Early this morning God, omnipotent, everlasting ruler of all that is known and unknown, praise be to him, declared Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is not the second coming; Rex Grossman is. After another remarkable Denver comeback in the fourth quarter fans were forced to assume Tebow’s success and devout faith must be proof that God chose him to be a successful QB. Because there is no other rational explanation. None.
God came down from on high to nip those rumors in the bud, declaring that “his son, messenger and favorite quarterback is none other than the Sex Cannon himself: Sexy Rexy, Rex Grossman.” Fans were stunned. Grossman, the Washington Redskins QB known for his pathetic attempts at impersonating Brett Favre’s dumbest throws, was not surprised. “It’s only further proof that I got to keep playing my game,” said the calm quarterback. Needless to say, every Redskins fan has given up on God, faith and logic. “If God chose Rex Grossman than up is down and socks are hand grenades!” screamed Father Seamus Doherty as he spray painted a police car.
Tebow was unable to reached for comment but our sources say he is inconsolable. “He definitely thought he was God’s QB of choice,” said a source wishing to remain anonymous. “I think deep down he knows something is making them win. But now it must be some sort of Eastern mysticism or black, Satan magic.” When asked if he thought the winning streak had anything to do with Denver’s recent opponents having terrible quarterback play of their own and an incredible defense of late, the source’s brain exploded splattering only “TEBOW IS A WINNER” in blood and brains on the floor.
God allowed one question before his return to the heavens. A frail, elderly woman asked the Lord what the meaning of the universe was. He responded: “Ask the gays! They’ll tell ya!”