AMAR’E STOUDEMIRE BLEEDS ON FIRE

Amare’s Basbeball stitching tattoo

Knicks center / forward Amar’e Stoudemire injured his right hand in the locker room after punching glass in front of a fire extinguisher.  However, many players now defend Stoudemire’s life svaing decision: “There was a small fire near Carmelo‘s locker,” says defensive player of the year Tyson Chandler. “Amar’e is a smart guy: he knows the safest way to put out a fire is to slash open your hand and bleed on it.”

“Fire extinguishers are notoriously unreliable,” says head coach Mike Woodson.  “Good thing Amar’e took a few classes on fire safety: blood puts out fires.”

This is the second heroic incident Amar’e has pulled since arriving in New York.  Last season a little girl lost her cat in a tree.  Stoudemire arrived at the scene, immediately slashed open his hand and bled all over the little girl.  While the cat was never seen again, she never missed her cat again.

The armed services repeatedly asked Mr. Stoudemire to travel to Iraq and bleed on IED’s, but it would interfere with the regular season.

Stay a hero Amar’e.  Stay a hero.

The Amare we deserve, but not the one we need right now

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LINSANITY: CARMELO AND AMARE FIRST TO DIE

Linsanity is sweeping New York City and the NBA and the first casualties are Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire.  Point guard Jeremy Lin has infected the league with a rare disease known as “Linsanity” which includes the following symptoms: having an actual point guard, passing, working with a system D’Antoni actually likes, and proving even when they win the Knicks can somehow piss away $36,736,279 in a season. *

*Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire’s combined salary provided by ESPN.  

"Hey do you feel weird?" "My pee is blue." "Oh."

While many are still in the manic or “exciting” stage, looks like the first fatalities of the disease will be Carmelo Anthony and Amare Stoudemire.  Both superstars entered the decline phase of the disease yesterday after Lin’s fifth consecutive great performance.  Anthony, injured, and Stoudemire, always effing* injured, were sitting on the bench watching a new leader take hold of the Knicks.  Both Knicks training staff and the two all-stars knew something was wrong and they were rushed back into the trainer’s office.

*Fucking.

The medical staff noticed both Anthony had been inflicted with the decline phase of Linsanity but Stoudemire was far worse.  The Knicks ordered Amare be put under in order to avoid further pain; it was an easy call to make.  Anthony’s status is unknown.  “We’ll just have to see where this goes,” said coach D’Antoni, “if Linsanity ends we’d be happy to have Carmelo guide us to the 7th seed, if Linsanity continues?  We’re just going to have to shoot him like a horse.”