JIM HARBAUGH SPITS ON CHILD

THEY DIDN'T SHAKE HANDS! EVERYONE BACK! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THEY DID NOT SHAKE HANDS!!!!!

49ers head coach Jim Harbaugh was involved in not one, but two slightly excessive celebrations yesterday. After jumping up and down and possibly showing up Lions coach Jim Schwartz following the Niners win in a terrific game,* Harbaugh strolled down through his neighborhood whistling dixie with a pep in his step; the former Stanford coach saw a young group of schoolgirls playing double dutch in the school yard and since the young coach prides himself on being your “everyday neighbor,” he joined the girls for a game. After multiple tries, a stretching session and loud, creative obscenities, Harbaugh finally beat little Stacey’s record; the coach released epic chants of “LOZA! LOZA” toward the child, kicked dirt in her eyes and spit on her face. He then chest bumped the other two girls, who immediately collapsed onto the concrete. Harbaugh then ran into the street screaming “I AM A TITAN!” saying he needed to get home to down a 5 hour energy and watch 300.

Harbaugh’s actions against Schwartz will heretofore be known as JIM-GATE, easily becoming one of the most famous handshake controversies ever.** Harbaugh is previously famous for WHAT’SYOURDEAL-GATE in which he and resident NFL dude Pete Carroll had an awkward moment during post game handshakiness.

– Mike Sweeney

The video:

*When was the last time those two ahve played a good game? And against each other? Oh football.

**Also one of the rare ones not involving Belechik

“SPECIAL TEAMS” DEEMED OFFENSIVE

In an official ruling by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the term “special teams” has been deemed offensive and will no longer be used. “For too long we have used derogatory language to describe our nation’s punters, kickers, returners and long snappers,” proclaimed Goodell. “Not to mention the horde of backup lineman and linebackers.” The term describes the transitional plays during football such as punt, kickoff and return plays. Former Seahawks longsnapper Matt Overton, and tricksnap aficionado, said “in 2007 I refused to move to the back of the bus with the rest of the special teams. We had our own lockers, our own water bottles, our own towels… We were second class citizens and we said ‘no more!'”

This man is a pro

This is a great triumph for those who’ve long felt disheartened by the treatment of these players. “We’re like a powerplay team in hockey, or playing man-up in basketball,” yelled Chicago Bears return legend Devin Hester, “not some bastard child field goal and units and backup players!” Even Patriots coach Bill Belechik admitted he was thrilled, as he repeatedly has used many starting players on special teams in order to “make it less retarded.”

For those who do not think special teams matter, the 2010 Chargers went 9-7 despite a league leading offense and defense; their special teams was so retarded they still missed the playoffs. Potential name changes include: TACTICAL POSITIONS; TRANSITIONAL GAMESMAN; ESSENTIAL RESERVE DEPLOYMENT; FUN TIME FAST GUYS

Related:

– Mike Sweeney

For more exciting special teams news, see longsnapper.com.