BRYCE HARPER YOUNGEST DOUCHEBAG IN MLB HISTORY

Bryce Harper is officially the youngest douchebag in MLB history.  The Washington Nationals 19 year old centerfielder is playing remarkably well for his age, and sure is acting like he’ll be a douchebag for years to come.

That a bro? He coming at me?

It took Alex Rodriguez years to fully realize his douche potential, but Harper does not require big money or a key media market to act like a dickhead.  Late last night the phenom hit a home run and demanded his teammates carry him “chariot style” across the diamond; a gesture not seen since Manny Ramirez left the Red Sox.

Many say it was his hard work in the minors that made him such an insufferable prick.  He really made his mark by showboating, posing after home runs and blowing a kiss to a pitcher before he made it to the majors.  Experts expect him to demand teammates be traded through the media as early as next season.

“I wouldn’t be shocked if he started jerking off after every home run,” says ESPN’s John Kruk.  “We haven’t seen that since Gary Sheffield‘s hey day.”

If anyone can remove his penis on the field of play and spend 3 to 4 minutes stroking himself until ejaculation, it is Bryce Harper.

YANKS TO ADD “MORE BIG NAMES” THIS OFF-SEASON

The New York Yankees off season began early this year and their plan is loud and clear: MORE BIG NAMES. The pinstripes plan on making a “more than generous” offer to anyone they have heard of; you got a name, you’re getting a check.”We’re going to give every free agent $12 million and then we can begin negotiations,” said aggressive GM Brian Cashman. “We want everyone to know we’re going to aggressive on the free agent front. Especially with stars this year.”

Aaaaaand HIGH FIVE!

Former rival and possible free agent (he has a club option) David Ortiz woke up Tuesday morning with $40,000 in singles lying in his bed. “All I saw was a pinstriped note saying ‘hey'” cited Ortiz. “It was kinda creepy.”

The Bronx Bombers won’t stop there: Cliff Lee has reportedly told the Yankees every day for the past month that he is not eligible for free agency this year. “We. Don’t. Care,” said president Randy Levine. “Cliff Lee will be a Yankee next season [Levine immediately stared into our reporter’s eyes] whether he likes it or not.”

Pitching is the number one priority for next season, which is why the Yanks have already sent formal offers, $12 million in cash and birthday cake to the homes of Mark Buehrle, Bruce Chen, Edwin Jackson, Rich Harden, Brett Favre and David Beckham.

– Mike Sweeney

IPAD APP TO TELL USERS WHEN TO CARE ABOUT BASEBALL

Baseball! America! Hot dogs and apple pie totally aren't European in origin, yeah!

Find yourself frustrated by having to pay attention to three-and-a-half-hour bouts of staring, nodding, and spitting, every day from the middle Spring to the middle of Fall?  There’s an app for that.

For a growing number of young people and working professionals, watching one full game of baseball, let alone a whole 162-game season, is a Kafka-esque task designed to drive an unsuspecting sports fan to madness.  Ironically, it’s a Kafka, Chris Kafka, who hopes to put an end to it.  Kafka, a 26-year-old web developer from Virginia but now living in New York City, was frustrated that his older colleagues and unemployed peers would frequently cycle back to America’s past Pastime as a topic of conversation.  “They would talk incessantly about games and pennant outlooks and whoever the f*** is the hot young pitcher of this five minutes.  Like I can stay up ’til two a.m. every night keeping up with that s***!  So I decided to write an app that will alert you when anything worth anything happens in the world of baseball.”

Take this season; amazing how the Tampa Bay Rays and New York Yankees managed to slip into the postseason around the collapsing Red Sox in a thrilling Wednesday night (Wednesday? Really?) of baseball, right?   Kafka’s app would alert you Thursday morning of the pertinent scores and facts.  It would also let you know that the Sox apparently suck now, and everyone hates them– invaluable information to anyone who was last compelled to care about baseball when everyone was remarking how awesome Boston was after winning their second World Series in 4 years.  A week and change later, the app would inform you that both the Yankees and the plucky Rays had washed out of the playoffs, and it was safe to ignore baseball again until the World Series begins.

Maybe even longer.

Kafka points out that most of the thousands of games played in a major league season are laughably meaningless, but when something notable does happen, he is expected by colleagues and friends to know everything about it.  “Someone mentioned the [Kansas City] Royals once, and I thought they were making a Pulp Fiction reference,” he recounts, more annoyed than embarrassed.  Kafka played his mistake off, but vowed it would never happen again.  “Having this app is like bringing a porn-star-sized dildo to the dick-measuring contest” that is modern baseball fandom, he says.  The young web-developer hopes the iPhone and iPad apps will be approved in time for Opening Day next season; a version for the Android platform is in the works.

