Brewers slugger and reigning NL MVP Ryan Braun tested positive for a banned substance, but not performance enhancing drugs.  Here’s what might have happened:

Braun went to Taco Bell and ate the Crunchwrap Supreme, a specifically banned substance for all people desiring to live over 30

Jewish grandmother saw he was “thin as a stick” and when she couldn’t convince him to “eat something” she poisoned his food

Must’ve switched his steroid and heroin syringes

Trying to compensate for loss of Prince fielder by hitting 102 home runs next season

Realized he was insanely likable and said “f*** that!”

Rolls on the clubhouse floor like an animal when he doesn’t get what he wants; probably rolled onto some extra testosterone

Realized all publicity is good publicity, jumping out of a moving car next week

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