Ravens linebacker Terrell Suggs claims “all teams put bounties on guys, we put out hits, jobs…. a heist, if you will.”  The aggressive defender claims the Ravens go through extensive measures to make sure they get their target during the game.  Suggs adjusted his suit, tie, fedora and claimed he “might” just have another job sometime this week.

“Where you think you’re going?”  said an angry NFL official.

Suggs turned and smile: “Getting the band back together.”


Ed Reed: The Hacker

Suggs arrived at safety Ed Reed’s house first.  Reed’s known by fans for his physicality, but on the field, he’s a calculating maniac.

Reed: “I thought you were out of the game? Going clean.”

Suggs: “Can’t stay out for too long, the job passes you by.”

They toast and Suggs proposed the mission: a full on hit and heist on Super Bowl winning quarterback Eli Manning.

Reed: “Must be true what they say, you have gone nuts.”

Suggs: “That mean you in?”

Reed: “I’ll get my helmet.”


Haloi Ngata: The Brusier

Suggs and Reed entered a crowded casino where Haloti Ngata sat in a Hawaiin t-shirt playing blackjack.

Suggs: “still counting cards I see.”

Ngata: “I don’t know what you’re… Hey! TS! When you get out of Goodell’s shit house?”

Suggs: “As far as he’s concerned I’m still there.”

Ngata: “did the ol’ James Harrison Mop Job, eh? Classic.”

Suggs: “We’re pulling a hit. We need a bruiser.”

Ngata: “A bruiser? Going old school, eh. Classic TS.”

Reed: “You in? Or you too busy with your cards?”

Ngata: “Who’s the kid?”

Suggs: “He’s with me.”

Ngata, holding a King, slips his card over: ACE.  Blackjack.

Ngata: “looks like I’m done here.”


Ray Lewis: The Veteran

Suggs, alone now, enters Ray Lewis‘ house.

Lewis: “I know what you’re gonna say.  Answer’s no.”

Suggs: “Come on Ray, we been through a lot.”

Lewis: “I’m too old for this shit!  My body.. it ain’t what it was.”

Suggs: “One last job. For me.”

Suggs hands Lewis a spit covered mouthguard.  Lewis puts it in.

Lewis: “whet’s schoo it.”

The four players all entered the stadium wearing suits, ties and fedoras.

Suggs: “let’s do it.”



The New Orleans Saints have contracted local badass Omar Little to find out who snitched on their bounty program.  Little, a man known for getting answers and carrying a shotgun, has worked with many franchises before for internal investigations.  “We are currently trying to find answers on our end,” said Saints coach Sean Payton.  “We believed Mr. Little can provide a valuable service.  His reputation speaks for itself with his involvement taking down the Barksdale organization, a substantial service taking down the Stanfield organization, obliterating the Wilson organ…” “I ain’t had nothing to do with that,” interrupted Little.  Payton, and everyone, stared at Omar confused and concerned.


"Jonathan Vilma? We need to have a little talking to."

An NFL investigation alleges the Saints were involved in a bounty program; financial rewards were given to defensive players who hurt opposing players, including possibly ending the careers of Kurt Warner and the first ever Tebow, Brett Favre.  Little has been seen whistling through the Saints facilities searching for those who may have ‘snitched’ on the organization.  He allegedly snuck into the locker room dressed as a janitor, revealing the mop to be a shotgun and demanded answers from several special teams members.


*Unrelated: Saints special teams player Byron Tate was recently shot in the leg in the team’s locker room.  

Little refused to disclose whether or not he had any answers or leads; he just stared at me.  Right in the eyes.  I peed… I urinated my pants when he looked at me…

The NFL has no problem with Little surveying the team, so long as he does not interfere with their own investigation.  Last time and NFL squad contacted Omar Little several Seattle Seahawks were involved in severe bribary scandals.*

*Never heard about that did you?  Oh, indeed.

Little wanted it to be known that his investigation will not be called “Omargate.”  When he decides on an appropriate suffix he will find us… who’s whistling?