–Rony Josaphat, who, by the way, genuinely loves soccer.

BOSTON GLOBE SPORTS SECTION COVERED IN FECES

In order the save fans their morning commute, the Boston Globe smeared liquid, chunk-flled feces on every sports section this morning. Since the Boston Red Sox stunning September collapse, the Globe has had such brilliant coverage as accusing Terry Francona of being addicted to pills via anonymous sources, accusing many players of failing to lead via anonymous sources, claiming Arian Gonzalez‘s brillaint year at the plate is discreted due to poor leadership and, yesterday, accusing Josh Beckett of being too fat.*

The two most obvious drug addict, 9/11 causing, KKK members I have ever seen. Damn you for causing the Sox collapse!

Today the paper took the coverage up a notch and had every sports reporter, led by legend Dan Shaughnessy, eat burritos, hot pockets and drink twelve cups of coffee in order to sprinkle enough feces to cover each individual paper. The online editions feature the Two Girls One Cup **video with a Dan Shaughnessy voice over.

The round the clock reporting has been journalism at its best: each anonymous source giving factual information we would never have heard, say… if they won.

The Boston Herald, often behind the Globe’s genius coverage, admitted “ew.”

– Mike Sweeney

*Seriously, click the link. The Boston Globe used ink, paper and manpower to explore if Josh Beckett was too fat. World War Z is soon…

**For the uninitiated: DO NOT GOOGLE THIS. For parents: DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS GOOGLE THIS!

Related: Braves jealous over Red Sox collapse.

RUMOR: EPSTEIN LEAVING BOSTON JUST A RUMOR (MAYBE!)

Sources say the rumors of Boston Red Sox GM Theo Epstein leaving for the Chicago Cubs are just rumblings in the wind. However, sources also say there is truth to the rumblings, and Epstein may jump ship, supposedly. All sources agree that “the right deal must be in place.”

This Is The Sports’ sourcing policy forbids us from naming the source, but rumors have it he works in the Boston front office. But other sources say that source is merely elaborating, and that the source is probably a local columnist. Both rumors are unfounded.

We are told this is Epstein, according to sources familiar with our source

All sources point to Theo abandoning the Sox for a small time in 2005-2006 but our sources tell us he has since returned. Possibly.

– Mike Sweeney

 

NEW YORK METS ONE UPPED, ACCEPT CHALLENGE

A day after two of the greatest collapses in Major League Baseball history were solidified within an hour and a half of each other, the New York Mets, the Michaelengelos of the choke job, laughed off the notion that they now had company.

The Mets: Crashing and Burning Even Before They Came Into Existence

“Blowing a 10 game lead with a month left?  Please, I won’t be impressed until they do it again next year,” said first base coach Mookie Wilson.  Relief pitcher Manny Acosta went on to say that his team could double down on Bostonand Atlanta’s “bet” by blowing a 22 game lead next year.  Catcher Ronny Paulino said that next season’s team would make the 07 and 08 Mets look like “a group of competent f***s.”   He ensured reporters that the Mets would win zero games next September.

Measures are already being taken to ensure this historic collapse: businessman Omar Minaya is looking to buy a majority holding in the Madoff crippled organization, Moises Alou has been hired as equipment manager, and Julio Franco will be brought in to bat cleanup.  It is unclear what role Miguel Cairo will play, but it is reported to be “significant.”

Not one member of the team mentioned how they planned to put the team in a position to initiate their collapse.*

– Chris Bacarella

*Classic Mets, everyone stays mum but we all know it’s coming.

JONATHAN PAPELPON HAS NO PROBLEM WITH “QUEAHS” IN LOCKER ROOM

Red Sox closer Jonathan Papelbon says he has no problem with “queahs” in the locker room. Papelbon assured he nor any of

The most forward thinking man in sports

his teammates have any prejudice; all they care about is performance on the field.

“So long as he doesn’t throw like a homo I don’t care who he bangs,” said the reliever. “We’re a team and we support each other no matter what.” Papelbon claims people must be more tolerant of “homos” and urges people to support their local community. “Get out there and help those dudes. Maybe they’ll buy you a beah!”

Not only does Papelbon support homosexuals in baseball, but he wants more right now. “Course I want more people telling what a great ass I gawt! I wouldn’t do anything, but a complement’s a complement whether it comes from a hottie or a sissy.”

Saturday Morning Cartoons!!!

His fellow teammates agreed: “You know what he means,” said a sighing Tim Wakefield. “Just don’t print any exact quotes.”

– Mike Sweeney