LEBRON’S A GOOD PERSON NOW!

NBA champion and overall great guy LeBron James is finally – FINALLY – a good person.  It took 7 years of worthless effort, hard work and a few public faux pas, but James finally turned a corner, overhauled his entire personality, accepted we were all right about him, and did what we wanted him to do: become a good person.

Coincidentally, James won his first NBA title last week, right before his transition into “good guyhood.”

While I have never met LeBron, or anyone who has met him,* but his body language the past few years was that of a cowardly, heartless, winningless character.  Putting it in zombie movie cliche terms, he was the soldier who who runs a small colony but his hubris gets in the way and the zombies eat him while the heroes sneak away.  Or in inner city family drama cliche terms, he’s the older brother who’s great but addicted to crack and lets the younger brother down, but might help the younger brother succeed (hence his fourth quarter failures.)**

*My cousin saw him in a mall once, he thinks.

**This also works for boxing movie cliche.  

I AM SO HAPPY I’LL EAT THIS MIC I DON’T GIVE A FUCK!

But now James language is of someone who did exactly what I always thought he should.  I am glad he did.  To be honest, I cannot believe I am not getting a ring.  I probably should as a team consultant or something.  This happened because of me.  I am important.

Teammate and fellow champ Chris Bosh, sadly, is still a GIF-able doushe.

In a surprising twist, recent events in Kevin Durant’s life make him seem so… unlikable.  Maybe he has no heart?  Flawed character?  Only time and Skip Bayless will tell.

GAME RECAP: LEBRON SAVES BABY BUT CAN’T FINISH WHEN IT COUNTS

Miami Heat superstar LeBron James brilliantly saved a baby today before losing it in the 4th.  The Heat star just cannot finish the game.

On a routine Friday morning jog, King James noticed a burning building.  Proving he is not that different than you or I, King James approached the fire because “it’s cool.”  However, firefighters and emergency response were unable to retrieve a baby caught on the 8th floor.  James sprung into action.

MINTY FRESH!!!

Adjusting his $4,000 sneakers and $6,000 shorts, James threw powder into the air and stormed the blaze.  Traditionally, LeBron takes his time in the opening minutes to learn his opponent, no exception here: LeBron played conservatively through the first floor opting for the stairs over the hotshot-elevator route.

In the next few floors / minutes James was in rare form: jumping over burning blocks, staying low on defense and avoiding smoke, he moved toward the child with the freakish athleticism he is known for.  The superstar then went to the roof and climbed down the fire ladder to safety.

Just before handing the baby off to its mother, James dropped the child.  Classic LeBron.

James handed off the child one handed, in some late game showmanship, only it backfired.  The child was especially wiggly and rolled out of his palm, face planting onto the concrete.  LeBron, stunned, posed for a few seconds with his hands at his sides before walking off the court disgusted with himself.  Most of the onlookers agreed, if he’d passed to Dwyane Wade, James wouldn’t have had to take the final shot.

Chris Bosh watched the event and laughed before onlookers asked who he was.  Despite assertions that he is an NBA superstar, no one confirmed it.

Wait... we're up by 50? Why did I still lose? THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE!!!!

SHAQ’S NEW BOOK CONTAINS BIG BOY SENTENCES

Shaquille O’Neal’s new book, Shaq Uncut: My Story, is already rife with controversy. The book features harsh criticisms of former teammate Kobe Bryant, former coach Kareem Abdul Jabbar and Pat Riley. However, the biggest shock comes from the book itself; Shaq uses numerous big boy sentences throughout. It is a stunning revelation in the world of the Shaqtus, long thought to be illiterate.

“I made it through dozens of paragraphs,” said Barnes and Noble shopper Kelly Brockton. “It’s not perfect, but the man used verbs, adjectives and even a compound sentence. Hall of famer right there.”

Many are attributing the proper grammar and diverse vocab to writer Jackie MacMullan. However, in the last chapter Shaq reveals a feud he had with her as well.

All in all, another accomplishment for the Big Aristotle.

Excerpts:

When I balled in Miami, FLOR, coach Pat wasnt good or helpful. Somestime I didn’t like him. Other times I did. I was contemptual to say the least.”

Kobe had sex with a lady and not goodness happened. Hurt team. We say ‘Kobe I Shaq, shall help you if you’ll bequeath me.’ Turns out I was the one doing the bequetheathing. 

Kareem show sky hook. Shaq no sky hook. Big Aristotle use words not long, dumb arms.”

Shaq sleep now. Good night world. Thank looking at word pictures.”

And what beautiful word pictures they are.

Shaq's "smart think hat"

– Mike Sweeney

NO ONE TOLD CHRIS BOSH NBA IN LOCKOUT

Chris Bosh confirmed this morning he had no idea the NBA was in lockout. In fact, he was told explicitly this morning by teammates Lebron James and Dwyane Wade that practices started today.

After showing up to 7 AM workouts, Bosh discovered all Miami Heat gyms and facilities were completely locked and off limits to the players. Wondering why he was not allowed in, Bosh called James and Wade multiple times before receiving a single text back: “yo where u @? we practicin!”

Bosh then stormed the locker room but his post moves were no match for physicality of the door. 9 foot jump shots be damned, Bosh stormed the door head first only to render himself unconscious. Lebron and Wade snickered from behind a corner; however, upon seeing Bosh knock himself out, they both hopped on their razor scooters and went home. Amazingly, Bosh had gone all off season receiving texts from James and Wade about numerous canceled practices and workouts; he came to never knowing the NBA lockout began.

"It's funny because he's goofy looking, not as good as us and we don't like him!" "Right best friend?" "Right!"

Related: Lebron’s Twitter; Wade’s Twitter; Bosh’s adventures with Twitter.

– Mike Sweeney