled CARDINALS on World Series Champion shirts. “World Series Champion Crdinals” looks silly.

Expect to be “unliked” by Rangers team on facebook.

Feel really guilty if Josh Hamilton relapses.

“It’s not that great, only 247 bathrooms. Now the upstairs…”

The President of GM Operations

Congrats to the Cards and World Series MVP David Freese! A st. Louis native? Check! Life long Cards fan? Check! The winner of this year’s golden sandwich? CHECK! Enjoy that triple decker pastrami, turkey, bacon, lettuce, tomato with Russian dressing kid. You and that hot corner of yours deserve it!*

*Third base. I’m talking about third base. However the Dowd has nothing against any sexual orientation. Got to try the whole menu before you find out what “the usual” is going to be.

– Rick Dowdman

Stats 360%

The Cardinals’ season hinged on two things: Lance Berkman’s phenomenal comeback year and the Atlanta Braves September collapse. Both are unlikely to completely replicate, as Berkman’s fielding enters whatever the opposite of black hole is territory and the Braves’ young pitchers are only getting stronger. The best method is Pujolsian transplants for all players. The procedure, performed by Dr. James Andrews, will take some of Prince Albert’s blood and infuse it into the body’s of the other players. Perhaps they will take it a step further and use bone marrow; needless to say, this should be done before free agency begins and Pujols potentially leaves.

– Stats 360%

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