JEWISH GOLFER SPENDS 40 YEARS IN SANDTRAP

Jewish professional golfer David Sherman spent the last 40 years lost in a small sand trap just outside the 15th green.  Sherman finally exited the bunker early this morning looking old, haggard and exhausted.

“I think I see my ball! It’s ten years that way!”

40 years ago to the day Sherman decided to layup his shot with a 6 iron; a risky move that his caddy at the time thoroughly discouraged.  “There was a group behind us in a hurry, and we couldn’t let them pass us,” says Sherman.  “My people have been through enough.  We will not turn back.”

Sherman hooked it slightly as the ball landed longer than the golfer intended: dead center of the bunker.  Sherman embarked on his journey with his caddy searching for the ball.  Thus his adventure began.

The caddy questioned Sherman’s knowledge of the bunker, saying they could easily take two steps to the right.  Sherman relented.  “I call the shots.”

When he finally got the “promised land” or the 15th green, Sherman said all he wants to do is make par.  The caddy died.

“I’m not sure this is the way, I’m gonna turn around”

GOLFERS TRADE CADDIES

"Smile Jeff" "It's Chris" "Shut the fuck up Jeff"

In a shocking deadline move Bo Van Pelt and Rickie Fowler have swapped caddies. The two world ranked challengers admitted their current slumps called for a change; both caddies were stunned. “Never thought I’d leave that squad ya know,” said one of the teary eyed nameless caddies.* “The team, the bag, the clubs, the golfer… classy organization through and through.” Considering both bag carriers’ current high salaries, which is insane, Van Pelt will also receive a minor league caddy or a high numbered iron to be named later. After completion of the trade neither golfer remembered which caddy was his.

Both caddies cried.

– Mike Sweeney

*He insisted on giving us a name. We insisted we will forget, it does not matter caddy. 

PGA ENCOURAGES CADDY TO INSULT TIGER SOME MORE

"I make enough to bail out 12 states! But I deserve it!"

The PGA persuaded Tiger Woods’ former caddy Steve Williams to continue publicly insulting the golfer for the good of golf. The PGA has felt a stark ratings decline since Woods’ public revelations of infidelity followed by months of disappointing on-field performance; neither provided the thrilling comebacks that make golf exciting for viewers. So the PGA took drastic measures: told Steve Williams to continue s***ing on Woods.

“We need Mr. Williams to step up for golf and call Tiger a ‘motherf***er’ or make implications that he is a homosexual,” said commissioner Joe Steranka. “Do it not for Woods, but for golf and the children who love it. Call Tiger Woods a ‘prick’ again.”

Williams’ comments drew heavy publicity for golf; attention it has not seen since Tiger’s hey-day. When asked if he violated the caddy-code* Williams said, “I am a caddy, a hired gun, a mercenary with no master. Loyalty means nothing!”

HADOUKEN!!!

Steranka added: “we finally had a villain and amazing champ all at once, that would’ve been ratings gold. Then Tiger goes and sucks. What else can do except drag this on through bitter, pathetic gripes from safeguarded distances?!”

How else indeed?

– Mike Sweeney

*More sacred than scout’s honor or joining the Mafia