TEBOW CANNOT UNDERSTAND LOSS

So why was Tebow the role model again?In an odd scene outside the Denver Broncos practice facility, Denver quarterback Tim Tebow met with the press upbeat and ready for his upcoming playoff game against the New England Patriots.  “You dream about these games all your life and when you get the chance to play in them, you just want to go out there and give it your all,” said a smiling Tebow.  When asked about the Broncos 45-10 loss against New England this past weekend, Tebow appeared to be confused, “Coach Fox said that was just a scrimmage.  And good thing it was; I played pretty awful in it.  We’ll shake it off and get ready to make some adjustments for when we get them again this weekend.”

“Honestly, management felt it was best if Tim didn’t know that we got knocked out of the playoffs,” said Denver Head Coach, John Fox, “We were afraid that if he lost, there could be a chance of him denouncing his religion, getting into meth and crack, and being found somewhere dead, with hookers, or with dead hookers.  The NFL has a great star in Tim Tebow; we didn’t want to be the reason for his supernova.”

Tom Brady is a great QB, but I feel like that I’m just as good on the football field,” continued Tebow when asked about the Patriots, “I mean, when you watch Sportscenter, they show highlights of me all the time.  That has to tell you something about my football playing ability.”  Broncos owner and former player John Elway will be giving the annual state of franchise speech this Wednesday.  When asked about the Tebow playoff contingency plan, Elway was vague in his answer.  “Right now, we’re going to try and keep Tim in the film room preparing for this weekend.  We have some ideas for how to approach the situation: telling him that Jesus won the Superbowl, telling him that the Superbowl was cancelled and every NFL team will do community service, using a neuralyzer and creating a new memory for him.  Whatever we do, it’s in the best interest of the league to make sure he doesn’t find out that he sucks.”

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JAMES DOLAN HIRES ERIC MANGINI

Take a look at my FINGER!

Knicks owner James Dolan has hired Eric Mangini as head of the New York Knicks. Dolan cited Mangini’s experience coaching in New York when he was with Jets, his years under defensive mastermind Bill Belichick and his no nonsense approach to coaching football. “All these things should make the Knicks a better basketball team,” said an enthusiastic and sober(?) Dolan.

Dolan thinks Mangini can reinvigorate Carmelo Anthony and really get the best out of Dikembe Mutumbo. Mutumbo, of course, is the legendary center who is currently retired and last played for the Knicks in 2003. When asked if he knew this, Dolan claims he has no idea who Mutumbo is and firmly denied ever talking about him. Dolan then reminded the crowd that JD and the Straight Shot have an upcoming gig and they “totally need to be there! Say my name at the door and tickets are half off!”

Mangini elaborated that he’s honored to coach this franchise and lead them to the playoffs. Bill Belichick heard the news this morning and is currently lobbying to be Boston Celtics coach just to “kick Mangini’s fat ass.”

– Mike Sweeney