GOD ANNOUNCES REX GROSSMAN IS THE SAVIOR

To be fair, God has not seen this yet....

Hashtag AWKWARD!

Early this morning God, omnipotent, everlasting ruler of all that is known and unknown, praise be to him, declared Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is not the second coming; Rex Grossman is.  After another remarkable Denver comeback in the fourth quarter fans were forced to assume Tebow’s success and devout faith must be proof that God chose him to be a successful QB.  Because there is no other rational explanation.  None.

God came down from on high to nip those rumors in the bud, declaring that “his son, messenger and favorite quarterback is none other than the Sex Cannon himself: Sexy Rexy, Rex Grossman.” Fans were stunned.  Grossman, the Washington Redskins QB known for his pathetic attempts at impersonating Brett Favre’s dumbest throws, was not surprised.  “It’s only further proof that I got to keep playing my game,” said the calm quarterback.  Needless to say, every Redskins fan has given up on God, faith and logic.  “If God chose Rex Grossman than up is down and socks are hand grenades!” screamed Father Seamus Doherty as he spray painted a police car.

F******K YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!

Tebow was unable to reached for comment but our sources say he is inconsolable.  “He definitely thought he was God’s QB of choice,” said a source wishing to remain anonymous.  “I think deep down he knows something is making them win.  But now it must be some sort of Eastern mysticism or black, Satan magic.”  When asked if he thought the winning streak had anything to do with Denver’s recent opponents having terrible quarterback play of their own and an incredible defense of late, the source’s brain exploded splattering only “TEBOW IS A WINNER” in blood and brains on the floor.

God allowed one question before his return to the heavens.  A frail, elderly woman asked the Lord what the meaning of the universe was.  He responded: “Ask the gays!  They’ll tell ya!”

The crowd stared in silence as God adjusted his collar saying “tough crowd.”  He then hopped on his silver surf board and flew off to another world as steward for Galactus.

Ride the wave God! RIDE IT!

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“SPECIAL TEAMS” DEEMED OFFENSIVE

In an official ruling by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, the term “special teams” has been deemed offensive and will no longer be used. “For too long we have used derogatory language to describe our nation’s punters, kickers, returners and long snappers,” proclaimed Goodell. “Not to mention the horde of backup lineman and linebackers.” The term describes the transitional plays during football such as punt, kickoff and return plays. Former Seahawks longsnapper Matt Overton, and tricksnap aficionado, said “in 2007 I refused to move to the back of the bus with the rest of the special teams. We had our own lockers, our own water bottles, our own towels… We were second class citizens and we said ‘no more!'”

This man is a pro

This is a great triumph for those who’ve long felt disheartened by the treatment of these players. “We’re like a powerplay team in hockey, or playing man-up in basketball,” yelled Chicago Bears return legend Devin Hester, “not some bastard child field goal and units and backup players!” Even Patriots coach Bill Belechik admitted he was thrilled, as he repeatedly has used many starting players on special teams in order to “make it less retarded.”

For those who do not think special teams matter, the 2010 Chargers went 9-7 despite a league leading offense and defense; their special teams was so retarded they still missed the playoffs. Potential name changes include: TACTICAL POSITIONS; TRANSITIONAL GAMESMAN; ESSENTIAL RESERVE DEPLOYMENT; FUN TIME FAST GUYS

Related:

– Mike Sweeney

For more exciting special teams news, see longsnapper.com.

JAY CUTLER HOPES TO FEEL EMOTION THIS YEAR; HAPPY PREFERRED

Chicago Bears QB Jay Cutler hopes to finally feel an emotion in the 2011 season. The stoic, baby-faced gunslinger hopes it will happiness. Friends and teammates are excited that “Jay finally wants to feel.” “It’s good he wants this,” said teammate Brian Urlacher. “It’s about time he became less machine and felt like a human.”

"You won the lottery Jay!" "Oh."

Defenders of the QB claim Cutler has a brilliant poker face, while detractors claims he has no desire or heart for the game. Nothing exemplified this controversy more than last year’s NFC Championship Game when Cutler’s guts were called into question by former and current players alike.

Cutler explained that was a difficult time for him. “It was whatever,” says the bland, chubby cheeked captain. He remains optimistic that this is the year he’ll finally feel. We asked Cutler what his second emotional choice would be: anger or sadness. “I don’t know. Either’s fine I guess.”

– Mike Sweeney