TERRELL SUGGS AND BOUNTY HITS, OCEAN’S 11 STYLE

Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs claims “all teams put bounties on guys, we put out hits, jobs…. a heist, if you will.”  The aggressive defender claims the Ravens go through extensive measures to make sure they get their target during the game.  Suggs adjusted his suit, tie, fedora and claimed he “might” just have another job sometime this week.

“Where you think you’re going?”  said an angry NFL official.

Suggs turned and smile: “Getting the band back together.”

THE HACKER

Ed Reed: The Hacker

Suggs arrived at safety Ed Reed’s house first.  Reed’s known by fans for his physicality, but on the field, he’s a calculating maniac.

Reed: “I thought you were out of the game? Going clean.”

Suggs: “Can’t stay out for too long, the job passes you by.”

They toast and Suggs proposed the mission: a full on hit and heist on Super Bowl winning quarterback Eli Manning.

Reed: “Must be true what they say, you have gone nuts.”

Suggs: “That mean you in?”

Reed: “I’ll get my helmet.”

THE BRUISER

Haloi Ngata: The Brusier

Suggs and Reed entered a crowded casino where Haloti Ngata sat in a Hawaiin t-shirt playing blackjack.

Suggs: “still counting cards I see.”

Ngata: “I don’t know what you’re… Hey! TS! When you get out of Goodell’s shit house?”

Suggs: “As far as he’s concerned I’m still there.”

Ngata: “did the ol’ James Harrison Mop Job, eh? Classic.”

Suggs: “We’re pulling a hit. We need a bruiser.”

Ngata: “A bruiser? Going old school, eh. Classic TS.”

Reed: “You in? Or you too busy with your cards?”

Ngata: “Who’s the kid?”

Suggs: “He’s with me.”

Ngata, holding a King, slips his card over: ACE.  Blackjack.

Ngata: “looks like I’m done here.”

THE VETERAN

Ray Lewis: The Veteran

Suggs, alone now, enters Ray Lewis‘ house.

Lewis: “I know what you’re gonna say.  Answer’s no.”

Suggs: “Come on Ray, we been through a lot.”

Lewis: “I’m too old for this shit!  My body.. it ain’t what it was.”

Suggs: “One last job. For me.”

Suggs hands Lewis a spit covered mouthguard.  Lewis puts it in.

Lewis: “whet’s schoo it.”

The four players all entered the stadium wearing suits, ties and fedoras.

Suggs: “let’s do it.”

PART 11 TOMORROW: THE HEIST!

RAY LEWIS’ PRE GAME SPEECH KILLS 7

Ray Lewis killed 7 during an impassioned speech before yesterday’s 23-20 win by the Ravens. 6-2 Baltimore sneaked away with a win against the Steelers in yet another hard fought game against the two physical teams; the most physical part being Lewis’ speech. “Ray’s an intense guy,” says safety Ed Reed, “he’s very vocal and psyches us up before the game, if you can’ handle the intensity and suffer a brain aneurysm, than you can’t handle the game.”

Ray Lewis shopping in a Target

Lewis, known as the emotional core of the Ravens defense, is legendary for his intensity. While watching Inception on a cross country flight the linebacker cheered so much 3 flight attendants were murdered. He is banned from all theme parks after riding the rollercoasters following his 2000 Super Bowl trip to Disney World killed 11.

Related: Ray Lewis waking up from a nap.

– Mike Sweeney

SAD SONG RUINS GAME

It's like getting maced with emotion!

During the halftime of Monday’s Ravens-Jaguars game, a sad song blasted on the PA system ruining the game. Tears of an Angel came on causing players, coaches and fans to burst into tears as the teams head toward the locker rooms. The PA coordinator meant to play Guns N Roses’ Welcome to the Jungle, but grabbed an incorrectly labeled track. The song blast through the speakers as the coordinator desperately tried to turn off the music; the damage was done.

Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis dropped to his knees crying at the beauty of the lyrics.

The river will flow to the sea
I wont let you fly
I wont say goodbye
I wont let you slip away from me

Many players embraced each other; many needing someone “to hold them.” Jaguars coach Jack Del Rio visibly had tears and sprinted straight into the tunnel. He came back with red eyes demanding to know why the tunnel was so “dusty. Damn allergies.”

The game was abruptly called during a teary-eyed address from the head referee. The stoic whistle blower held it in as much as he could, but broke down as the song again came on. This is the second PA snafu is as many days, leading to what This Is The Sports is coining PA-GATE.

– Mike Sweeney

BANE, RAVENS HANDLE STEELERS

The new face guard now at Foot Locker!

The Baltimore Ravens and Pittsburgh Steelers participated in their twice-a-year grudge match to start the 2011 season, capped by a shocking move by the Ravens: Baltimore fielded newly signed linebacker / fullback Bane, the ultimate killing machine featured in 2012’s film The Dark Knight Rises. Coach Jim Harbaugh, a massive Christopher Nolan fan,* spent most of the summer checking spy photos from the blockbuster film’s location shoot in Pittsburgh. After seeing the villain in action, Harbaugh knew he had to sign him and send him against his former city-mates.

In the first quarter Bane seemed overmatched and unfamiliar with the Steelers’ blitz schemes. But from the second quarter on he proved he was merely testing his enemy by brutally breaking Hines Ward’s back and snapping Troy Polamalu’s legs. Bane made sure only to maim players in order to intimidate and not receive a penalty flag.

The move clearly paid of with a 34 – 7 win by the League of Shadows.

– Mike Sweeney

*From even before Batman Begins you posers!