CHEERLEADER WRITES AUTOBIOGRAPHY

WEEEEEEEE!!!!
And… WEEEEEEEE!!!!

Milwaukee Bucks cheerleader Tanya Delora Masters has just released her upcoming autobiography: CHEER: ALL OF YOU LOOKING AT ME: CHEER, CHEER FOR ME!  It is a free-flowing, oral history of her time spent on the court with no subject too taboo and no area off limits.  Tanya Deloras, or TD, new book has been praised by critics for its honesty and moving narrative.

“If Chuck Palahniuk‘s gleeful chaos had TS Eliot’s prose, with really sweet tits, then you’d have this book,” says film critic Carlos Louterr.

The book opens with TD during a game in January 2010, only to jump between her discovering a love of jumping short hops while smiling, a complete professional analysis of shin-high boots and a list of the top 100 cheerleaders to have smile to an anonymous crowd.

An excerpt:

Hop.  

That’s what we do.  What I do.  Hop.  Inch, two inches, occasionally swooped and carried ten feet off the ground.  That is where I live.  In the one inch jumps.  In between two shakey, poofy, purple hands known as pom poms is a person.  A person with a name: Milwaukee Bucks.  

Tonight that is my name, my mission, my liege, my victory.  Tonight you will scream at me.  You will drink beer, eat nachos, and scream. 

I live between that inch. 

The book is on shelves today.

SHAQ’S NEW BOOK CONTAINS BIG BOY SENTENCES

Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.

Excerpts:

When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney